i can do the frug.

It's time for another...

2011-11-12T11:56:00.000-08:00

Mama Duggar's pregnant with her 20th child. You can play NAME THAT DUGGAR here.

Spooky Scary.

2011-11-12T11:44:00.000-08:00

Dear John Krasinski,

If I held any antagonistic feelings toward you because of that movie where you were engaged to Mandy Moore, and Robin Williams played a priest/spy whose BFF was a 10-year-old, please know that those feelings have been promptly replaced by pure adoration.

Amy Poehler and John Krasinski dressed as Andie and Duckie from Pretty in Pink for Halloween. Or maybe just for life. Because they're that great.

In a segment I like to call, "Why won't CNN.com stop disappointing me?"

2011-05-27T15:47:00.001-07:00

TIG. MAEBY. SARAH.

2011-02-21T13:55:00.000-08:00

Test your knowledge on the cast of Multiplicity.

2011-02-03T17:21:00.000-08:00

I present to you the dashing all-American actor. Well, five of them actually. This broad-shouldered beefcake veers from good guy/town sheriff/member of the baseball team with a sensitive side roles to the more devious/I own several leather jackets/manipulative roles. He is always conflicted but never tortured, and damn it all if he can't pull off a navy tee.

However, these down-home dreamboats don't exactly have the variety of a jury (and/or the cast of Community), and sometimes it's tough to tell them apart. Do you know which is which?

Match the actor above with the movies below. Answers in the comments.

7th Heaven
What About Brian
The Crazies
October Road
Win a Date with Tad Hamilton
The Girl Next Door
Legally Blonde
Las Vegas
Teaching Mrs. Tingle
The Office
Catch and Release
(Clearly the most worthy of these actors as he was in...) S Club 7 in L.A.

On 7 counts of busting a move, I find this video guilty.

Music Video Mathmatix: Back to December

2011-01-16T13:20:00.000-08:00

A young version of the bad guy in The Lovely Bones.

A leaky ceiling. Also, this.

"The morning after your birth control fails..." Plan B commercials.

Sometimes everything is just the worst, Kenneth.

2011-01-06T18:23:00.001-08:00

The following is the blog equivalent of that one weird episode of Gilmore Girls where they just did a weird montage of everybody fighting at Emily and Richard's for 35 minutes, and then they all got drunk. Or maybe I was the one who got drunk. Anyway, here are the worst things in the world.

1. I walked into Target the other day to buy a winter coat, and what did I see? Not only are women's swimsuits already on sale, but they are RIGHT NEXT TO THE WINTER COATS. Presumably because the flasher look is so in? Target, I can overlook the fact that the Valentine's Day merchandise is already out- in a stunning double whammy of poor placement, right next to the 50% off Christmas candy- mostly because it led me to said super-cheap boxes of Ghiradelli chocolates with snowflakes on the label. BUT THE BATHING SUITS?!? In the words of Garfunkel and Oates, What the fuck's your fucking problem?!

Let's ignore the obvious for a second (that it's currently below freezing temperature), and focus on the fact that no one, I repeat, NO ONE is going to want to try on bikinis so soon after spending the holidays stuffing their pieholes with, well, pie. We haven't even seen the obligatory "Get that bikini bod!" magazine covers shipped straight from Hell yet. Maybe your idiocy is what's killing all the goddamned birds in Arkansas, Target.

2. THIS:

http://www.pureprotein.net/

"These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration."

NOR BY ANYONE WHO KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND WELL.

3. After years of being forced to listen to NPR on the way to church, I've developed an aversion to its programming*, specifically This American Life. I decided to give TAL another shot, as I now have 40 hours per week of quiet-office-job that needs to be filled with podcasts. I was listening to an episode in which a man interviewed his friend who had recently attempted suicide (with a plan to give the friend an edited version of the interview in the hopes that it would deter him from attempting again later). Well, the friend attempted suicide again, and he succeeded. And in between the short exchanges between the man and his friend, TAL is playing this dopey dentist office music, which is dumb but not as pants-shittingly infuriating as what they did next.

THEY PLAYED JUMPER BY THIRD EYE BLIND. As in- I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. THIS AMERICAN LIFE, YOU ARE TACKY, AND I HATE YOU. How incredibly tasteless. You're remembering someone who committed suicide, not playing filler at my 8th grade sock hop.

AND THEN TODAY, an online news source had brief descriptions about the people killed in the shooting in Arizona, and one of them included an R.I.P. tweet from someone affiliated with the news source. 140 characters doesn't scream heartfelt; it says, our self-promotion is more important than your memory. If I ever succumb to an untimely or unusual death, and someone pulls this shit, their ass is getting seriously haunted.

*With the exception of Car Talk.

4. DEAR CHER, THIS:

http://getbangs.com/

You know how they stay in?! They've got a big chunk of tape on them that sticks to your hair- not your skin! YOUR HAIR. You know what is detectable? That spot where you clearly ripped out a layer of skin and hair on your forehead!!! I feel like somebody got drunk, passed out with a Biore pore strip on their hair, and thought, I can sell this! Oh my god. I just saw that they cost close to 50 bucks. My head hurts.

5. This dude. On the metro. Was clipping his nails. HIS NAILS. HE CLIPPED HIS NAILS ON THE METRO AND LEFT THE CLIPPINGS ALL DEVIL-MAY-CARE ON THE FLOOR.

I have to go. I cut my foot earlier, and my shoe is filling up with blood.

Suit Up! with Mindy Kaling and Winona Ryder

2010-12-01T11:47:00.000-08:00

Another double suit up day!

Mindy Kaling getting measured on The Ellen Degeneres Show.

Way to channel Johnny Depp AND rock the middle part, Winona. Love it.

Winona Ryder at the New York premiere of Black Swan held Tuesday, November 30, 2010.

It's time for a...

2010-11-14T18:50:00.000-08:00

Anna and Josh Duggar are expecting a baby in June 2011. More good news: You can do Duggar puzzles here.

A Thorough List of Terms and Phrases Used by the Main Characters in the First Season of Dawson's Creek That Real 15-Year-Olds Would Never Use

2010-11-06T15:57:00.000-07:00

theoretics

orgasmic

wet brain

disparaging

simp

apotheosis

with a heavy allegorical slant

overzealous

bluster

resuscitation of my sins

disengage this friendship

jurassic notion

fornicating

unredeemable

rectify my belligerent ways

apoplectic

elicit

cataclysmic

wanton

punitive

cockamamie

simpletons

incarceration

languishing somewhere in TV obscurity

blatant

statute of limitations on angst

youthful indiscretion

verbiage

carouse

residual

scholastically inept

buffoonery

blight

contrived

analyzing our sad little adolescent lives

This makes me very sad because two of these episodes with such easily-mocked dialogue were written by Rob Thomas, a.k.a. personally beloved Veronica Mars writer.

Also, a quick note:

The quality of filming of the first few episodes is horrific. Between the glaring positioning discrepancies between shots, visible microphones, and clearly audible shuffling of the crew during quiet heart-to-hearts, Dawson could actually do a better job.

I leave you with this fantastic quote.

"Have you realized it's been nearly two weeks since Jen and I broke up, and not once has she made an effort to get together?"

It's the millennium; motives are incidental.

2010-10-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

"Right, but then Logan was getting way too into the gang wars,

and my dad kicked him out of the house, and then I started dating Duncan."

"Again?"

"Yeah. But what I didn't know is that he had knocked up his really

religious comatose girlfriend, and so he had to flee to Australia with the baby."

"Oh."

So pumped.

I kinda hope Neve Campbell dies in this one.

Also, Scream franchise, do you not remember that the film-class-to-explain-everything has been done before...by you? And, that one had Joshua Jackson. And Buffy.

Starts at 4:27.

I can't count the reasons I should stay.

2010-10-24T08:33:00.000-07:00

In 2007, Gillian Jacobs (Community) and Anna Chlumsky (My Girl) were in a Mean Girls-esque play together. Above is the best photo ever. There's also a 13-minute long interview with them about the play (not worth watching), and this is where I learned that their names are pronounced GILLian (hard G) and CLumsky (silent H). FYI.

HOW TO: Create a chick flick movie poster in minutes!

2010-10-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

1. A white background is essential. It symbolizes the vast abyss where a plot should be. Add a slight gradient if you're feeling dangerous, but be warned, cityscapes (Just Like Heaven, The Object of My Affection) and blurry whirlwinds of emotion (Forces of Nature, Serendipity) are really advanced stuff and not to be taken lightly. Like witchcraft.

2. Add protagonist(s) looking coy and flirty or shocked at love! Hands on the hips for extra sass.

Add couple and position them in a way that's a metaphor for their relationship. Can't go wrong with a classic "back-to-back" or any other pose commonly found in prom pictures.

3. You're allowed one prop. It can be flowers, bags (purses and luggage included), or an animal.

4. Title that bitch up! Remember: the human heart is red and pumps 74 gallons of love per day; therefore, your text must be red or pink. Science.

5. The catchphrase is the most important part. Without it, how would the audience know that, "The only risk in taking an adventure is not taking it at all," and other things that don't make sense?

Ta-da! A perfect movie poster! One of a kind...of.

You're tacky, and I hate you.

2010-09-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

Let's get right down to business.

REASONS I HATE THIS MOVIE:

Strike 1:

I'm sorry, did they kill off Christina Hendricks in the first twenty minutes? Frickin' really? Unless you intend to bring her back through a series of hallucinations that are caused by your brain tumor, I'm not interested.

Strike 2:

Life As We Know It? ARE YOU SERIOUS? Oh, for a second there, I got you confused with the late eighties family dramedy with the girl from The Face on the Milk Carton movie and the boy that had Down syndrome. No? Then you must be the Angelina Jolie movie where she plays a reporter who has a week to live, according to a homeless Tony Shalhoub. STILL NO? Then you must be the 2004 high school TV drama with Kelly Osbourne and Piz from Veronica Mars? NOT THAT ONE EITHER? OH, THEN YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BE THE ONE WITH THE MOST UNORIGINAL, NONDESCRIPTIVE, AND OVERUSED TITLE EVER CREATED? Yes, that's the one.

Strike 3:

Let's do a little plot summary:

1. Relative dies and leaves single person(s) with child. Enter bodily function-related shenanigans. Single person(s) becomes slightly less selfish, slightly more responsible. Child(ren) become at peace with their parent(s) death and completely well-adjusted in the course of an hour and forty minutes.

2. ALSO, Two hot people who hate each other are forced to spend time with one another due to unlikely circumstances. Hot Woman is high-strung and uppity, while Hot Man is the perpetual man-child bachelor. Hot Man points out Hot Woman's fatal flaw, about which she has been in denial for, oh, say 28 years. Hot Woman realizes Hot Man is not such a bad guy after all. Kiss kiss, bang bang.

Now, let's make lists.

Raising Helen

Baby Boom

No Reservations

Summerland

27 Dresses

The Proposal

Runaway Bride

Sweet Home Alabama

Two Weeks Notice

Music and Lyrics

...every other movie ever...

Bonus Strike 4:

Your typography sucks. But I'll get to that one later.

In case I wasn't clear, the chances of me paying $9.00 to see this movie is just about even with the chances that Sonny Bono will rise from the dead, tell me that he's really into bigamy and time machines now- he's been watching a lot of TLC- and he wants to bring me back to 1970 to be both his and Cher's wife. Of course, Cher will give birth to Winona Ryder, I'll give birth to Christina Ricci, and then we'll paint our bedrooms and have a dance party.

MFEO

2010-09-29T17:32:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm really excited for this.

You mean it's not like this? I EXPECT an Alyson Hannigan cameo, damn it!

Suit Up! with Amy Poehler

2010-09-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Amy Poehler hosting Saturday Night Live on Saturday, September 25, 2010.

There's going to be a Jesse Bradford teeth-brushing scene, right? RIGHT?

2010-09-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

So, you saw the commercial for Hellcats, and you're thinking, hmm, I can't stand rich people or vampires, but I like bare midriffs. Maybe this show's for me! Let's take a look.

This is Marti. She's a badass, and we know from her constant bike-riding that she's poor. Also, because she said, " I ride my bike everywhere because these are tough times. Money's tight for me and my mom."

This is her alcoholic mom. We know that she's an alcoholic because of the bottles of booze behind her, and we know she's Marti's mom because they have the same hairstyle.

This is Ashley Tisdale's character whose name is not important because I'm just going to call her Sharpay. Sharpay and Marti don't get along at first, and Sharpay calls Marti "goth." Not only is this insult incredibly outdated, it's also inaccurate as Marti's style is technically classified as, "Britta from Community."

To practice for cheerleading tryouts, Marti pops in Bring It On for inspiration. Bring It On was also used for inspiration by the writers of Hellcats who wanted to practice getting sued for straight-up plot plagiarism.

Marti wows the judges at tryouts when she starts dancing like a crazy person. It's obvious that she's different from all the other candidates because of her sweet moves and her curly hair.

These are the kind of moves she busts. HELLCATSSSS.

This was actually pretty cool. If you can't tell, she's doing a handstand with her legs crossed facing the camera. And then she does an insane ass-out upside-down stomach crunch (technical term). Chances that Nastia Liukin is her tumbling double? Likely.

This is Marti's new love interest. Props to both Ashley Tisdale and Aly Michalka for graduating from Disney to a show that entertains the possibility of an interracial couple.

But wait! This is Marti's townie best friend. We know he's a townie because he's wearing flannel and works at "the docks"- I shit you not. We also know that, if he's not currently in love with Marti, he will realize that their lifelong friendship has quickly blossomed into a one-sided infatuation once he sees- and consequently feels threatened by- above hottie. How do we know all this? Duh, he's holding a camera. Also, Duckie over here practically said "Stay gold, Ponyboy" to her when she joined the squad. Seriously, dude?

So, let's recap. Marti's a badass. This is clear from her black nail polish, guitar-shaped luggage, and her could-be-a-boy's-name name. Oh, she also leans on trees. We've got a regular Jess Mariano on our hands here.

Let's face it, this show is probably for you. Especially if you like betting on how soon A.J. Michalka is going to make a cameo. And winning.

Jayma Mays Adorability Factor Update

2010-09-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

Still totally adorable. With added bonus, mulletastic Greek god, John Stamos.

Tears and Laughter: The Biopic Casting Story

2010-09-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

Like actors love an easy Oscar, Hollywood loves its biopics. With none of that silly plot stuff to come up with, biopics seem to be whipped up and shipped out faster than it takes you to properly pronounce "Joaquin Phoenix." The latest biopic (expected in 2012)- with by far the most ill-suited casting- is Janis Joplin: Get It While You Can, starring Amy Adams. And, after the initial mourning period caused by the realization that Joplin won't be played by Jenna Maroney, I got to thinking, Wow, I could cast better than that, and by Cher, I'm going to.

1. THE OBVIOUS.

I personally believe that the film industry took a big hit last year with the loss of actor Patrick Swayze. His contributions to film and television over the past 30 years should be commemorated in a biopic I've titled The Outsider: The Patrick Swayze Story starring...Neil Patrick Harris. NPH is perfect for this role- he can sing, he can dance, and he can certainly star in the Broadway version of Grease.

And, I mean, HELLO...

2. THE OBLIGATORY MUSICIAN WITH DRUG PROBLEMS.

Do you know who Chet Baker is? He sang My Funny Valentine? No? Well, he was a popular jazz singer and trumpet player in the 1950's. Oh yeah, and he was amazing and addicted to heroin. Also, he got kicked out of a few countries, got the shit beat out of him in San Francisco, and had to relearn how to play the trumpet with dentures. No bigs.

I'm thinking we need a big name to really get the preteen fangirls interested. Good thing Penn Badgley happens to be his doppelganger.

3. THE "IT TOOK ME MONTHS OF INTENSIVE TRAINING TO PLAY THIS PART."

Now, this is a tough one because Shari Lewis is close to my heart. Host and puppeteer of Lamb Chop's Play-Along, Lewis was a remarkable ventriloquist and a fantastic performer. She passed away in 1998, and I'm calling for the remembrance of her legacy through a biopic starring, get this, Debra Messing. Yes, it will be a lot of work on Messing's part, but anything that lessens her association with The Starter Wife would be totally worth it.

The first two minutes of this are astounding.

And Debra Messing with puppets:

4. CHALLENGE EXTENDED.

Alright, we'll keep this going with the children's performers genre. My final biopic choice is Mr. Fred Rogers. Mr. Rogers' show was a massive contribution to educational children's television, and, well, you might to sit down and put your hand underneath your jaw for support for my final choice. I want Dax Shepard to portray him in this hypothetical biopic. He hasn't always played the admirable authority figure, but, hey, he was on Bonnie Hunt's sitcom, so that's gotta earn him some points. And yes, this is just a challenge extended from me to him to see if he's truly worthy of Veronica Mars', damnit, I mean Kristen Bell's, hand in marriage. Check it.

Music Video Mathmatix: Teenage Dream

2010-08-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

Random, unnecessary, and inexplicable boxing subplot.

Lyrics that sound like they were ripped from a 9th grader's AIM away status...or the modern technological equivalent that I'm too old to understand or care about.

30-year-old creepfest getting it on with a "teenager" in a seedy motel.

Katy Perry - New Music - More Music Videos

One of those moments where everything is so perfect and wonderful that you almost feel sad because nothing can ever be this good again.

2010-08-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

Anna Paquin and Kristen Bell are going to make cameos in Scream 4.

Do you like scary movies? I like that one with the hottie-hot-hot from Party of Five.

2010-08-18T20:04:00.000-07:00

Hollywood seems to have a knack for beating a dead horse, forcing its corpse to do a press tour, and then stamping its image on glasses sold for an exclusive period at your local Burger King. Most of the time, this is utterly infuriating, especially when you know that no matter how many Land Before Time movies they make (thirteen), the dinosaurs are all still going to die.

However, this is one tetralogy I can get behind. (You can say "tetralogy" or "quadrilogy"; either way, you'll sound smart. And nerdy.) Let's recap:

Scream

Drew Barrymore is awesome. Garage doors are scary. Who names their child "Skeet" anyway?

Scream 2

No one remembers anything about this one. It was set at a college, and Roseanne's sister was the killer. Still no? Eh, okay.

Scream 3

Hysterically self-referential. Heather Matarazzo cameo. Also with Noel from Felicity, Parker Posey, Jenny McCarthy, and the chick with bird bones from 30 Rock.

Scream 4 includes series veterans Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, and David Arquette, and cast additions include Alison Brie, Rory Culkin, Hayden Panettiere, and Adam Brody. First of all, there's a 97% that this film will satisfy my desire to see a Hayden Panettiere character die, a desire that sadly went unfulfilled throughout two seasons of Heroes and the third Bring It On movie. Secondly, the Scream franchise seems to be setting a tradition of smokin' P.I.s by casting Adam Brody as "Detective Hoss"; if you recall, Patrick Dempsey played the part in the third installment.

And, as an added bonus to my Scream 4 psychage, I learned that the killer's title is "Ghostface Killer." I actually think they've called him or her that throughout the entire series, but, when I hear it, I can't stop thinking of, "Yo Yo Ma and Ghostface Killah to the stage for 'Muffin Top'."

Cute, in a tough, mumbly kind of way.

2010-08-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

Hey, Lucy Slash Gia! You shop at Banana Republic and balance books on your head? Me too! God, celebrities are so accessible.

OH, THE HIJINKS.

2010-07-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

Oh, it's that time again. There's a new ABC Family Original Series premiering August 17th! Well, I think "original" is a bit strong. Here's the description...

Melissa & Joey, a half-hour comedy with Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence executive producing and starring, finds Hart portraying Mel, the grown-up former wild child of a political family who is now a local politician herself.

When her sister ends up in prison and her brother-in-law flees after a scandal hits, Mel must take responsibility for her teenaged niece, Lennox, and pre-adolescent nephew, Ryder. With Mel spread too thin to manage by herself, help comes in the unlikely form of Joe (Lawrence) who, desperate for a job, moves in and becomes the family’s “manny.”

I can only assume this is a response to the overwhelmingly positive feedback they got from that wedding movie they did together...you know...that romantic comedy they did where they hated each other, were forced to be around each other, hijinks ensued, and they fell in love? Yeah, that one.

But doesn't the description remind you of something?

Here's Wikipedia's Who's the Boss description:

Widower Anthony Morton "Tony" Micelli (Danza) is a former second baseman for the St. Louis Cardinals who was forced to retire due to a shoulder injury. He wanted to move out of Brooklyn to find a better environment for his daughter, Samantha (Alyssa Milano). He ended up taking a job in upscale Fairfield, Connecticut as a live-in housekeeper for divorce advertising executive Angela Bower (Judith Light). The Micellis moved into the Bower residence. Also starring were Danny Pintauro as Angela's son Jonathan and Katherine Helmond as Mona Robinson, her feisty, "sexually progressive mother".

So, Melissa & Joey (mindblowingly original title, by the way), all you need now is a Hottie HotHot to play your teenaged niece and a sassy, redheaded mother to guarantee you eight seasons. Yeah, Who's the Boss was on for EIGHT seasons.

Bonus points for knowing from whom I stole the phrase "Hottie HotHot."

You want to deviled-egg Jess' car?

2010-07-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

Partly cloudy with a chance of thrift store bongos.

2010-07-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

Y'know how when it's about to rain, the arthritic can feel it their bones? Well, the beatnik trendstorm is coming; I can feel it in my joints.

I got pissy when I heard about the On the Road remake, but at the time, it was an isolated incident. (And by the way, dude, the whole Team Allen Ginsberg thing was a joke.) Now, it seems the beatnik re-revolution is going to snowball, picking up chain-smoking hipsters with just enough time to pick up their black turtlenecks for winter. Speaking of which, does American Apparel sell spandex turtlenecks?

In theaters Fall 2010, Howl:

James Franco stars as the young Allen Ginsberg – poet, counter-culture adventurer and chronicler of the Beat Generation. In his famously confessional, leave-nothing-out style, Ginsberg recounts the road trips, love affairs and search for personal liberation that led to the most timeless and electrifying work of his career, the poem HOWL. Meanwhile, in a San Francisco courtroom, HOWL is on trial. Prosecutor Ralph McIntosh (Strathairn) sets out to prove that the book should be banned, while suave defense attorney Jake Ehrlich (Hamm) argues fervently for freedom of speech and creative expression.

And now, the ONLY beatnik poser I will ever love...

I think this is one videotape that needs to be returned.

2010-07-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

Patrick Bateman is dead, but his evil legacy continues with Rachael Newman, the only victim who managed to escape Bateman's grasp. Rachael will get rid of anyone who threatens her chances of becoming teaching assistant to the infamous Dr. Daniels.

Starring: Mila Kunis, William Shatner
Director: Morgan J. Freeman

I'm Mac. I go to school with 500 chicks.

2010-07-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

When I was 11, I couldn't get enough of romantic comedies. I seriously would have sacrificed a package of gel pens to see Meg Ryan star in a modernized version of a Shakespeare play with a Liz Phair-stuffed soundtrack. These days I can barely stomach ROMCOMS- which often contain neither a whiff of romance nor a hint of comedy- mostly because they're the same formulaic bullcrap that's been digested and repackaged over and over again. Y'know.

HOWEVER, there is one important and never-forgotten factor that makes these I Hate You BUT REALLY I LOVE YOU crapfests worth watching: the Sassy Best Friend (including subcategories Sassy Gay Friend, Sassy Black Friend, and Sassy Sister Friend). Sassy Best Friend is entertaining because he or she is everything the protagonist is not. Sassy Best Friend is not a bundle of neuroses on the noble quest for a good man; usually, he or she pretty much just wants to get laid. More importantly, while the protagonist denies his or her feelings ("I'm not bajiggity! You are SO bajiggity."), the sassy best friend is blunt past the point of rudeness and often past the point of needing a doctor's prescription.

Here are my top five sassy best friends. Okay, technically there are six.

Honorable Mention: Rosie O'Donnell, Sleepless in Seattle

A movie! That's your problem. You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.

If I recall correctly, Rosie's character casually referenced her mutually abusive relationship with "her Rick" the whole movie and still seemed more sane and level-headed then Meg Ryan's character.

5. Bonnie Hunt, Jerry Maguire

Don't cry at the beginning of a date. Cry at the end, like I do.

Bonnie Hunt, I love you.

4. Joan Cusack, Runaway Bride

I can't find the video clip, so here's the best quote...which is really long.

Maggie: I'm going to kill myself.
Peggy (Sassy Best Friend): Why?
Maggie: Because you think I'm all like... "Hey man, check me out."
Peggy: No, I think you're like, "I'm charming and mysterious in a way that even I don't understand and something about me is crying out for protection from a big man like you." Very hard to compete with. Especially to us married women who have lost our mystery.
Maggie: But you haven't lost your mystery! You're very mysterious!
Peggy: No, I'm weird. Weird and mysterious are two different things.
Maggie: But I'm weird.
Peggy: No, you're quirky. Quirky and weird are two different things.

3. Judy Greer, 27 Dresses

Hey, do you want to come over to my place before the party? Some of the guys from shipping are coming, and they're bringing tequila and bubble wrap.

Judy Greer, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

2. Lisa Kudrow, P.S. I Love You

1. Zooey Deschanel, Failure to Launch

The only watchable scenes of the movie...

Suit Up! with Susan Sarandon

2010-06-25T19:06:00.000-07:00

In kindergarten I was obsessed with having crutches. Now, I'm obsessed with having a sparkly cactus suit.

Susan Sarandon at the premiere of 'Great Directors' at MOMA held Tuesday, June 22, 2010.

TIGER BEAT PRESENTS: Everyone I was in love with at age 9.

2010-06-15T07:54:00.000-07:00

Devon Sawa

Remember him from: Little Giants, Casper, Now and Then, Wild America, Final Destination

Don't forget about: Idle Hands

Final Destination was made TEN YEARS AGO. The franchise, much like the featured characters, just won't die. Anyway, here's what Devon Sawa looks like now.

I get Devon Sawa confused with...

Brad Renfro

Remember him from: The Client, The Cure, Tom and Huck, Apt Pupil

Don't forget about: Ghost World

While looking up these heartthrobs, I learned that Brad Renfro died two years ago from a heroin overdose at the young age of 25. Really flipping sad.

I get Brad Renfro confused with...

Ethan Hawke

He was in: Dead Poets' Society, Reality Bites, Gattaca

You know him. He's still around. I just tend to mix him up with Brad Renfro.

Guess what? He directed the music video for Lisa Loeb's Stay (I Missed You). Yes, really. This required direction...

Jonathan Taylor Thomas

He was in: Wild America with Devon Sawa, Tom and Huck with Brad Renfro, and he was the voice of Simba in The Lion King.

Don't forget: Man of the House, in which he played Farrah Fawcett son's and Chevy Chase's soon-to-be stepson AND that Christmas movie he made with Jessica Biel.

Plus, he starred in Home Improvement AND guest starred on Veronica Mars as did Zachery Ty Bryan. No word on what younger brother Mark's up to, but I sure hope he grew out of that goth phase.

For more teen dreamboats, see...the entire cast of White Squall.

I believe this was after he parachuted into a tomato truck.

2010-06-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

I heard that John Stamos will be joining the cast of Glee next season (as Emma's dentist boyfriend), and my first thought was, "Can John Stamos even sing???"

WHAT WAS I THINKING.

I don't want to buy anything, sell anything, or process anything as a career.

2010-06-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

How to Create a Commercial in Six Easy Steps:

Step 1 - Film various scenes of people having fun. Be sure to include people of all races, ages, and possible relationships (so as not to alienate any valuable markets). Necessary scenes include people dancing, jumping, laughing, hanging with a pet, jumping, kissing or hugging, and hanging out on a bed (probably jumping). Mix up these scenes, and throw them all together.

Step 2 - Add EITHER a quirky indie pop song OR a get-up-and-dance funk classic.

Step 3 - Add inspiring, yet utterly unoriginal text to reinforce your commercial's message. If you can't fit the text in periodically, combine all the inspiration into one MEGA-INSPIRED line at the end of your commercial.

Step 4 - Infuse your ad with a "Be yourself, be happy, have the good old times all the time, and don't forget to seize the day," message.

Step 5 - Hide the more sinister message of "You cannot be an individual with joy in your heart without purchasing the same things that 50 million other unhappy people are buying," underneath your first message.

Step 6 - Repeat. Over and over and over again.

Coffee-mate:

(Add your flavor)

Oh, and Target is the holy queen of this:

(Long live happy)

Stay you:

Holiday Inn Express

Today's the day:

JCPenney

There's an M in everyone:

M&Ms

Create your beautiful for less (with extra skin care):

Walmart

What's wrong with casual Monday? (with extra dancing):

Cotton

See what you love:

LensCrafters

Find your place in the rhythm of life (with extra wind):

Kohl's

Go forth (with extra Walt Whitman):

Levi's

Springtime:

Kohl's

Clip of the Day

2010-05-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

The best scene from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Yeah, I bet you wish you could turn back time, Gaga.

2010-05-30T18:32:00.000-07:00

Now that Lady Gaga's had a handful of hit singles, the general public has finally warmed up to her eccentric style. For a while there, we all just sat watching her in awe, wondering how she didn't collapse under the enormous weight of the gallons of hair spray keeping her hair-bow, hair-telephone, or hair-wide-brimmed-hat in place. And I wonder to myself, why? We've seen this all before; haven't you people even heard of Cher?!

First, Gaga was all, hey girl, I'm all chill with my crazy bleach blond curls and my collared shirt. BAM. Yeah, Cher did that.

Then Gaga was all, hey girl, I got me some crazy hats, so beat that. WHA-POW. Cher did that. She did that...on her own show...with a young Bette Midler.

Gaga then was like, hey girl, I know you got Midler and crazy hats, but NO REALLY, I've got some goddamn, crazy, sparkly hats. And Cher responds with a sparkly Cleopatra bitchslap.

And so, Gaga stepped up her game, and was all, hey girl, I'm about fashion, but I'm about shock and awe too. Check out my killer bikini wax! And Cher said, PLEASE.

And then Gaga pulled out all the stops. She was like, hey girl, I superglued together everything I've bought from Hobby Lobby in the past twelve years and dyed my hair with strawberry-scented markers, BOO-YA. Her majesty Cher responded, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, and at the Oscars, no less.

P.S. Gaga, it's not because I hate you. It's because I just love Cher so much.

A Statistical Analysis of Lost: You Will Probably Get Shot and Die

2010-05-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

(LOST SPOILER ALERT, but at this point, really?)

I just finished the sixth and final season of Lost, and I've put together a little statistical analysis to guide you in case you ever happen to crash land on a magical, constantly moving island that houses the light that is in all humans (sidenote: how very Quaker of you, Island).

(Disclaimer: The first three statistics are based on characters appearing in 50 episodes or more, not including children, Vincent the dog, or the pregnant women [Stick with them- at worst, their hands get cut from clenching their fists so hard. Seriously.] All of this violence happens on the island or in surrounding waters and does not include the first eight episodes. Accuracy is dependent on the amount of wine consumed while watching each episode...which is unable to be determined at this point.)

During your stay on the island, you will be kicked twice, hit with a blunt object- probably the butt of a rifle- three times, and punched an average of eight times.
You have a 52% percent chance of being shot and a 55% chance of dying.
You have an 86% chance of being taken prisoner.
If you appear in between ten and forty episodes, your chances of dying increase to 78%.
Sawyer is the object of the most violent acts, having been punched 27 times, so stay away from him. Or, I suppose you could stay near him, and have (probably) Jack punch him instead of you.
The amount of time you repeat the phrase, "Come on!" in addition to the rate of increase of volume while performing CPR is in direct relation to the probability of your subject regaining consciousness.
If a language barrier exists, the probability of your message magically becoming understandable to the receiver of your message greatly increases with every repetition (and a proportional increase in volume) of your message.

I wouldn't worry though; the island also comes with magical healing powers (and the magical giving and taking away of language), just in case you get headbutted in the face, which is quite common.

Clip of the Day

2010-05-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

Um, also in honor of the Lost series finale.

(Lots of spoilers)

I'm confused. Did Allison Janney stab somebody?

Clip of the Day

2010-05-23T09:45:00.000-07:00

In honor of the series finale of Lost, I present to you...

Richard Alpert

Kathy Griffin as Kathy Griffin

Jess Mariano's dad

Sherri Shepherd

Eric Idle

and

Judd Nelson

in the series finale of Suddenly Susan.

Music Video Mathmatix: Your Love Is My Drug

2010-05-17T14:58:00.000-07:00

Trippy cartoons about elephants.

Richie "The Baumer" Tenenbaum.

Spending too much time in the desert.

Her songs are catchy. Like herpes.

2010-05-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

I have a dilemma. I was firmly anti-Ke$ha throughout the "Tik Tok" and "Blah Blah Blah" hoopla, but with the release of her new single, "Your Love Is My Drug," my hatred is wavering. Most of the time, she makes me want to Van Gogh my ears, but then something about her makes me change my mind.

Appearance:

Okay, she looks like the poster girl for Mugatu's Derelicte line, but she has freckles, and I can't loathe a bespeckled face, especially as I feel we are underrepresented in the film and music industries. This is also my excuse for having paid $8.50 to see I Know Who Killed Me in the theatres.

Spelling:

Ke$ha (pronounced Keh-sha and not Key-sha) is clearly too cool for s's or c's, but I'm not sure I can blame her. Her mother's name is Pebe (pronounced like PB & J), and I know about this clearly genetic flair for naming eccentricity because they were featured in an episode of The Simple Life. Really.

Video Evidence:

Most of the time when I watch her videos, I'm pretty sure I'm actually just watching clips from Music and Lyrics...

But then I watch a clip like this- which actually makes more sense than her actual music videos- and I'm drawn back in...

Lyrics:

Okay, most of the time her lyrics don't make any sense, and even though I thoroughly detest the line, "Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack," I can't help but love ones like, "Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?" and "I like your beard."

And more things to like:

She organized a benefit concert for flood victims in Tennessee.

She once puked in Paris Hilton's closet, which, let's be honest, is probably bigger than most public bathrooms.

Final call, to love her or to hate her? I think that I'm going to stick with detesting her, at least until she reveals herself to be the lost Olsen twin (well, triplet). Hatred, with a side of listening to "Your Love Is My Drug" on repeat.

Remember the episode with all the TAB?

2010-05-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

The Sarah Silverman Program has been officially cancelled. I present to you a clip from when Sarah and her dad went on tour as a Lisa Loeb cover band, the Loebtrotters.

I don't know, Halloween H20: 20 Years Later was pretty original...

2010-05-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in my last post that finding an original plot at the movie theater is like, to quote Cher Horowitz, "finding meaning in a Pauly Shore movie." Well, now I've got proof. I found an article on the Times Online that lists the 50 biggest movies of 2010, or "the movies most likely to dominate the box-office charts this year."

Here's a breakdown of which of these 50 films present new plots and the sources from which the rest of the remakes draw their inspiration:

Keep in mind that exactly one third of the "original scripts" are part of a series, e.g. Shrek Forever After. That's a lot of expensive, recycled pie you're selling us, Hollywood.

Jack Kerouac's own personal brand of heroin was actual heroin.

2010-05-10T13:42:00.000-07:00

I recently read that Kristen Stewart's going to be in a film adaptation of Jack Kerouac's On the Road, and I am pissed.

I'm not upset to hear that Stewart has picked up the role of Dean Moriarty's wife; I actually think this is a good direction for her. As of yet, she's avoided being typecast as the awkward teen/manic dream pixie girl, and choosing what are technically two period pieces in a row is a huge step in continuing her pigeon-holing prevention.

My first real problem with this movie is the fact that it's a book adaptation, which in itself is not a travesty. However, in the context of today's movie listings, in which it is virtually impossible to find a film that is not an adaptation or remake of something else, it is infuriating. I'll come back to this later.

I read On the Road about five years ago, so I'm certainly no expert, but from what I remember, the book has a very distinctive style and aless-than-compelling plot. It's pretty much "We went there, did drugs, and got drunk. Then we went over there, did more drugs, and got drunk again," for a little over three hundred pages. At the time of its publication, it was essentially the manifesto of Kerouac's beat movement and the source of inspiration for many poets, writers, and musicians. When I read it, it was like having a hungover friend recall their night for hours on end. While I can blame my view of the worth of the book on generational discrepancy, I cannot be convinced that a Hollywood revamp of the plot is going to make it any more watchable than the beatnik scene in Hairspray. Not. Gonna. Happen.

Thirdly, I'm pissed because hipsters everywhere are going to eat this shit up. Since the dawn of man, it has been known as fact that in any subculture which espouses the glory of nonconformity, it doesn't take long for certain standards to be set to which participants then rigidly conform. Often, this tends to make them fanny pack-wearing douchebags. Current hipsters will weep at the beauty of the film into their flannel shirts and start writing their Government homework on scrolls, and Twihards, brought to the film with hopes that Dean Moriarty will be sparkly, will quickly switch from Team Jacob to Team Allen Ginsberg. Perhaps I judge too much, especially for someone with an Edward Cullen bookmark and a homemade cat shirt.

P.S. You know the song "I Loved the Way She Said L.A." by Spitalfield? Yeah, that's a quote from On the Road. That's always bothered me.

And now, Hipster Puppies and Hipster Olympics.

Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you 'cause I really need to do something.

2010-04-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, I have been watching (and enjoying) the ABC series Parenthood, which follows a large, middle class, American family that spans three generations as well as almost every pivotal child age- which I'm sure is by no means a ruthless ploy to widen the program's intended market.

If you like, you can follow the grandparents, Camille and Zeek, and their story line, which includes marriage and money troubles. I predict that cancer will be added to their plot plate soon as well, but that's mostly because Zeek is played by Craig T. Nelson, and this show is a Rachel McAdams-less version of The Family Stone.

Or you can watch Crosby (Dax Shepard) reconnect with 5-year-old son he didn't know he had and his son's mother. If you're like me, you'll secretly hope that Dax will convince some higher-ups to give his girlfriend an in and throw in a Veronica Mars sideplot. Because there really aren't enough plots as is.

We also have the lawyer mom, stay-at-home dad combo and the parents who are torn between their newly-dating daughter and their son with Asperger's. (NOTE: The other day, I happened to be watching The O.C. on SoapNet, and it was the episode where Summer's going to fly off to Rome with Zach and his family, and Seth is sad and listening to Boyz2Men, and then Summer sees a little boy playing with a toy horse in the airport who looks like Seth- the boy, not the horse- so she goes to find Seth and kisses him Spiderman-style. Yeah. Well, that little boy was played by the same kid who plays the boy with Asperger's in Parenthood. You're welcome.)

However, the most entertaining sub-family in the show is that of Sarah Braverman (Lauren Graham), single mom and her son Drew and daughter Amber (Mae Whitman. She played the little girl in Hope Floats). And to be quite honest, the sole reason I like them is because they are an alternate universe Gilmore Girls.

In fact, they share several plot lines with GG, including needing your parents to bail you out, dating your daughter's teacher, and going back to school. But the major difference, apart from an overindulgence in eyeliner, is the fact that Sarah Braverman didn't give birth to perfect little Rory Gilmore; her kid is bitter, maladjusted, and sexually active. It's essentially Lorelai Gilmore raising a young Lorelai Gilmore.

Here's a clip:

Throw in a little Milo Ventimiglia, and I'll be hooked.

Suit Up! with Amanda Seyfried

2010-04-26T12:53:00.001-07:00

Amanda Seyfried at the premiere of Letters to Juliet (during the 2010 Tribeca Film Festival) held Sunday, April 25, 2010.

My nana takes her Wiig off when she's drunk.

2010-04-18T19:40:00.000-07:00

Kristen Wiig. With an accordion. This reminds me of Whatever It Takes.

And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are, Alanis Morissette.

2010-04-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

Alanis Morissette is the best guest star ever. No question. Top Three.

3. OB/GYN, Weeds

2. young, hip, spin-the-bottle-playing, friends with Tag chick, Sex and the City

1. God, Dogma

(P.S. This totally ruins the ending.)

Clip of the Day

2010-03-29T14:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just want them to do this for my life.

And, yes, the ad is longer than the clip. Damn, Hulu.

Whitney, LC, or Regretsy: A Game of Strategy and Retina-Burning

2010-03-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

In addition to having not one, but TWO books on the New York Times Bestseller List, Lauren Conrad, star of Laguna Beach, The Hills, and my nightmares, also has a clothing line out at Kohl's. The prices are reasonable, but the clothes are pretty vanilla. LC's co-star on The Hills and star of The City, Whitney Port, has actually had a clothing line out for quite a while now. Her line is outrageously expensive and makes me wants to claw my eyes out.

Perhaps you disagree and think these collections are the peak of fashion enlightenment. Well, you can prove it by playing a little game I like to call Whitney, LC, or Regretsy: A Game of Strategy and Retina-Burning. Can you tell which is which?

NOTE:

If you don't know, Etsy is a website where people can buy and sell handmade items. Regretsy is a website that showcases some of Etsy's more, well, regrettable items.

Correct answers in the comments.

That's Steve. Scott's dead. Whatever.

2010-03-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

I'm attempting to do the impossible. Well, not the impossible, but the extremely monotonous and frustrating. I'm rewatching every episode of Lost so that I can be properly prepared for the series finale (an idea which quickly lost its excitement after the eighth Where are you hiding the guns?! conversation).

In my journey to send my brain into a constant state of numbness and forever traumatize me from riding in aircrafts and/or being on beaches, I have kept up my morale by recognizing many secondary characters that I completely forgot about (e.g. Katey Sagal, the love interest in Ed, the best friend in Ed). But the best connection I've made by far is that of Harold Perrineau, a.k.a. Michael.

Here he is as Mercutio at the Capulets' masquerade party, which then leads to the most captivating cinematic moment of my preteen years (6:44 - 8:22), which then leads you to remember how awesome it is that Paul Rudd is in this movie.

Clip of the Day

2010-03-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

Let's be real- I would probably hate these damn hipsters if I wasn't currently living in a state where no one knows what hipsters are. (Questions arise like, Why is that guy wearing such tight pants? and Why are all those people wearing flannel shirts?). But, as it is, I live here and am loving the crap out of these overly bearded xylophoners.

P.S. They're getting publicity from their cover of Lady Gaga's Telephone, so check that out too if it strikes your fancy.

Riding in Cars with Girls

2010-03-09T18:25:00.000-08:00

Just a straight-up fantastic picture. Accompanying article here.

Sent to me by Brigid. You can read her blog here.

Clip of the Day

2010-03-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

On Wednesdays we wear pink.

Because every good song has a FLASH OF LIGHT in it.

2010-03-03T19:49:00.000-08:00

I heard this song on the radio this evening, and there was just something about it that I couldn't put my finger on...

Hours later, it hit me. Apart from the music video being a soft-core porn version of the Stacy's Mom video, there's something very familiar about the lyrics.

Speaking of music videos that are the same, remember how Celine's video had the same plot as this one ("Now that my boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident, I really miss how he used to brush my hair")? Also, the first twenty minutes of the movie The Pagemaster.

P.S. ~ Notes to Celine:

1. Are you IN the movie Beauty and the Beast?

2. Lighting all those candles is really dangerous...especially when you keep running frantically out of rooms.

3. I bet that really sucks when, after the boyf kicks it, you have to take down the weather vane of a motorcyclist that looks just like him, huh?

4. I like that you have a Barney Stinson-style pajama suit. Well done.

Suit Up! with Christina Hendricks and Marisa Tomei

2010-03-02T17:08:00.000-08:00

THAT'S RIGHT. It's a double suit up day.

Christina, I want to make a suit joke including the phrase "double-breasted," but, in reality, I think you're the prettiest female celebrity ever. Also, love the shoes.

If you take a closer look, this is actually a (jump) Suit Up! for Marisa Tomei.

Christina Hendricks and Marisa Tomei at Kimberly Brooks' "The Stylist Project" Exhibition held March 1, 2010.

Music Video Mathmatix.

2010-02-25T18:21:00.000-08:00

The set from The Lakehouse. And Pride & Prejudice. And Dawson's Creek. And The Notebook.

Out of place piano.

Using the sky as a metaphor for YOUR LOVE.

(See also: Emily Osment's new video. Oh, and everything ever.)

Miley's new teen love ballad.

Note: Don't watch this whole video. I'm almost positive it's just the first 20 seconds on a loop. While watching some entertainment news show tonight, I learned that the music video is helping promote her new movie (of the same plot). And, not ten seconds after I thought, "Wow, this looks like a Nicholas Sparks novel," it was revealed to be based on a Nicholas Sparks novel. Ten bucks says he teaches her how to drive stick shift.

Can you buy ecstasy on Diagon Alley?

2010-02-22T16:13:00.000-08:00

If you've never heard of Skins, it's a British program that follows a handful of teens as they cope with the stresses of life by getting drunk, vomiting, doing drugs, vomiting, having sex, and vomiting. It's fantastic. Here's the season 1 trailer.

(Note: Yes, that was the kid from Slumdog Millionaire.)

I also have a little theory about Skins...it's what the Harry Potter series would be like if all the characters were real people (at least for the first two seasons). And by real people, I mean an entirely new set of fictional people.

In the beginning of Skins, our protagonist is Tony Stonem (the series then focuses on one character per episode, but that's unimportant right now). Tony is exactly what Harry Potter would be if he were a real person- how do I put this- a total dick. He's played by Nicholas Hoult, who, apart from being a stone cold fox, is also the actor who played the awkward little kid in About a Boy. Think about it. A little boy that everyone loves who drops off the radar when he's young and then shows up as a teen in school? Yeah, that's Harry Potter.

Harry's bff, Ron Weasley, finds his Skins counterpart in Sid, (obviously, Tony's best friend). Tell me this isn't a conversation real-life Harry and Ron would have...

Tony (Harry): Tonight we go to a party and you finally pop the cherry. You finally get the VIP tour of Neverland. You finally...

Sid (Ron): Fuck off. Not "finally."

Tony: Well, it's embarrassing.

Sid: It's common and quite normal for someone of sixteen...

Tony: No. It's embarrassing, Sid.

Sid: Shit. Alright, how?

Tony: We go to the party, and we get a girl catastrophically spliffed up. In her confused state, she comes to believe, however momentarily, that you are attractive enough to shag.

Note: To the best of my knowledge, "getting spliffed up" is the equivalent of being under a babbling curse, a confundus charm, and a jelly-brain jinx...with a hankering to accio some snacks immediately.

Skins has a Luna Lovegood too- Cassie. In addition to looking exactly like Luna, she's suicidal and is a (sometimes) recovering anorexic. Granted, this isn't exactly the same as losing your shoes and talking about nargles all the time, but, hey, J.K. Rowling loves a good metaphor.

The one person Tony doesn't constantly put down and manipulate is his younger sister Effy. I know this is going to a weird place cause Harry and Ginny are an item in the books, but for the purposes of this post, Effy is a real-life Ginny Weasley. They both have fabulous names, and at one point, Tony has to save Effy from the real world version of a basilisk under the control of the memory of an evil lord in a secret lair. Meaning, Effy gets kidnapped by Tony's ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend and is given too many drugs at a country club rave. TOTALLY THE SAME.

Oh, and if you're still not convinced, let's take a look at the shared plot points:

ODing = being petrified
driving your car into a river = flying your car into an enchanted tree
getting your clarinet broken = getting your wand broken
having your dad die in the middle of the night = having your godfather vanish through a mysterious curtain
getting pregnant and then having an abortion without knowing that your boyfriend has a congenital disorder that causes him to suffer from subarachnoid hemorrhages = wait, what?

Michelle Trachtenberg and James Van Der Beek are friends.

2010-02-14T18:28:00.001-08:00

Or at least they will be until he finds her journal that says some true but hurtful things about his dad's financial status.

My Stepson Is My Cyber-Husband.

2010-02-14T09:22:00.000-08:00

Celebrity couples that don't make me want to claw my eyes out with dull forks.

2010-02-09T16:44:00.000-08:00

(...as opposed to the wildly popular option of sharp forks.)

I would really like to see Valentine's Day 2, People Who Don't Suck with this cast of real-life couples...

Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman

They double date with Amy Poehler and Will Arnett.* Also, you probably know Nick Offerman from Parks and Recreation, but he also played Bo (Jackson's brother) on Gilmore Girls. You know...the one who thought Loralei was a nympho...he came into town for the double baptism?

Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard

Because I don't think they're the type of couple that does duets for their friends at parties. No seriously, click that link.

Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy

Because if she was being held in a Thai prison under false drug trafficking charges, he'd find a way to get her out of it.

Ione Skye and Ben Lee

TMZ reports: He gave her his heart, and she gave him a pen.

Anna Faris and Chris Pratt

I have a love/hate relationship with Anna Faris, but anyone who is good enough for Bright Abbott is good enough for me.

Isla Fisher and Sacha Baron Cohen

You know the scene in Wedding Crashers where Isla Fisher and Vince Vaughn meet and dance up a storm? I feel like she and Sacha Baron Cohen would do that in real life.

Samantha Bee and Jason Jones

Yep, they're married. With a kid. I bet Jon Stewart baby-sits for them.

*Not included in this list because, come on, they're just a given.

And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange a few things, we could certainly party with the Haitians.

2010-02-04T08:02:00.000-08:00

Celine Dion is in between the Jonas Brothers? Yes, yes, she is.

'We Are The World' Remake Brings Lil Wayne/Kanye/Pink/Usher, More Together For Haiti

ALSO: Here's a great little article about how and where to donate (and not get scammed).

It's funny because Douglas Adams predicted the Internet. Sort of.

2010-02-02T19:56:00.000-08:00

TIG.

2010-01-29T16:34:00.000-08:00

A sneak peek of the new season of the Sarah Silverman Program.

The Sarah Silverman Program – Season 3 SNEAK PEEK! - watch more funny videos

I hate that stupid old pickup truck ~ Happy 80th birthday, Grandma.

2010-01-28T07:41:00.000-08:00

Taylor Swift has a new greeting card line. In my opinion, this is the best one...

Yes, the majority of them look like Facebook bumpers stickers.

Yes, I'm pretty sure most of the words are her song lyrics.

Yes, that dog bowl is sparkly.

Sneak peek here.

Clip of the Day

2010-01-12T10:57:00.000-08:00

The first thirty seconds of this...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

The D.C.

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

...and a touch of this.

You're right, Seth. That was awesome.

Suit Up! with Lauren Graham

2010-01-11T17:40:00.000-08:00

Lauren Graham at NBC Universal's Press Tour Cocktail Party held Sunday, January 10, 2010.

Maybe This Year Will Be Better Than The Last

2010-01-03T17:33:00.000-08:00

(The only post titles I could think of were sappy, my life sucked this year songs.)

Normally, I'm not much for New Year's resolutions. However, I feel there are some things need to be resolved in the world in general this year. Alas, I have created a few resolutions.

1. (For advertisers) I will not butcher the English language to satisfy my own advertising needs.

Listen up. I could handle it with a cringe and a smile when you started spelling "judgment" with an extra 'e' because MAYBE you're British. I could stand it when you started using "funner" and "funnest" (I'm looking at you, Apple) because I SUPPOSE it could be considered a natural slang progression of language. And I was able to hang on to the steep cliff that is my gag reflex when you started to add extra accents to the ends of words to make them French (Really? Cubiclé? No wonder the French hate us and feed us snails).

But I simply cannot take you taking a machete to the dictionary when you sit in your office thinking, Hmm, I can't decide between this word and that word. Let's just combine them! That worked with pb and j's and blt's (pretty much all of your acronymic sandwiches). It will NOT work with words.

Now let me clarify. I'm not talking about making up a name for your brand new product that's going to revolutionize the way we shave our legs or something. For all I care, you can try to sell me SUPER-ROBOBOOKMARKITIS to wash my face. It's when you make up random shit on the way. For example...

glambition, maxxinista, wowerful,

supermodelquins, rockstare, unthink,

guyoroning

These are some of the more pervasive ones, but keep an eye out. They're everywhere.

And, yes, I blame you, Snickers.

2. (For television executives) I will stop releasing hand-me-down television programs.

Enough's enough. Stop giving me your older sister's tv shows that she wore to her prom eight years ago. She didn't even like it then; her mom made her wear it.

Please, no more television programs in which crimes are solved with the help of people not usually involved in the crime-solving process. This includes mathematicians, psychics, fake psychics, people with obsessive compulsive disorder, mentalists, people who can tell when other people are lying (which is what I thought a mentalist was, but whatever), novelists, people who can bring other people back to life, etc.

Also, no more reality competition shows. So, you think you can sing by yourself, sing in a group, dance by yourself, dance in a group, dance with a celebrity, create your own fashion line with no experience, or create your own fashion line with some experience? I DON'T CARE.

3. (For movie executives) I will stop trying to make vampires happen. They're not going to happen.

We did the zombie thing, the spy thing, the pirate thing, the superhero thing, and now the vampire thing. They're done. Get over it. If you're still making movies about vampires (exception: the FOURTH- not third- Twilight movie, y'know, cause that's when they finally do it), you're too late. Vampire trend, go out with some dignity. I know you probably can't top Pirate Trend's grand finale of REAL PIRATES, but I see no need to play you off with Oscar music.

Amanda, Please.

2010-01-01T00:23:00.000-08:00

He may not be a movie star, but when it comes to being happy, we are.

2009-12-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

Apparently, a woman jumped a barrier and dragged down the Pope on Christmas Eve. Let me first say that I'm glad the Pope was unharmed in this incident, and my best wishes go out to the cardinal whose hip was fractured in the attack.

However, I must admit that when I first saw the footage (first ten to fifteen seconds)...

...I immediately thought of this...

Maybe there was just someone on the other side of the aisle that had plans to get themselves killed by vampires. There's totally something about that in the Book of Revelation, right?

One of these things is EXACTLY THE SAME as the other...

2009-12-17T10:43:00.000-08:00

This is Selena Gomez's music video for "Naturally." Watch as much as your eyes can handle, and then move on to the next one.

Her video seems so familiar. Oh wait...

Be the Jessica to my Elizabeth? If my name was Elizabeth? And we were twins?

2009-12-15T09:53:00.000-08:00

In all the Twilight hubbub, one delightful actress has slipped through the shirtlessness-obsessed, anxious hands of Twihards everywhere. Anna Kendrick, who played Jessica in both the first and second installations of the TWILIGHT SAGA, is gaining popularity as well as my undying love.

She probably got the best deal out of all the actors in the TWILIGHT SAGA, as she gained much of the fame that the main characters did, got to be in one of the highest grossing films of the year, and yet she managed to avoid getting dangerously stalked...except by me, of course. Also, it's common knowledge that characters that aren't trapped in a bottomless pit of angst don't get many lines in the Twilight movies, but she really stole the show with her lines in New Moon.

Now she's starring opposite George Clooney in Up In The Air, and her performance has earned her a Golden Globe nomination. Oh, and she's the second youngest Tony nominee. Y'know, no big.

After I heard all this, I liked her, but it wasn't until after I saw her interview on Jay Leno last night that I officially began my Amanda-Please-style infatuation. During the face-to-face interview, Kendrick likened herself to Scrappy Doo, scolded Jay for being a road-douche, and evaded Leno's semi-vulgar innuendos with "What kind of girl do you think I am?" Later, she participates in Leno's car race, and he continues to ask her ridiculous questions while she's driving A REAL CAR. She responds, and I paraphrase, Dude, I'm not going to answer your questions right now; I am driving a car.

Hey, Anna, if you want to hang out, I promise I won't ditch you to endanger myself in order to hallucinate about my ex-boyfriend. Promise.

Clip of the Day

2009-12-14T17:30:00.000-08:00

Breaking News: MTV Regains 'Crap Monkey' Status

2009-12-11T08:40:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I spoke too soon. It's On with Alexa Chung will NOT be returning after it's December 17th season finale. There is only one way I can fully communicate my feelings on this subject...

This Just In: MTV NOT a Hellmouth...

2009-12-10T14:36:00.000-08:00

Y'know, I lost my faith in MTV a long time ago due to their horrific programming that rarely includes actual music. Alexa Chung made me pause and reconsider this stance over the summer, but all her good work was quickly undone by Jersey Shore and the fact that The Hills has been picked up for ANOTHER SEASON. However, it turns out that MTV will start playing old Buffy, the Vampire Slayer episodes in the new year, beginning with an 18-hour marathon on New Year's Day. It's a slow climb to decency, MTV, but you're off on the right foot.

I'm almost positive that I have a signed copy of the photo above somewhere in my house...if only I knew where.

Suit (Dress) Up! with Julianne Moore

2009-12-07T09:00:00.001-08:00

Julianne Moore at the screening of A Single Man held Sunday, December 6, 2009.

Hey now, hey now, this is what dreams are made of...

2009-12-06T18:59:00.000-08:00

Although the cast of When in Rome has me drooling all over my keyboard, I fear it will, in fact, be an hour and 40 minute long reminder that Kristen Bell is not actually Veronica Mars.

P.S. Dear Mr. or Ms. Casting Director, I felt dirty when Alexis Dziena (Bell's character's sister) was being all sexy in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and now she's playing a bride? That gives me a weird this-should-be-illegal feeling, and, oh hey, the only physical similarity she has with Bell is her height. K THANX.

Music Video Mathmatix: Fireflies

2009-11-30T15:24:00.000-08:00

Sid's Room from Toy Story.

Creepjob alone in his room playing the organ.

A dash of The Postal Service.

Owl City - Fireflies
Uploaded by UniversalMusicGroup. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

Clip of the Day

2009-11-21T23:01:00.000-08:00

Thank you to Ben, from whom I stole this wondrous video.

Sarah! You look skinny! You should eat a sandwich!

2009-11-17T19:56:00.000-08:00

What is Yo Gabba Gabba?

Yo Gabba Gabba is an awesome Nick Jr. show for preschoolers that artfully toes the line between blow-my-brains-hip-and-fun and acid-trip-unmarked-van-creepy.

What celebrities love Yo Gabba Gabba?

All celebrities love Yo Gabba Gabba, especially Brad Pitt, who dressed up as DJ Lance Rock for Halloween.

What can Yo Gabba Gabba teach ME?

Everything. My favorite lessons are "Don't bite your friends," and "Eating noodles is fun." Plus, Elijah Wood taught me how to do the marionette.

I like television, but I LOVE music. Can Yo Gabba Gabba give me what I need, or will it too kill the radio star?

The Aquabats, the Ting Tings, YGG has it all. Biz Markie (Oh, baby, you got what I need, but you say he's just a friend) even teaches you to beatbox! Nope. Not shitting you.

But, WHAT ABOUT AMY SEDARIS?

Yep, she guest starred on YGG too. She played Jerri Blank, playing the Tooth Fairy, playing the main character in the next sixth months of my nightmares. It was awesome.

Can you say bangarang?

2009-11-15T18:50:00.000-08:00

Corbin Bleu went as Rufio from Hook this past Halloween. I would eat imaginary food with him any day of the year.

Clips of the Day: These are my obsessions...

2009-11-15T12:31:00.000-08:00

Aaron Carter, legwarmers, Two Princes. Obsessed.

Is it just me, or did that last part come straight out of N*SYNC's Bye Bye Bye? Nick's gonna be pissed.

Oh, hey, Nancy Sinatra. How did you know I drink RC for breakfast...out of a wine glass?

(Jezebel)

P.S. I like your white outfit and white house with no furniture. Very futuristic.

Suit (Dress) Up! with Amanda Peet

2009-11-14T22:04:00.000-08:00

Amanda Peet on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on Friday, November 13.

Don't break my heart, and I won't break your heart-shaped glasses.

2009-11-13T22:48:00.000-08:00

I can't stop laughing at this.

Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the Earth's gravitational pull?

2009-11-13T13:09:00.000-08:00

We are living in the future. I know this not because I can check sports scores while flying through the air or because a tiny screen can tell me where I am and how to get home in a myriad of different languages. No, I know we're living in the future because of Lady Gaga. She is everything we always thought the future would be, especially in her new video for Bad Romance.

IN THE FUTURE:

1. Everyone will wear clothes that are essentially complex seatbelts. (The Fifth Element)

2. Everyone's clothes, surrounding environments, and person-sized capsules will be white. Unless they're another color, in which case they will be gold, silver, or shiny. (Sleeper. Oh, and every other movie that's set in the future. But Sleeper has Woody Allen. And an orgasmatron.)

3. At one point in the future, you will be naked, and your back will be freaky to look at. (The Matrix)

4. Everyone's eyes will be insanely huge. (Wall-E)

5. You will look like a robot. You will dress like a robot. You will sing like a robot. You will dance like a robot. You will have giant rings around you like a robot. (Metropolis)

6. The end of the future will make no sense. (2001: A Space Odyssey)

And finally, Bad Romance...

Today is your lucky day. Forsooth, here are some videos.

2009-11-10T22:03:00.000-08:00

In honor of the recent Sesame Street anniversary...

And now, page one of the I Can Do the Frug Literary Anthology...

2009-11-10T18:37:00.000-08:00

or A Dance/Techno/House Song That Could Pass As Sappy Teenage Poetry.

What is love

Baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me
no more

Oh I don't know
why you're not fair
I give you my love
but you don't care

So what is right
and what is wrong
gimme a sign

Oh I don't know
what can I do
what else can I say
it's up to you

I know we're one
just me and you
I can't go on

I want no other
No other love
This is your life
our time

When we are together
I need you forever
Is it love

Baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me
no more

~ Haddaway ~

Image found here.

Solid gold shit, maestro.

2009-11-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

I believe I've already discussed the ridiculousness that is Valentine's Day. Well, here's the trailer.

First of all, why weren't the Taylors Swift and Lautner in that? Secondly, the only part of that video that looks remotely appealing is the Patrick Dempsey/Jennifer Garner pair-up, but my attraction to that couple is really just nostalgia for Lucky Number Seven (look it up). Thirdly, if Julia Roberts is playing Bradley Cooper's mother, I fully intend to knife a bitch.

Valentine's Day will probably be pretty decent but nothing new. The same old jokes, the same old cliched characters, and, obviously, the same old celebrities. Fear not, I have an equally star-stuffed alternative with slightly more promise!

Check out The Romantics instead. It's an independent comedy that's adapted from a novel, and it's about eight college friends who reunite for a wedding. Starring, wait for it...Katie Holmes, Anna Paquin, Josh Duhamel, Jeremy Strong, Malin Akerman, Elijah Wood, and Adam Brody. Yes plz.

Oh, you might want to put this on a post-it to remind yourself...because Valentine's Day will be released in February and The Romantics only begins shooting this week.

Mindy Kaling only speaks the truth.

2009-11-01T11:16:00.000-08:00

Welcome to John Adams High...where you are gonna die...

2009-10-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

"Well, I'll get as sick as you can without actually dying."

"Shawn is still your roommate! Together, you can make the rent."

5 Things You May Have Forgotten...

2009-10-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

Jawbreaker

I just saw this on TV a couple of weeks ago for the first time since I was obsessed with it in the eighth grade. Calling it a precursor to Mean Girls would be an understatement; it's practically the original version with some murder thrown in. It had the makeover, the malicious postering of the high school, and my first encounter with the magnificent Judy Greer (as Fern Mayo, I mean, Vylette). Definitely worth another watch.

That Vince Vaughn can do serious

Wedding Crashers be damned, the man can play intense and sinister convincingly. He played Norman Bates in the Anne Heche remake of Psycho (which obviously doesn't even compare to the original), but he's got that tall leery thing going on that totally works. He also played an FBI agent opposite J.Lo in The Cell, which, by the way, is a great creepy Halloween flick.

Working

I used to watch this sitcom all the time when I was younger, even though I'm sure I didn't understand 70% of the jokes. Starring Fred Savage of The Wonder Years fame, and with Debi Mazar, this was my first sitcom in which the characters work all day but never actually work. So, I'd pinpoint it as my first contributor to a somewhat wavering work ethic.

Ethan Embry

Can't Hardly Wait, That Thing You Do!, White Squall, Empire Records, S

weet Home Alabama- all top notch. But where are you now, Ethan? The last big thing I saw you in was a ridiculous ABC Family movie because I certainly didn't watch The Brotherhood. I demand more of your naive, boyish charm pronto! P.S. If you haven't seen Dancer, Texas Pop. 81, queue it up immediately (although it is possible you have to be a 13-year-old girl to appreciate it as much as I did when I was a 13-year-old girl).

Dick

Get your mind out of the gutter; I'm talking about the Kirsten Durst-Michelle Williams flick set in the early 70's. They play two flighty girls who become Nixon's official dog walkers and end up having a large impact on Watergate, the Vietnam War, and Nixon's resignation. More importantly, Woodward and Bernstein are played by...wait for it...Will Ferrell and Bruce McCulloch (McCulloch played Tobin in Gilmore Girls and was in Kids in the Hall). Can't be beat.

The Daves I Know

JonathanTheGreat | MySpace Video

Sadly, there are no Taylor Swift lyrics that correspond to this video.

2009-10-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

P.S. Taylor will be hosting SNL on November 7th.

P.P.S. Speculation grows about her relationship with Taylor Lautner. Also, my excitement.

Quotent Quotables.

2009-10-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

I got that after we shot Clerks. I'd broken up with a girl and was feeling blue so I was drinking a lot of boxed Zinfandel. My friend was like: "That's awesome, man – why did you get it?" I said: "Because I'm always late, right?" He goes: "That's the White Rabbit." So I have the Mad Hatter on my arm and it has no significance whatsoever, except to remind me not to drink wine out of a box.

Kevin Smith on his Mad Hatter tattoo.

(Guardian via Jezebel)

Why I love Aziz Ansari.

2009-10-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

Who's Aziz Ansari, you ask? Well, he's in Parks and Recreation with Amy Poehler, and he was in Human Giant. What's Human Giant, you ask?

I'm a Mouse, Duh: Worst Halloween Costumes 2009

2009-10-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

As Cady Heron once said, "Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut, and no other girls can say anything about it." This has gone way too far, as I learned when I browsed the costumes at Buycostumes.com. Here are some of the most horrifying and offensive (to your eyes, your religion, your socio-economic class, your sex, and your ethnicity) costumes.

I'm confused. Are you supposed to bring the platform around with you everywhere? Is the platform actually a giant set of shoes? If you go to a club, does the platform double as a hat so people will actually know what you are? If a trophy wife falls in the forest, does it make a noise?

She did it all for the nookie.

I don't think you could possibly get a clearer definition of objectification. Or a better excuse to wear a waterbra.

For that time when you just can't say "I'm dressed like a prostitute!" clearly enough.

Confused again. Why would someone want to appear...smart? Does not compute.

Also, uh, we matriculate a lot.

Also, some joke about Freddie Prinze Jr. in She's All That.

The Mary costume is better when you see what's next to it on the website...

Now, if you want to go the religious route but Mary's just a bit too biblical for you, try one of these.

What is the deal with the sleeves on the left one? It looks like the Sleeve Monster threw up on her.

And finally, the giant oven costume you've always wanted so that everyone at the club/party/haunted castle you're at knows that you're pregnant, desperate for children, or happened to eat a lot today.

A dream is a wish your heart makes.

2009-10-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

Tina Fey and John Stamos just happened to be at Disney World on the same day back in March. On a related note, it costs $89.99 to get a 24" by 36" oversize color poster (on heavy weight coated paper, mounted on foam board and laminated) at FedEx Office.

More good grammar via Twitter...

2009-10-13T21:06:00.000-07:00

I love you, Elizabeth Banks, even if you do taste like a burger.

Clip of the Day

2009-10-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

If you don't watch 30 Rock, Liz snuck into Floyd's AA meeting and heard all of his private relationship issues, and this is her evening the score.

So. Freaking. Excited.

2009-10-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

I just heard about these two new projects, and I can't wait.

Crossroads remake?

Kristen Bell will star as Christina Aguilera's rival in "Burlesque," Screen Gems' musical drama being directed by Steve Antin. "Burlesque" centers on the journey of an ambitious small-town girl (Aguilera) with a big-town voice who finds love and success in a Los Angeles neo-burlesque club, reminiscent of the nightclub in Bob Fosse's "Cabaret." (Aguilera has guested in cabarets for the Pussycat Dolls.)

Bell will play Nikki, the loose-cannon lead dancer and main attraction at the club who spirals out of control when Aguilera's character suddenly gets the spotlight.

Already cast are Cher as the nightclub owner and Stanley Tucci as the man who helps turn Aguilera from bumpkin to bombshell.

(http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/film/news/e3i731d7f0f9e7e4ab1001fbc71fa57ee47)

State of Page?

Actress Ellen Page (Juno) adds TV writer-producer to her credits with ‘Stitch N' Bitch,' a comedy she created with her co-stars Alia Shawkat and Sean Tillmann from Whip It, currently in theaters and directed by Drew Barrymore.

The story follows a pair of hip girls moving from Brooklyn to LA to pursue their art. Page, an Oscar nominee for her breakthrough in Juno, is filming ‘Inception' opposite Leonardo DiCaprio.

(http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/ellen-page-to-write-and-produce-ldquostitchrsquonrsquobitchrsquo-for-hbo-1800062.html)

Rose McGowan, let's be besties.

2009-10-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

Sisters? Hallie, we're like twins!

Clip of the Day

2009-10-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

Why? It's hilarious.

Yes, Poot was on Gossip Girl.

Aaron Echolls: People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive 1987

2009-10-06T18:56:00.000-07:00