Tears and Laughter: The Biopic Casting Story

Like actors love an easy Oscar, Hollywood loves its biopics. With none of that silly plot stuff to come up with, biopics seem to be whipped up and shipped out faster than it takes you to properly pronounce "Joaquin Phoenix." The latest biopic (expected in 2012)- with by far the most ill-suited casting- is Janis Joplin: Get It While You Can, starring Amy Adams. And, after the initial mourning period caused by the realization that Joplin won't be played by Jenna Maroney, I got to thinking, Wow, I could cast better than that, and by Cher, I'm going to.

1. THE OBVIOUS.

I personally believe that the film industry took a big hit last year with the loss of actor Patrick Swayze. His contributions to film and television over the past 30 years should be commemorated in a biopic I've titled The Outsider: The Patrick Swayze Story starring...Neil Patrick Harris. NPH is perfect for this role- he can sing, he can dance, and he can certainly star in the Broadway version of Grease.

And, I mean, HELLO...

2. THE OBLIGATORY MUSICIAN WITH DRUG PROBLEMS.

Do you know who Chet Baker is? He sang My Funny Valentine? No? Well, he was a popular jazz singer and trumpet player in the 1950's. Oh yeah, and he was amazing and addicted to heroin. Also, he got kicked out of a few countries, got the shit beat out of him in San Francisco, and had to relearn how to play the trumpet with dentures. No bigs.

I'm thinking we need a big name to really get the preteen fangirls interested. Good thing Penn Badgley happens to be his doppelganger.

3. THE "IT TOOK ME MONTHS OF INTENSIVE TRAINING TO PLAY THIS PART."

Now, this is a tough one because Shari Lewis is close to my heart. Host and puppeteer of Lamb Chop's Play-Along, Lewis was a remarkable ventriloquist and a fantastic performer. She passed away in 1998, and I'm calling for the remembrance of her legacy through a biopic starring, get this, Debra Messing. Yes, it will be a lot of work on Messing's part, but anything that lessens her association with The Starter Wife would be totally worth it.

The first two minutes of this are astounding.

And Debra Messing with puppets:

4. CHALLENGE EXTENDED.

Alright, we'll keep this going with the children's performers genre. My final biopic choice is Mr. Fred Rogers. Mr. Rogers' show was a massive contribution to educational children's television, and, well, you might to sit down and put your hand underneath your jaw for support for my final choice. I want Dax Shepard to portray him in this hypothetical biopic. He hasn't always played the admirable authority figure, but, hey, he was on Bonnie Hunt's sitcom, so that's gotta earn him some points. And yes, this is just a challenge extended from me to him to see if he's truly worthy of Veronica Mars', damnit, I mean Kristen Bell's, hand in marriage. Check it.