Maybe This Year Will Be Better Than The Last

(The only post titles I could think of were sappy, my life sucked this year songs.)

Normally, I'm not much for New Year's resolutions. However, I feel there are some things need to be resolved in the world in general this year. Alas, I have created a few resolutions.

1. (For advertisers) I will not butcher the English language to satisfy my own advertising needs.

Listen up. I could handle it with a cringe and a smile when you started spelling "judgment" with an extra 'e' because MAYBE you're British. I could stand it when you started using "funner" and "funnest" (I'm looking at you, Apple) because I SUPPOSE it could be considered a natural slang progression of language. And I was able to hang on to the steep cliff that is my gag reflex when you started to add extra accents to the ends of words to make them French (Really? Cubiclé? No wonder the French hate us and feed us snails).

But I simply cannot take you taking a machete to the dictionary when you sit in your office thinking, Hmm, I can't decide between this word and that word. Let's just combine them! That worked with pb and j's and blt's (pretty much all of your acronymic sandwiches). It will NOT work with words.

Now let me clarify. I'm not talking about making up a name for your brand new product that's going to revolutionize the way we shave our legs or something. For all I care, you can try to sell me SUPER-ROBOBOOKMARKITIS to wash my face. It's when you make up random shit on the way. For example...

glambition, maxxinista, wowerful,

supermodelquins, rockstare, unthink,

guyoroning

These are some of the more pervasive ones, but keep an eye out. They're everywhere.

And, yes, I blame you, Snickers.

2. (For television executives) I will stop releasing hand-me-down television programs.

Enough's enough. Stop giving me your older sister's tv shows that she wore to her prom eight years ago. She didn't even like it then; her mom made her wear it.

Please, no more television programs in which crimes are solved with the help of people not usually involved in the crime-solving process. This includes mathematicians, psychics, fake psychics, people with obsessive compulsive disorder, mentalists, people who can tell when other people are lying (which is what I thought a mentalist was, but whatever), novelists, people who can bring other people back to life, etc.

Also, no more reality competition shows. So, you think you can sing by yourself, sing in a group, dance by yourself, dance in a group, dance with a celebrity, create your own fashion line with no experience, or create your own fashion line with some experience? I DON'T CARE.

3. (For movie executives) I will stop trying to make vampires happen. They're not going to happen.

We did the zombie thing, the spy thing, the pirate thing, the superhero thing, and now the vampire thing. They're done. Get over it. If you're still making movies about vampires (exception: the FOURTH- not third- Twilight movie, y'know, cause that's when they finally do it), you're too late. Vampire trend, go out with some dignity. I know you probably can't top Pirate Trend's grand finale of REAL PIRATES, but I see no need to play you off with Oscar music.

He may not be a movie star, but when it comes to being happy, we are.

Apparently, a woman jumped a barrier and dragged down the Pope on Christmas Eve. Let me first say that I'm glad the Pope was unharmed in this incident, and my best wishes go out to the cardinal whose hip was fractured in the attack.

However, I must admit that when I first saw the footage (first ten to fifteen seconds)...

...I immediately thought of this...

Maybe there was just someone on the other side of the aisle that had plans to get themselves killed by vampires. There's totally something about that in the Book of Revelation, right?

Be the Jessica to my Elizabeth? If my name was Elizabeth? And we were twins?

In all the Twilight hubbub, one delightful actress has slipped through the shirtlessness-obsessed, anxious hands of Twihards everywhere. Anna Kendrick, who played Jessica in both the first and second installations of the TWILIGHT SAGA, is gaining popularity as well as my undying love.

She probably got the best deal out of all the actors in the TWILIGHT SAGA, as she gained much of the fame that the main characters did, got to be in one of the highest grossing films of the year, and yet she managed to avoid getting dangerously stalked...except by me, of course. Also, it's common knowledge that characters that aren't trapped in a bottomless pit of angst don't get many lines in the Twilight movies, but she really stole the show with her lines in New Moon.

Now she's starring opposite George Clooney in Up In The Air, and her performance has earned her a Golden Globe nomination. Oh, and she's the second youngest Tony nominee. Y'know, no big.

After I heard all this, I liked her, but it wasn't until after I saw her interview on Jay Leno last night that I officially began my Amanda-Please-style infatuation. During the face-to-face interview, Kendrick likened herself to Scrappy Doo, scolded Jay for being a road-douche, and evaded Leno's semi-vulgar innuendos with "What kind of girl do you think I am?" Later, she participates in Leno's car race, and he continues to ask her ridiculous questions while she's driving A REAL CAR. She responds, and I paraphrase, Dude, I'm not going to answer your questions right now; I am driving a car.

Hey, Anna, if you want to hang out, I promise I won't ditch you to endanger myself in order to hallucinate about my ex-boyfriend. Promise.

Say it. Out loud, say it. VAMPIRE.

We all know the vampire trend should have died four months ago. But, because there are three more installments of the Twilight series that tons of people will shell out eight bucks to see in the theatre (myself regrettably included), the popularity of vampires is here to stay for at least a few years. I know this probably makes you want to crawl into your bomb shelter and learn to dance with Brendan Fraser and Christopher Walken, but you simply can't avoid this whole vampire phase we're all going through. So, I'm going to briefly summarize what's going on in the vampire world so that- at the very least- you can mock others in an informed manner.

I will also rate them in a very confusing but totally witty manner. The rating scale will consist of 1 to 5 vampire fangs, 1 being the least sucky and 5 sucking the most.

Twilight - 4 fangs

New Moon in a nutshell: Bella, depressed, suicidal, and with more orgasmic writhing. Jacob Black, being all Ryan Atwood-y. The worst break-up since Fatal Attraction, with some Italy and Dakota Fanning. (P.S. I had a dream about a year ago that Dakota Fanning was trying to kill me which clearly means that I'm as psychic as Alice.)

The Vampire Diaries - 5 fangs

I did watch the first episode of The Vampire Diaries, and I'm not sure I can fully describe its suckitude to you here now. It was Twilight, exactly Twilight, but with swirl of teen drama that I can't stomach unless its straight out of the mid-90s WB. Basic plot: Already depressed girl with two friends, one blonde and perky, the other a minority and genuine, falls for vampire who doesn't suck the blood of humans. Main girl also has psychic friend and a blonde guy who's in love with her. Rival vampire arrives, breaks window. Angst.

Proof that vampires don't know how to deal with confrontation about their color-changing eyes...

Watch from 2:45 to 2:57.

...and that these two are exactly the same.

Watch from 4:03 to the end.

Let the Right One In - 1 fang

A Swedish horror flick based on a novel that is actually quite scary. Puts a new spin on bullying and Rubik's Cubes. Also a great choice for Halloween (I know its a bit early to think about Halloween, but ABC Family is already showing commercials for 13 Days of Halloween- apparently it's "days" now and not "nights"- so, I feel that my comment is appropriate).

The Vampire's Assistant - 2 fangs

The Vampire's Assistant is a new movie based on a book about a bored 16-year-old who goes to a traveling freak show and becomes, surprise surprise, a vampire's assistant. Although my trust in John C. Reilly's acting choices was officially shattered after watching Step Brothers, this movie looks intriguing. It's got a Tim Burton style that seems to focus on the grotesque rather than the sparkly bloodsuckers. SO in.

Transylmania - 5 fangs

Although not written, produced, or directed by the Wayans brothers, Transylmania looks like it was taken straight out of the Scary Movie-Dance Flick genre. (Also, did you know that Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Disaster Movie were NOT done by the Wayans brothers?) This movie appears to be more painful than that time I went to see Scary Movie 3 on a date. True story.

True Blood - 2 fangs

Unfortunately, I'm no longer nannying for my cousins who have HBO, and therefore I have not kept up with True Blood. But hello, its got Anna Paquin. What else could you ask for except maybe a dream to fly south with the geese that you raised (and freaked out about when they almost had their wings clipped) in an aircraft that you and your dad built that was painted to look like a giant goose?

Vampire Weekend - 5 fangs

Indie pop rock band that actually has nothing to do with vampires and therefore has made the best use of the vampire trend. Also, what I like to dub the 48 hours after I bought the Twilight dvd.

If you'd like to help a vampire in your community, please visit

http://www.heartlandbc.org/centers.html.

If you'd like to fully understand this blog post, please watch a little of The O.C. and all of Blast from the Past and Fly Away Home.

mustache contest ... interesting. so even if you win, you still lose.

So I was going to try and write a post around this photo.  And the more I try, the more I realize no words can do this gem any justice.  Amber Tamblyn.  Alexis Bledel.  All Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants references aside, if I could choose two brunette former television actresses to share a bottle of red with on a Friday night, it'd totally be these two.

            

Apparently the story behind the 'stache is that Tamblyn was at the 10th Anniversary party for Nylon magazine and wanted to avoid party photographers ... right.  I'm quite sure the real reason was she wanted to avoid Mary-Kate Olsen and that one Cheetah Girl.  Wait, WHAT?  That's not MK?  That's Little J?  Apparently I'm not the ONLY one who's been loving LC's vamp-esque red lipstick in The Hills Season 5 promo. xoxo Alice Cullen.

            

On a completely random note: If you ever want to win my undying love and affection, tell me I look like Amber Tamblyn.  It worked for this one girl on my calcio team.  Do I actually?  Not so much.  But it helped me forget that Calcio Girl graduated from a rival high school and I never head-butted or shin-kicked her once.

Buffy Vs. Bella: The Ultimate Showdown

*May contain some spoilers for Twilight.

Here are my feelings on the Twilight series, summarized for your convenience:
Highly entertaining. Not a great piece of literature. Bad for its target audience, tween gals, because (1) it portrays relationships and break-ups in unrealistic ways, leading to unhealthy expectations, (2) I believe Edward's thirst for Bella's blood is a thinly veiled metaphor for sex in which Edward must show incredible amounts of self-control not to hurt Bella, and (3) as one blogger writes, Bella's "dominant personality trait is low self-esteem." (http://jezebel.com/5034213/breaking-dawn-
what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting-a-
vampire) This said, I have read all four books twice, seen the movie twice, and Edward Cullen's the background on my phone. Just cause cheeseburgers aren't good for you, it doesn't mean they're not delicious.

Now, if you've read, well, anything on this blog, you'll know that I love pretty much everything that happened in the 90's (apart from the whole stain-on-the-dress thing) and anything that was ever shown on the WB. HOWEVER, somehow I missed out on Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. I watched a few episodes here and there, and after the loaning of several Teen Bop magazines and the prompting of my 4th grade best friend, I wrote to the Buffy cast and received an autographed photo.

So, I've been making up for lost time (a.k.a. avoiding real life) by watching episodes of Buffy online. I'm not too far in, but I've already decided that all these Twilight addicts need to watch some Buffy, pronto. There are a lot of similarities between Twilight and Buffy, but I swear that these crazed fans would actually grow up to be decent people if they chose the latter as their fav entertainment. Let's compare and contrast, shall we? (Or just contrast to prove my point.)


Twilight vs. Buffy, the Vampire Slayer

Father Figure:
Check. Bella's dad is dorky and protective, but generally cool to live with.

Buffy's got it too. Giles is a watcher, so he makes sure Buffy knows when someone's getting ready to take her to Hell.

School Move:
Bella selflessly decides to move to Forks so her momma can get her groove on. Or something like that.

Buffy gets kicked out of her school in L.A. because she burned down the vampire- infested high school gym. Less altruistic, but more kickass.

Vamps:
Generally nice to Bella except for the bitchy one from Thirteen and the ones who want to drink her blood.

Spend most of their time attempting to fulfill prophecies and making cheesy threats before getting their asses handed to them by Buffy.

Main Man:
Edward. Overprotective but hot (not literally, his skin is like ice!). If he was your boyfriend in real life, restraining orders would be involved.

Angel is a vampire that randomly shows up to warn Buffy about stuff. Creepy, weird name, super cryptic, but totally hot (I don't know what his actual temperature is like, but I wouldn't mind finding out).

Special FX:
BOTH SO AWFUL YOU COULD MAKE MORE REALISTIC VAMPIRES WITH HOT GLUE, TWO HANGERS, AND AN OLD SWEATER.

Name Drop:
A ton of people who have been in every movie and tv show made for teens in the past ten years. Most notable is Peter Facinelli who played Mike Dexter in Can't Hardly Wait. Unfortunately, he gets no advice from Jerry O'Connell in this movie. Sad.

Alyson Hannigan, playing an earlier, dorkier, computer-hacking version of her character on How I Met Your Mother. Not complaining here, REVELING. Also, Charisma Carpenter playing an earlier, equally slutty version of her character in Veronica Mars.

Weird Names:
Renesmee. Bella, you are not clever, you are 18.

Xander was too cool for "Alexander" before Topher Grace learned how to tie his shoes.

Heroine:
Bella is clumsy and a loner.

Buffy balances cheer tryouts and slaying.

Extra Awesomes:
Once you become a vampire, you have a TON of sex.
Impromptu trips to Italy...to convince your boyfriend not to commit suicide. Uh, nevermind.

Buffy and her pals let her secret slip a lot, but they cover it up with lame excuses (for example, they'll pretend they said something else that rhymes like, "No, Mrs. So-and-so, I said there was a 'ramp fire' after her!).
This is the pre-iphone era, so the "computer hacking" is essentially just them logging on to the internet.

Two Words:
Sparkly skin.

Musical Episode.


In summary, if this were Celebrity Deathmatch, Twilight would be bleeding and then using all of its self-restraint not to suck its own blood.