Sunday, July 18, 2010


Oh, it's that time again. There's a new ABC Family Original Series premiering August 17th! Well, I think "original" is a bit strong. Here's the description...
Melissa & Joey, a half-hour comedy with Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence executive producing and starring, finds Hart portraying Mel, the grown-up former wild child of a political family who is now a local politician herself.

When her sister ends up in prison and her brother-in-law flees after a scandal hits, Mel must take responsibility for her teenaged niece, Lennox, and pre-adolescent nephew, Ryder. With Mel spread too thin to manage by herself, help comes in the unlikely form of Joe (Lawrence) who, desperate for a job, moves in and becomes the family’s “manny.”
I can only assume this is a response to the overwhelmingly positive feedback they got from that wedding movie they did know...that romantic comedy they did where they hated each other, were forced to be around each other, hijinks ensued, and they fell in love? Yeah, that one.

But doesn't the description remind you of something?

Here's Wikipedia's Who's the Boss description:
Widower Anthony Morton "Tony" Micelli (Danza) is a former second baseman for the St. Louis Cardinals who was forced to retire due to a shoulder injury. He wanted to move out of Brooklyn to find a better environment for his daughter, Samantha (Alyssa Milano). He ended up taking a job in upscale Fairfield, Connecticut as a live-in housekeeper for divorce advertising executive Angela Bower (Judith Light). The Micellis moved into the Bower residence. Also starring were Danny Pintauro as Angela's son Jonathan and Katherine Helmond as Mona Robinson, her feisty, "sexually progressive mother".
So, Melissa & Joey (mindblowingly original title, by the way), all you need now is a Hottie HotHot to play your teenaged niece and a sassy, redheaded mother to guarantee you eight seasons. Yeah, Who's the Boss was on for EIGHT seasons.

Bonus points for knowing from whom I stole the phrase "Hottie HotHot."

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Partly cloudy with a chance of thrift store bongos.

Y'know how when it's about to rain, the arthritic can feel it their bones? Well, the beatnik trendstorm is coming; I can feel it in my joints.

I got pissy when I heard about the On the Road remake, but at the time, it was an isolated incident. (And by the way, dude, the whole Team Allen Ginsberg thing was a joke.) Now, it seems the beatnik re-revolution is going to snowball, picking up chain-smoking hipsters with just enough time to pick up their black turtlenecks for winter. Speaking of which, does American Apparel sell spandex turtlenecks?

In theaters Fall 2010, Howl:
James Franco stars as the young Allen Ginsberg – poet, counter-culture adventurer and chronicler of the Beat Generation. In his famously confessional, leave-nothing-out style, Ginsberg recounts the road trips, love affairs and search for personal liberation that led to the most timeless and electrifying work of his career, the poem HOWL. Meanwhile, in a San Francisco courtroom, HOWL is on trial. Prosecutor Ralph McIntosh (Strathairn) sets out to prove that the book should be banned, while suave defense attorney Jake Ehrlich (Hamm) argues fervently for freedom of speech and creative expression.

And now, the ONLY beatnik poser I will ever love...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I think this is one videotape that needs to be returned.

Patrick Bateman is dead, but his evil legacy continues with Rachael Newman, the only victim who managed to escape Bateman's grasp. Rachael will get rid of anyone who threatens her chances of becoming teaching assistant to the infamous Dr. Daniels.

Starring: Mila Kunis, William Shatner
Director: Morgan J. Freeman

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I'm Mac. I go to school with 500 chicks.

When I was 11, I couldn't get enough of romantic comedies. I seriously would have sacrificed a package of gel pens to see Meg Ryan star in a modernized version of a Shakespeare play with a Liz Phair-stuffed soundtrack. These days I can barely stomach ROMCOMS- which often contain neither a whiff of romance nor a hint of comedy- mostly because they're the same formulaic bullcrap that's been digested and repackaged over and over again. Y'know.

HOWEVER, there is one important and never-forgotten factor that makes these I Hate You BUT REALLY I LOVE YOU crapfests worth watching: the Sassy Best Friend (including subcategories Sassy Gay Friend, Sassy Black Friend, and Sassy Sister Friend). Sassy Best Friend is entertaining because he or she is everything the protagonist is not. Sassy Best Friend is not a bundle of neuroses on the noble quest for a good man; usually, he or she pretty much just wants to get laid. More importantly, while the protagonist denies his or her feelings ("I'm not bajiggity! You are SO bajiggity."), the sassy best friend is blunt past the point of rudeness and often past the point of needing a doctor's prescription.

Here are my top five sassy best friends. Okay, technically there are six.

Honorable Mention: Rosie O'Donnell, Sleepless in Seattle
A movie! That's your problem. You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.
If I recall correctly, Rosie's character casually referenced her mutually abusive relationship with "her Rick" the whole movie and still seemed more sane and level-headed then Meg Ryan's character.

5. Bonnie Hunt, Jerry Maguire
Don't cry at the beginning of a date. Cry at the end, like I do.
Bonnie Hunt, I love you.

4. Joan Cusack, Runaway Bride
I can't find the video clip, so here's the best quote...which is really long.
Maggie: I'm going to kill myself.
Peggy (Sassy Best Friend): Why?
Maggie: Because you think I'm all like... "Hey man, check me out."
Peggy: No, I think you're like, "I'm charming and mysterious in a way that even I don't understand and something about me is crying out for protection from a big man like you." Very hard to compete with. Especially to us married women who have lost our mystery.
Maggie: But you haven't lost your mystery! You're very mysterious!
Peggy: No, I'm weird. Weird and mysterious are two different things.
Maggie: But I'm weird.
Peggy: No, you're quirky. Quirky and weird are two different things.
3. Judy Greer, 27 Dresses
Hey, do you want to come over to my place before the party? Some of the guys from shipping are coming, and they're bringing tequila and bubble wrap.
Judy Greer, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

2. Lisa Kudrow, P.S. I Love You

1. Zooey Deschanel, Failure to Launch
The only watchable scenes of the movie...