We are living in the future. I know this not because I can check sports scores while flying through the air or because a tiny screen can tell me where I am and how to get home in a myriad of different languages. No, I know we're living in the future because of Lady Gaga. She is everything we always thought the future would be, especially in her new video for Bad Romance.
IN THE FUTURE:
1. Everyone will wear clothes that are essentially complex seatbelts. (The Fifth Element)
2. Everyone's clothes, surrounding environments, and person-sized capsules will be white. Unless they're another color, in which case they will be gold, silver, or shiny. (Sleeper. Oh, and every other movie that's set in the future. But Sleeper has Woody Allen. And an orgasmatron.)
3. At one point in the future, you will be naked, and your back will be freaky to look at. (The Matrix)
4. Everyone's eyes will be insanely huge. (Wall-E)
5. You will look like a robot. You will dress like a robot. You will sing like a robot. You will dance like a robot. You will have giant rings around you like a robot. (Metropolis)
6. The end of the future will make no sense. (2001: A Space Odyssey)
I believe I've already discussed the ridiculousness that is Valentine's Day. Well, here's the trailer.
First of all, why weren't the Taylors Swift and Lautner in that? Secondly, the only part of that video that looks remotely appealing is the Patrick Dempsey/Jennifer Garner pair-up, but my attraction to that couple is really just nostalgia for Lucky Number Seven (look it up). Thirdly, if Julia Roberts is playing Bradley Cooper's mother, I fully intend to knife a bitch.
Valentine's Day will probably be pretty decent but nothing new. The same old jokes, the same old cliched characters, and, obviously, the same old celebrities. Fear not, I have an equally star-stuffed alternative with slightly more promise!
Check out The Romantics instead. It's an independent comedy that's adapted from a novel, and it's about eight college friends who reunite for a wedding. Starring, wait for it...Katie Holmes, Anna Paquin, Josh Duhamel, Jeremy Strong, Malin Akerman, Elijah Wood, and Adam Brody. Yes plz.
Oh, you might want to put this on a post-it to remind yourself...because Valentine's Day will be released in February and The Romantics only begins shooting this week.