Sunday, May 31, 2009

Clips of the Day: Or How Not to Make Someone a Vampire

So, I don't know if you watched the MTV Movie Awards tonight, but, as expected, Twilight really cleaned up.  Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart won the award for Best Kiss, and we all expected them to reenact their memorable ten-minutes-before-our-lips-actually-touch smooch.  They started to...and then STOPPED.  What?  Were you afraid Robert was gonna throw you across the room because he's "not strong enough"?  GAH.  Here's a clip.  Start at 3:05. (If you look closely Sandra Bullock actually gets more action with Kristen Stewart than Robert Pattinson does.)

And now, here's how the pros do it.  Take note, awkie bloodsuckers.  Lindsay Lohan loves it.  The Duff sisters love it.  Hilary Swank loves it.  And who's to argue with that power foursome?

Friday, May 29, 2009

Clip of the Day

Start at 0:26.
Blair Waldorf, emotionally ripped apart by Sting lyrics.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Clip of the Day

Why am I so obsessed with this commercial?  Oh yeah, because of that giant swing.

My Baby's A Life-Ruiner. She Ruins People's Lives.

ABC Family has a secret, and it's Lindsay Lohan.  While they've been promoting the crap out of their 10 Things I Hate About You knock-off, you have to go freaking spelunking on their website to discover Labor Pains, a new movie starring none other than our own Cady Heron.

Thea Clayhill (Lindsay Lohan) is about to lose her position as secretary to a very cranky publisher (Chris Parnell) - so she lies about being pregnant to save her job.  It works, but now what?

With help from a friend (Cheryl Hines) - and a pillow - Thea fakes a pregnancy while she figures out what to do next.  But in the meantime, her boss gets called out of town and his cute brother Nick (Luke Kirby) takes over.  Nick launches a new parenting division at the publishing company, and he wants Thea to be the editor.  Suddenly she gets a raise and a promotion.  And pretty soon she begins to like her new life - not to mention Nick - a lot.

But how long can Thea keep up this ruse?  And what will happen when everyone learns the truth?

Thea, to answer your last two questions, nine months and you will get fired.

Okay, so first of all, this movie DOES get points for having Chris Parnell.  However...
A.  A pillow is not going to help you unless you plan on having a fictional rectangular baby.  This plot is flimsy, but the laws of baby shape are not.
B.  How would a twenty-something secretary having her first baby be in any way qualified to be a big-time editor for a parenting division of a publishing company?  Sounds like something off The Hills, my friends.

I have a strong feeling that this movie will be awful, and I will love it.  


1.  Babies aren't rectangular.
2.  Babies aren't duodecahedrons.
These laws are valid and binding in the following states: AL, AK, CA, FL, GA, IL, IN, MO, MS, NH, TX, and WY 

shut up! with mayim bialik.

Okay.  So I actually learned about this from one of our MOST FAITHFUL BLOG FOLLOWERS (which doesn't take much, as ex-Roommate and I aren't even faithful blog followers), but tomorrow, Friday, May 29, at 8 p.m. central time, is the season premiere of What Not to Wear, easily the best reality show on television, featuring Joey Lawrence's little sister herself, BLOSSOM.

Now, if any of you watch those Where Are They Now?-type shows on VH1 and other VH1-type stations, you'd know that Mayim Bialik, the Blossom in question, is now a chemist ... or something science-y.  Either way, we know that she's no longer tapping (Beaches ... always Beaches).
So anyway, I'll be watching.  As should all of you, because it's summer, and so it's completely allowable to stay in on a Friday evening and watch What Not to Wear.  Totally.  
In other news, I definitely rocked the Blossom-esque hats for most of my young childhood.  Anyone else?  I had a huge collection and distinctly remember wearing them to many a grade school basketball game of my big brother.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

fall into the gap.

I have an unnatural obsession with Gap commercials.  It's true ... Gap commercials are what convinced me to buy their "Boyfriend khakis," overlooking the fact that they're exactly the same thing as the Gap khakis I already owned, but, like, a size bigger.  More specifically, Patrick Wilson in a Gap commercial convinced me to buy them.  
So what better place to begin this series of reasonably-priced trips down the memory lane of advertising than with Claire Danes and Patrick Wilson, Annie Get Your Gun style.  You may remember these two crazy kids from their co-starring roles in Evening.  Fun fact:  Hugh Dancy in Evening, totally screwed over by this ill-fated love affair.  Hugh Dancy in (his so-called) real life? Engaged to Claire Danes.

I Hate Your Big Dumb Combat Boots

I know you're feeling old these days what with graduating from college, not having a job, and realizing that 10 Things I Hate About You was made ten years ago.  Oh, just me?  Okay, cool.  Well, anyway, the people at ABC Family have decided to help us all out by making a tv version of 10 Things I Hate About You.  Yep.  No joke.

Here's a run-down of the cast:
Kat- played by the the girl from a show called Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide
Bianca- the bitchy girl from Camp Rock
Patrick- one of the French lovas from Mary-Kate and Ashley's Paris movie
Chastity (aka "I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?")- the bff from Prom Night
And the only saving grace of this program...Kat and Bianca's dad will be played by the same guy who played him in the movie.  Unfortunately, his presence will probably just be a constant reminder that this show is a sub-par knockoff of a teen classic.

Laura's guide to saving this show:
1.   Mention Bogie Lowenstein ALL THE TIME.
2.  Get the guy who played Michael Bernstein, David Krumholtz, aka the guy from Numb3rs, to come back as a teacher.  And Alison Janney.  And the English teacher, Mr. Morgan.  And then the rest of the cast to come back...and play themselves.
3.  Have every episode end in Bianca punching people, and then in the series finale, Larisa Oleynik should punch everybody and yell, "This one's for my sister!  This one's for Shakespeare!  This one's for ruining the one thing besides Alex Mack that people remember me for!"

I'll leave you with this.

Patrick: Well maybe you're not afraid of me but I'm sure you've thought about
 me naked, huh? 
Kat Stratford: Am I that transparent? I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby. 

Monday, May 25, 2009

Clip of the Weekend

There's a Jon and Kate Plus 8 marathon on right now...

Start at 7:42.  Poor Alexis.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Clip of the Day

TGIF, am I right?
I just learned how to embed this blog has officially deteriorated into a hodge-podge of ridiculous videos.  Got a problem?  Take it up with Pippi.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Monday, May 18, 2009

Uncredited Consultant: Jacob Black

Imagine this:

Judy Greer as essentially the same character she played in 13 Going On 30,
Portia de Rossi as a fortune teller,
a Cher wax figure,
Milo Ventimiglia as a gay bully,
Scott Baio as HIMSELF,
Mya and Shannon Elizabeth dying gruesome, painful deaths,
a Lance Bass cameo,
Christina Ricci as Craig Kilborn's assistant,
Joshua Jackson as the only person my dad recognized while watching this (Oh, he was in Dawson's Creek!),
oh yeah, and WEREWOLVES.

This is no joke.  Actually, the movie itself is kindof a joke, but it really exists, and it's called Cursed.  It's essentially an extended version of that Boy Meets World episode where Cory thinks he's a werewolf, except about half the main characters actually are werewolves...because they all sleep around.  But don't worry!  Werewolves get spider senses and pretty much everything else Spiderman gets (walking on the ceiling, super strength) along with all that fur.  If you're not convinced that this is the best cinematic endeavor in existence, here are some QUOTES.

Joanie: Why do men always go for the tortured ones? Poor, damaged Ellie. 
Ellie: [hits Joanie in face with brick] Fuck you!

Ellie: You're a monster! 
Jake: Join the club. 

Zela: Don't let this get up fool you; I have the gift. I blame my mother. 

Joanie: I guess there's no such thing as safe sex with a werewolf.  

Thursday, May 7, 2009

there is something wrong with this picture...

It's hard to tell from the photo, but the name of this particular nail polish shade is "bamboo shoot."  Confession:  Ninety percent of the reason I bought this nail polish yesterday was because I found the name genuinely disturbing.  The other ten percent was so that my mother wouldn't yell at me for having black nails at my graduation.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

No, Sir, I Don't Mean Maybe...Yes, Sir, That's My Baby

I know this is very Greg Kinnear in You've Got Mail, but I just got a new computer, and my emotions can only be expressed in the form of a poem.

From the moment I saw you I knew
nothing would ever be the same.
I'll take this time to confess to you
the love that dare not speak its name.

I'll admit you've made me much happier
than any fling or ex-boyfriend.
I know this just seems to get sappier,
but to me, you're more than a toy, Friend.

In a box I brought you back home 
and named you my little Tess Top,
and now I am writing this poem,
cause you dominate my old desktop.

They can all mock and say mean things like,
"This perversion makes me want to hurl!"
But, guess what, they can all take a hike,
cause in my eyes it's just mac plus girl.

It's ecstasy, it's pure joy, it's bliss.
It's sweet and lovely perfection.
I know that there's much more to this
than simply a wireless connection.

This love is no ruse, not a con,
and you won't ever say, "I wasn't listening, what hun?"
and all I have to do to turn you on
is just press your power button.

Why do you precede everything with "i"?
like me, you must be a narcissist.
I go for a lay-up to break the tie
and you're right there with the assist.

I'm not sure if you noticed?
but I successfully referenced sports!
And even as I wrote this,
I'm dreaming bout your usb ports.

You and me and candlelight,
some wine and calimari,
your monitor is oh so bright
as I open up Safari.

The rest of this poem will be put on hold so I can go make out with my computer while I listen to some Eagle Eye Cherry.

P.S.  I would like to apologize to iambic pentameter and sports fans everywhere.