Monday, May 18, 2009

Uncredited Consultant: Jacob Black

Imagine this:

Judy Greer as essentially the same character she played in 13 Going On 30,
Portia de Rossi as a fortune teller,
a Cher wax figure,
Milo Ventimiglia as a gay bully,
Scott Baio as HIMSELF,
Mya and Shannon Elizabeth dying gruesome, painful deaths,
a Lance Bass cameo,
Christina Ricci as Craig Kilborn's assistant,
Joshua Jackson as the only person my dad recognized while watching this (Oh, he was in Dawson's Creek!),
oh yeah, and WEREWOLVES.

This is no joke.  Actually, the movie itself is kindof a joke, but it really exists, and it's called Cursed.  It's essentially an extended version of that Boy Meets World episode where Cory thinks he's a werewolf, except about half the main characters actually are werewolves...because they all sleep around.  But don't worry!  Werewolves get spider senses and pretty much everything else Spiderman gets (walking on the ceiling, super strength) along with all that fur.  If you're not convinced that this is the best cinematic endeavor in existence, here are some QUOTES.

Joanie: Why do men always go for the tortured ones? Poor, damaged Ellie. 
Ellie: [hits Joanie in face with brick] Fuck you!

Ellie: You're a monster! 
Jake: Join the club. 

Zela: Don't let this get up fool you; I have the gift. I blame my mother. 

Joanie: I guess there's no such thing as safe sex with a werewolf.  


  1. I didn't think this movie was so bad until I read the Quite Un-Original Text Excerpt Samples.

  2. I have totally seen this movie! I just couldn't force myself to turn it off.