Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
We all know the vampire trend should have died four months ago. But, because there are three more installments of the Twilight series that tons of people will shell out eight bucks to see in the theatre (myself regrettably included), the popularity of vampires is here to stay for at least a few years. I know this probably makes you want to crawl into your bomb shelter and learn to dance with Brendan Fraser and Christopher Walken, but you simply can't avoid this whole vampire phase we're all going through. So, I'm going to briefly summarize what's going on in the vampire world so that- at the very least- you can mock others in an informed manner.
I will also rate them in a very confusing but totally witty manner. The rating scale will consist of 1 to 5 vampire fangs, 1 being the least sucky and 5 sucking the most.
Twilight - 4 fangs
New Moon in a nutshell: Bella, depressed, suicidal, and with more orgasmic writhing. Jacob Black, being all Ryan Atwood-y. The worst break-up since Fatal Attraction, with some Italy and Dakota Fanning. (P.S. I had a dream about a year ago that Dakota Fanning was trying to kill me which clearly means that I'm as psychic as Alice.)
The Vampire Diaries - 5 fangs
I did watch the first episode of The Vampire Diaries, and I'm not sure I can fully describe its suckitude to you here now. It was Twilight, exactly Twilight, but with swirl of teen drama that I can't stomach unless its straight out of the mid-90s WB. Basic plot: Already depressed girl with two friends, one blonde and perky, the other a minority and genuine, falls for vampire who doesn't suck the blood of humans. Main girl also has psychic friend and a blonde guy who's in love with her. Rival vampire arrives, breaks window. Angst.
Proof that vampires don't know how to deal with confrontation about their color-changing eyes...
Watch from 2:45 to 2:57.
...and that these two are exactly the same.
Watch from 4:03 to the end.
Let the Right One In - 1 fang
A Swedish horror flick based on a novel that is actually quite scary. Puts a new spin on bullying and Rubik's Cubes. Also a great choice for Halloween (I know its a bit early to think about Halloween, but ABC Family is already showing commercials for 13 Days of Halloween- apparently it's "days" now and not "nights"- so, I feel that my comment is appropriate).
The Vampire's Assistant - 2 fangs
The Vampire's Assistant is a new movie based on a book about a bored 16-year-old who goes to a traveling freak show and becomes, surprise surprise, a vampire's assistant. Although my trust in John C. Reilly's acting choices was officially shattered after watching Step Brothers, this movie looks intriguing. It's got a Tim Burton style that seems to focus on the grotesque rather than the sparkly bloodsuckers. SO in.
Transylmania - 5 fangs
Although not written, produced, or directed by the Wayans brothers, Transylmania looks like it was taken straight out of the Scary Movie-Dance Flick genre. (Also, did you know that Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Disaster Movie were NOT done by the Wayans brothers?) This movie appears to be more painful than that time I went to see Scary Movie 3 on a date. True story.
True Blood - 2 fangs
Unfortunately, I'm no longer nannying for my cousins who have HBO, and therefore I have not kept up with True Blood. But hello, its got Anna Paquin. What else could you ask for except maybe a dream to fly south with the geese that you raised (and freaked out about when they almost had their wings clipped) in an aircraft that you and your dad built that was painted to look like a giant goose?
Vampire Weekend - 5 fangs
Indie pop rock band that actually has nothing to do with vampires and therefore has made the best use of the vampire trend. Also, what I like to dub the 48 hours after I bought the Twilight dvd.
If you'd like to help a vampire in your community, please visit
If you'd like to fully understand this blog post, please watch a little of The O.C. and all of Blast from the Past and Fly Away Home.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
After loving Jayma Mays as an obsessive-compulsive guidance counselor on Glee, I watched her on Heroes, playing an equally charming waitress named Charlie who is murdered after only a few episodes. Then, in a glorious twist of fate, I caught her as the "coat check wench" on How I Met Your Mother (episode: Okay Awesome). I had already seen this episode before and had fallen in love with this character for her theory that everything that's supposed to be fun actually sucks (parades, New Year's Eve). After re-watching this episode, I decided to go on a quest, a quest to find a Jayma Mays role in which she isn't totally adorable.
According to imdb, Mays has been in a handful of shows and movies that got awful reviews. These include Joey, Epic Movie, and Paul Blart: Mall Cop. However, she was also in some winners like Six Feet Under, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and Ugly Betty.
Her most surprising role was that of Ben Franklin's lover in Funny or Die's Drunk History volume 2.5. Drunk History is basically when they get somebody really drunk, have them describe a historical event, and then match up this narration to popular actors reenacting the event. For example, Ben Franklin was played by Jack Black. I'd include that video here, but there are a few graphic vomit scenes that no one needs to see.
She's also in a Switchfoot video, the movie Red Eye, and a strange (I'm assuming satirical) trailer for something called The Night Hikers, but she's adorable in all of them.
IS THERE ANY ROLE YOU'VE TAKEN THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO HUG YOU AND BUY A KITTEN POSTER, JAYMA?
Alas, the following video is the ONLY thing I could find in which she's not a rainbow of unicorn love. And that's really only because it's in black and white.
BONUS VIDEO that I'd like to title Adorable Rocker: Jayma Mays, let's be besties.
(Yes, that's Buster from Arrested Development.)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
In trying to figure out what Lalaine has been up to post-Lizzie McGuire, I learned the following things:
Lalaine starred in an unaired Lizzie McGuire spin-off called What's Stevie Thinking? which was about Miranda's younger sister.
Lalaine got busted in 2007 for possession of meth. How rude.
Lalaine has a small role in the film Easy A, to be released in 2010. Others stars include Emma Stone, Cam Gigandet (Volchok), Amanda Bynes, Penn Badgley, Lisa Kudrow, and Aly Michalka.
She played Kate in the Carol Burnett version of Annie- you know, the youngest girl. Don't believe me? See for yourself. P.S. Don't expect Jay-Z to show up...he never performs until the last ten minutes of the night.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I bet you've been wondering, What has Erik Von Detten being up to since Lifetime Movie Girl Posi+ive? Apparently, he's been working on this video, which probably took two years with all the costume changes. Seriously, Jessie James, your video lacks continuity, and if you can see your pockets through the bottom of your shorts, they are officially too short.
That probably melted off your face, but if not, here's a quality desert music video. Did I already post this? I hope so.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I don't know why I don't like Scarlett Johansson. I loved her in Ghost World and Lost in Translation. Apparently, she was also in North, an all-time favorite, and she's been in a couple Woody Allen movies (love him). Perhaps it's because of The Nanny Diaries or He's Just Not That Into You (double barf). Or maybe that one Justin Timberlake music video. Whatever the reason, I just don't like her. And she's definitely not good enough for Ryan Reynolds.
And now she's got this singing career- she covered a Tom Waits song a while back and now she's teaming up with Pete Yorn- and I'm torn. Part of me hates her She & Him copycatting (quasi-hipster boy-girl crooning duo), and the other part of me can't stop listening to this catchy ditty. Decide for yourself while the sepia tones melt my icy heart.
If the video doesn't work for you, go to http://www.thebreakupalbum.com/.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Neil Patrick Harris will host the Primetime Emmys on Sunday, September 20th on CBS. Regarding the ceremony, he says:
I'm looking forward to the challenge of the show – adding my own voice to it, while honoring the nominees and the entire year in television. But which voice to choose? I'm torn between gangsta, foppish brit, and robot. Really proud of my robot. We'll see what happens on the night.
Also, here's a picture of him with some birds. What up.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
After a summer of craptastic television (example: Legally Blondes), I am more than excited for the new fall programs. Here's a rundown of what's up.
Glee - If I had a job, and that job had a water cooler, this show is what would be discussed in the immediate vicinity of this hypothetical water cooler. Also, I love that Jane Lynch is doing all the promotion for this show. tonight, 9/9 on FOX at 9/8c
Community - The guy from The Soup being less of a douche + Chevy Chase + the British guy from The Daily Show + community college = hilarity. 9/17 on NBC at 9:30/8:30c
The Middle - A sitcom about middle class suburbia that pits my hatred for Patricia Heaton against my love for The Janitor, ahem, Neil Flynn. My indecision gets them at least one episode. 9/30 on ABC at 8:30/7:30c
Accidentally on Purpose - Even though this show is jam-packed with all the greatest stuff in the world, it probably won't last more than 5 episodes. Said stuff includes Jenna Elfman (whose character is named Billie and is a movie critic and therefore compares everything to the world of cinema), the chick from Extras, and Jon Foster*. 9/21 on CBS at 8:30/7:30c
*Holy crap. I just realized that Jon Foster is not the actor from Get Over It but is instead his younger brother. Hear that? It's the sound of my world shattering.
Mercy - I've had one too many hospital shows, but I will give this one a shot. This singular chance is based on the presence of Michelle Trachtenberg, but if the show sucks, I'll turn on it faster than Harriet the Spy's friends turned on her when they read her diary...and then threw paint on her. 9/23 on NBC at 8/7c
Cougar Town - Okay, I know this show should be in the sub-basement area of the YES, MAYBE, NO category system. However, if you ignore the use of the term "cougar" and the similarities it shares with that awful Debra Messing Lifetime miniseries bullcrap, it seems...well, funny. It's like Drunk Monica meets Liz Lemon in 6 years with best friend Busy Philipps. Sounds like a perfect recipe. 9/23 on ABC at 9:30/8:30c
Vampire Diaries - And by NO, I mean this show is going to suck, but I'll probably still watch it anyway. Teen angst, vampires, and love triangles are okay separately, but together, they form a boring, overdone trifecta of fail. 9/10 on the CW at 8/7c
Trauma - This show was way better when it was called In A Heartbeat. 9/28 on NBC at 9/8c
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Over the past 5 years or so, The Real World has transformed from an innovative look at the lives of young adults- their problems, relationships, and prejudices- into an opportunity for attractive young people to get drunk and sleep with each other. Of course, only those prone to confrontation and overreaction need apply. However, through these last painful seasons, there have existed a few shining beacons of hope. I'm talking about the funny guys. These few gentlemen provided the sole moments of entertainment and for that they deserve our applause.
(Disclaimer: Funny guys of the RW also tend to be dicks. But I suppose it's better to be a funny dick than just a dick.)
Isaac - Real World: Sydney
Isaac had so many crazy stories that I thought that he was lying 90% of the time. Mr. Internet assures me that he was not, and that he did in fact rob a bunch of houses, light fireworks into someone's house, and do LSD, causing him to have hallucinations about birds. He also took a nude dip in the house's aquarium, probably killing most of the fish.
Ryan - Real World: Brooklyn
Ryan made the oversized cowboy hat cool before Spencer Pratt realized he could make a lot of money by living up to his last name. Ryan's other costume pieces included an Uncle Sam costume and a brown suit with a handlebar mustache (because he didn't have anything "nice" to wear to a private party). He also delighted us with his musical critiques of his roommates, possibly outing Chet. [See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40ewSHaE730]
Bronne - Real World: Cancun
These guys tend to get bored easily, which accounts for their proclivity for pranking and, in Bronne's case, the production of a zombie movie filmed by and starring only himself. His boredom actually stemmed from being alone all the time, as he was kicked out of the house for throwing a fire extinguisher off of the house balcony.
These are only the most recent funny guys. Earlier funny guys include Mike "the Miz" Mizanin, and Frank from Las Vegas (but really only in comparison to his roommates, whose senses of humor were extracted at birth and replaced with outrageously high libidos...which made for awkward childhoods).
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
*Sigh* Where do I begin? If you had let your children watch television, I'm sure one of them would have told you that eight is enough. Or perhaps that a dozen children is surprisingly not cheaper. Or that even if you have ten kids, your new husband has eight kids, AND you live in a lighthouse, your art room will still get all messed up. My point here, dear Duggars, is that you have surpassed the requirements for an entertaining sitcom, a lighthearted family romp, or an interesting documentary-style show on multiples. You are now veering dangerously close to a Monty Python sketch, and I'm not talking about the lumberjack one (even though you did build your house by yourself). So, please consider stopping at 19. 19 children is plenty, and plus, that's a lot of kids to keep track of if the Nazis decide to run you out of your home in the Swiss Alps because Jim Bob won't join the army.
All my love,
I couldn't NOT include this.