Saturday, September 26, 2009

Say it. Out loud, say it. VAMPIRE.

We all know the vampire trend should have died four months ago. But, because there are three more installments of the Twilight series that tons of people will shell out eight bucks to see in the theatre (myself regrettably included), the popularity of vampires is here to stay for at least a few years. I know this probably makes you want to crawl into your bomb shelter and learn to dance with Brendan Fraser and Christopher Walken, but you simply can't avoid this whole vampire phase we're all going through. So, I'm going to briefly summarize what's going on in the vampire world so that- at the very least- you can mock others in an informed manner.

I will also rate them in a very confusing but totally witty manner. The rating scale will consist of 1 to 5 vampire fangs, 1 being the least sucky and 5 sucking the most.

Twilight - 4 fangs
New Moon in a nutshell: Bella, depressed, suicidal, and with more orgasmic writhing. Jacob Black, being all Ryan Atwood-y. The worst break-up since Fatal Attraction, with some Italy and Dakota Fanning. (P.S. I had a dream about a year ago that Dakota Fanning was trying to kill me which clearly means that I'm as psychic as Alice.)

The Vampire Diaries - 5 fangs
I did watch the first episode of The Vampire Diaries, and I'm not sure I can fully describe its suckitude to you here now. It was Twilight, exactly Twilight, but with swirl of teen drama that I can't stomach unless its straight out of the mid-90s WB. Basic plot: Already depressed girl with two friends, one blonde and perky, the other a minority and genuine, falls for vampire who doesn't suck the blood of humans. Main girl also has psychic friend and a blonde guy who's in love with her. Rival vampire arrives, breaks window. Angst.

Proof that vampires don't know how to deal with confrontation about their color-changing eyes...
Watch from 2:45 to 2:57.

...and that these two are exactly the same.
Watch from 4:03 to the end.

Let the Right One In - 1 fang
A Swedish horror flick based on a novel that is actually quite scary. Puts a new spin on bullying and Rubik's Cubes. Also a great choice for Halloween (I know its a bit early to think about Halloween, but ABC Family is already showing commercials for 13 Days of Halloween- apparently it's "days" now and not "nights"- so, I feel that my comment is appropriate).

The Vampire's Assistant - 2 fangs
The Vampire's Assistant is a new movie based on a book about a bored 16-year-old who goes to a traveling freak show and becomes, surprise surprise, a vampire's assistant. Although my trust in John C. Reilly's acting choices was officially shattered after watching Step Brothers, this movie looks intriguing. It's got a Tim Burton style that seems to focus on the grotesque rather than the sparkly bloodsuckers. SO in.

Transylmania - 5 fangs
Although not written, produced, or directed by the Wayans brothers, Transylmania looks like it was taken straight out of the Scary Movie-Dance Flick genre. (Also, did you know that Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Disaster Movie were NOT done by the Wayans brothers?) This movie appears to be more painful than that time I went to see Scary Movie 3 on a date. True story.

True Blood - 2 fangs
Unfortunately, I'm no longer nannying for my cousins who have HBO, and therefore I have not kept up with True Blood. But hello, its got Anna Paquin. What else could you ask for except maybe a dream to fly south with the geese that you raised (and freaked out about when they almost had their wings clipped) in an aircraft that you and your dad built that was painted to look like a giant goose?

Vampire Weekend - 5 fangs
Indie pop rock band that actually has nothing to do with vampires and therefore has made the best use of the vampire trend. Also, what I like to dub the 48 hours after I bought the Twilight dvd.

If you'd like to help a vampire in your community, please visit

If you'd like to fully understand this blog post, please watch a little of The O.C. and all of Blast from the Past and Fly Away Home.

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