Sunday, January 3, 2010

Maybe This Year Will Be Better Than The Last

(The only post titles I could think of were sappy, my life sucked this year songs.)

Normally, I'm not much for New Year's resolutions. However, I feel there are some things need to be resolved in the world in general this year. Alas, I have created a few resolutions.

1. (For advertisers) I will not butcher the English language to satisfy my own advertising needs.

Listen up. I could handle it with a cringe and a smile when you started spelling "judgment" with an extra 'e' because MAYBE you're British. I could stand it when you started using "funner" and "funnest" (I'm looking at you, Apple) because I SUPPOSE it could be considered a natural slang progression of language. And I was able to hang on to the steep cliff that is my gag reflex when you started to add extra accents to the ends of words to make them French (Really? Cubiclé? No wonder the French hate us and feed us snails).

But I simply cannot take you taking a machete to the dictionary when you sit in your office thinking, Hmm, I can't decide between this word and that word. Let's just combine them! That worked with pb and j's and blt's (pretty much all of your acronymic sandwiches). It will NOT work with words.

Now let me clarify. I'm not talking about making up a name for your brand new product that's going to revolutionize the way we shave our legs or something. For all I care, you can try to sell me SUPER-ROBOBOOKMARKITIS to wash my face. It's when you make up random shit on the way. For example...

glambition, maxxinista, wowerful,
supermodelquins, rockstare, unthink,

These are some of the more pervasive ones, but keep an eye out. They're everywhere.
And, yes, I blame you, Snickers.

2. (For television executives) I will stop releasing hand-me-down television programs.

Enough's enough. Stop giving me your older sister's tv shows that she wore to her prom eight years ago. She didn't even like it then; her mom made her wear it.

Please, no more television programs in which crimes are solved with the help of people not usually involved in the crime-solving process. This includes mathematicians, psychics, fake psychics, people with obsessive compulsive disorder, mentalists, people who can tell when other people are lying (which is what I thought a mentalist was, but whatever), novelists, people who can bring other people back to life, etc.

Also, no more reality competition shows. So, you think you can sing by yourself, sing in a group, dance by yourself, dance in a group, dance with a celebrity, create your own fashion line with no experience, or create your own fashion line with some experience? I DON'T CARE.

3. (For movie executives) I will stop trying to make vampires happen. They're not going to happen.

We did the zombie thing, the spy thing, the pirate thing, the superhero thing, and now the vampire thing. They're done. Get over it. If you're still making movies about vampires (exception: the FOURTH- not third- Twilight movie, y'know, cause that's when they finally do it), you're too late. Vampire trend, go out with some dignity. I know you probably can't top Pirate Trend's grand finale of REAL PIRATES, but I see no need to play you off with Oscar music.

1 comment:

  1. Don't forget how punctuation is improperly used in advertising either. What the hell are they putting in something called a "Real" Fruit Smoothie? No sarcasm.