You're tacky, and I hate you.

Let's get right down to business.

REASONS I HATE THIS MOVIE:

Strike 1:

I'm sorry, did they kill off Christina Hendricks in the first twenty minutes? Frickin' really? Unless you intend to bring her back through a series of hallucinations that are caused by your brain tumor, I'm not interested.

Strike 2:

Life As We Know It? ARE YOU SERIOUS? Oh, for a second there, I got you confused with the late eighties family dramedy with the girl from The Face on the Milk Carton movie and the boy that had Down syndrome. No? Then you must be the Angelina Jolie movie where she plays a reporter who has a week to live, according to a homeless Tony Shalhoub. STILL NO? Then you must be the 2004 high school TV drama with Kelly Osbourne and Piz from Veronica Mars? NOT THAT ONE EITHER? OH, THEN YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BE THE ONE WITH THE MOST UNORIGINAL, NONDESCRIPTIVE, AND OVERUSED TITLE EVER CREATED? Yes, that's the one.

Strike 3:

Let's do a little plot summary:

1. Relative dies and leaves single person(s) with child. Enter bodily function-related shenanigans. Single person(s) becomes slightly less selfish, slightly more responsible. Child(ren) become at peace with their parent(s) death and completely well-adjusted in the course of an hour and forty minutes.

2. ALSO, Two hot people who hate each other are forced to spend time with one another due to unlikely circumstances. Hot Woman is high-strung and uppity, while Hot Man is the perpetual man-child bachelor. Hot Man points out Hot Woman's fatal flaw, about which she has been in denial for, oh, say 28 years. Hot Woman realizes Hot Man is not such a bad guy after all. Kiss kiss, bang bang.

Now, let's make lists.

1.

Raising Helen

Baby Boom

No Reservations

Summerland

2.

27 Dresses

The Proposal

Runaway Bride

Sweet Home Alabama

Two Weeks Notice

Music and Lyrics

...every other movie ever...

Bonus Strike 4:

Your typography sucks. But I'll get to that one later.

In case I wasn't clear, the chances of me paying $9.00 to see this movie is just about even with the chances that Sonny Bono will rise from the dead, tell me that he's really into bigamy and time machines now- he's been watching a lot of TLC- and he wants to bring me back to 1970 to be both his and Cher's wife. Of course, Cher will give birth to Winona Ryder, I'll give birth to Christina Ricci, and then we'll paint our bedrooms and have a dance party.

MFEO

Yeah, I'm really excited for this.

You mean it's not like this? I EXPECT an Alyson Hannigan cameo, damn it!

Suit Up! with Amy Poehler

Amy Poehler hosting Saturday Night Live on Saturday, September 25, 2010.

There's going to be a Jesse Bradford teeth-brushing scene, right? RIGHT?

So, you saw the commercial for Hellcats, and you're thinking, hmm, I can't stand rich people or vampires, but I like bare midriffs. Maybe this show's for me! Let's take a look.

This is Marti. She's a badass, and we know from her constant bike-riding that she's poor. Also, because she said, " I ride my bike everywhere because these are tough times. Money's tight for me and my mom."

This is her alcoholic mom. We know that she's an alcoholic because of the bottles of booze behind her, and we know she's Marti's mom because they have the same hairstyle.

This is Ashley Tisdale's character whose name is not important because I'm just going to call her Sharpay. Sharpay and Marti don't get along at first, and Sharpay calls Marti "goth." Not only is this insult incredibly outdated, it's also inaccurate as Marti's style is technically classified as, "Britta from Community."

To practice for cheerleading tryouts, Marti pops in Bring It On for inspiration. Bring It On was also used for inspiration by the writers of Hellcats who wanted to practice getting sued for straight-up plot plagiarism.

Marti wows the judges at tryouts when she starts dancing like a crazy person. It's obvious that she's different from all the other candidates because of her sweet moves and her curly hair.

These are the kind of moves she busts. HELLCATSSSS.

This was actually pretty cool. If you can't tell, she's doing a handstand with her legs crossed facing the camera. And then she does an insane ass-out upside-down stomach crunch (technical term). Chances that Nastia Liukin is her tumbling double? Likely.

This is Marti's new love interest. Props to both Ashley Tisdale and Aly Michalka for graduating from Disney to a show that entertains the possibility of an interracial couple.

But wait! This is Marti's townie best friend. We know he's a townie because he's wearing flannel and works at "the docks"- I shit you not. We also know that, if he's not currently in love with Marti, he will realize that their lifelong friendship has quickly blossomed into a one-sided infatuation once he sees- and consequently feels threatened by- above hottie. How do we know all this? Duh, he's holding a camera. Also, Duckie over here practically said "Stay gold, Ponyboy" to her when she joined the squad. Seriously, dude?

So, let's recap. Marti's a badass. This is clear from her black nail polish, guitar-shaped luggage, and her could-be-a-boy's-name name. Oh, she also leans on trees. We've got a regular Jess Mariano on our hands here.

Let's face it, this show is probably for you. Especially if you like betting on how soon A.J. Michalka is going to make a cameo. And winning.

Jayma Mays Adorability Factor Update

Still totally adorable. With added bonus, mulletastic Greek god, John Stamos.

Tears and Laughter: The Biopic Casting Story

Like actors love an easy Oscar, Hollywood loves its biopics. With none of that silly plot stuff to come up with, biopics seem to be whipped up and shipped out faster than it takes you to properly pronounce "Joaquin Phoenix." The latest biopic (expected in 2012)- with by far the most ill-suited casting- is Janis Joplin: Get It While You Can, starring Amy Adams. And, after the initial mourning period caused by the realization that Joplin won't be played by Jenna Maroney, I got to thinking, Wow, I could cast better than that, and by Cher, I'm going to.

1. THE OBVIOUS.

I personally believe that the film industry took a big hit last year with the loss of actor Patrick Swayze. His contributions to film and television over the past 30 years should be commemorated in a biopic I've titled The Outsider: The Patrick Swayze Story starring...Neil Patrick Harris. NPH is perfect for this role- he can sing, he can dance, and he can certainly star in the Broadway version of Grease.

And, I mean, HELLO...

2. THE OBLIGATORY MUSICIAN WITH DRUG PROBLEMS.

Do you know who Chet Baker is? He sang My Funny Valentine? No? Well, he was a popular jazz singer and trumpet player in the 1950's. Oh yeah, and he was amazing and addicted to heroin. Also, he got kicked out of a few countries, got the shit beat out of him in San Francisco, and had to relearn how to play the trumpet with dentures. No bigs.

I'm thinking we need a big name to really get the preteen fangirls interested. Good thing Penn Badgley happens to be his doppelganger.

3. THE "IT TOOK ME MONTHS OF INTENSIVE TRAINING TO PLAY THIS PART."

Now, this is a tough one because Shari Lewis is close to my heart. Host and puppeteer of Lamb Chop's Play-Along, Lewis was a remarkable ventriloquist and a fantastic performer. She passed away in 1998, and I'm calling for the remembrance of her legacy through a biopic starring, get this, Debra Messing. Yes, it will be a lot of work on Messing's part, but anything that lessens her association with The Starter Wife would be totally worth it.

The first two minutes of this are astounding.

And Debra Messing with puppets:

4. CHALLENGE EXTENDED.

Alright, we'll keep this going with the children's performers genre. My final biopic choice is Mr. Fred Rogers. Mr. Rogers' show was a massive contribution to educational children's television, and, well, you might to sit down and put your hand underneath your jaw for support for my final choice. I want Dax Shepard to portray him in this hypothetical biopic. He hasn't always played the admirable authority figure, but, hey, he was on Bonnie Hunt's sitcom, so that's gotta earn him some points. And yes, this is just a challenge extended from me to him to see if he's truly worthy of Veronica Mars', damnit, I mean Kristen Bell's, hand in marriage. Check it.