Wednesday, September 29, 2010

You're tacky, and I hate you.

Let's get right down to business.


Strike 1:

I'm sorry, did they kill off Christina Hendricks in the first twenty minutes? Frickin' really? Unless you intend to bring her back through a series of hallucinations that are caused by your brain tumor, I'm not interested.

Strike 2:

Life As We Know It? ARE YOU SERIOUS? Oh, for a second there, I got you confused with the late eighties family dramedy with the girl from The Face on the Milk Carton movie and the boy that had Down syndrome. No? Then you must be the Angelina Jolie movie where she plays a reporter who has a week to live, according to a homeless Tony Shalhoub. STILL NO? Then you must be the 2004 high school TV drama with Kelly Osbourne and Piz from Veronica Mars? NOT THAT ONE EITHER? OH, THEN YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BE THE ONE WITH THE MOST UNORIGINAL, NONDESCRIPTIVE, AND OVERUSED TITLE EVER CREATED? Yes, that's the one.

Strike 3:

Let's do a little plot summary:
1. Relative dies and leaves single person(s) with child. Enter bodily function-related shenanigans. Single person(s) becomes slightly less selfish, slightly more responsible. Child(ren) become at peace with their parent(s) death and completely well-adjusted in the course of an hour and forty minutes.
2. ALSO, Two hot people who hate each other are forced to spend time with one another due to unlikely circumstances. Hot Woman is high-strung and uppity, while Hot Man is the perpetual man-child bachelor. Hot Man points out Hot Woman's fatal flaw, about which she has been in denial for, oh, say 28 years. Hot Woman realizes Hot Man is not such a bad guy after all. Kiss kiss, bang bang.

Now, let's make lists.

Raising Helen
Baby Boom
No Reservations

27 Dresses
The Proposal
Runaway Bride
Sweet Home Alabama
Two Weeks Notice
Music and Lyrics
...every other movie ever...

Bonus Strike 4:

Your typography sucks. But I'll get to that one later.

In case I wasn't clear, the chances of me paying $9.00 to see this movie is just about even with the chances that Sonny Bono will rise from the dead, tell me that he's really into bigamy and time machines now- he's been watching a lot of TLC- and he wants to bring me back to 1970 to be both his and Cher's wife. Of course, Cher will give birth to Winona Ryder, I'll give birth to Christina Ricci, and then we'll paint our bedrooms and have a dance party.

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