I Hate Your Big Dumb Combat Boots

I know you're feeling old these days what with graduating from college, not having a job, and realizing that 10 Things I Hate About You was made ten years ago.  Oh, just me?  Okay, cool.  Well, anyway, the people at ABC Family have decided to help us all out by making a tv version of 10 Things I Hate About You.  Yep.  No joke.

Here's a run-down of the cast:

Kat- played by the the girl from a show called Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide

Bianca- the bitchy girl from Camp Rock

Patrick- one of the French lovas from Mary-Kate and Ashley's Paris movie

Chastity (aka "I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?")- the bff from Prom Night

 

And the only saving grace of this program...Kat and Bianca's dad will be played by the same guy who played him in the movie.  Unfortunately, his presence will probably just be a constant reminder that this show is a sub-par knockoff of a teen classic.

Laura's guide to saving this show:

1.   Mention Bogie Lowenstein ALL THE TIME.

2.  Get the guy who played Michael Bernstein, David Krumholtz, aka the guy from Numb3rs, to come back as a teacher.  And Alison Janney.  And the English teacher, Mr. Morgan.  And then the rest of the cast to come back...and play themselves.

3.  Have every episode end in Bianca punching people, and then in the series finale, Larisa Oleynik should punch everybody and yell, "This one's for my sister!  This one's for Shakespeare!  This one's for ruining the one thing besides Alex Mack that people remember me for!"

I'll leave you with this.

Patrick: Well maybe you're not afraid of me but I'm sure you've thought about

 me naked, huh? 
Kat Stratford: Am I that transparent? I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby. 

Clip of the Weekend

There's a Jon and Kate Plus 8 marathon on right now...

Start at 7:42.  Poor Alexis.

Clip of the Day

TGIF, am I right?

I just learned how to embed clips...so this blog has officially deteriorated into a hodge-podge of ridiculous videos.  Got a problem?  Take it up with Pippi.

Clip of the Day

Play from 3:38.

Uncredited Consultant: Jacob Black

Imagine this:

Judy Greer as essentially the same character she played in 13 Going On 30,

Portia de Rossi as a fortune teller,

a Cher wax figure,

Milo Ventimiglia as a gay bully,

Scott Baio as HIMSELF,

Mya and Shannon Elizabeth dying gruesome, painful deaths,

a Lance Bass cameo,

Christina Ricci as Craig Kilborn's assistant,

Joshua Jackson as the only person my dad recognized while watching this (Oh, he was in Dawson's Creek!),

oh yeah, and WEREWOLVES.

This is no joke.  Actually, the movie itself is kindof a joke, but it really exists, and it's called Cursed.  It's essentially an extended version of that Boy Meets World episode where Cory thinks he's a werewolf, except about half the main characters actually are werewolves...because they all sleep around.  But don't worry!  Werewolves get spider senses and pretty much everything else Spiderman gets (walking on the ceiling, super strength) along with all that fur.  If you're not convinced that this is the best cinematic endeavor in existence, here are some QUOTES.

Joanie: Why do men always go for the tortured ones? Poor, damaged Ellie. 

Ellie: [hits Joanie in face with brick] Fuck you!

Ellie: You're a monster! 

Jake: Join the club. 

Zela: Don't let this get up fool you; I have the gift. I blame my mother. 

Joanie: I guess there's no such thing as safe sex with a werewolf.  

there is something wrong with this picture...

It's hard to tell from the photo, but the name of this particular nail polish shade is "bamboo shoot."  Confession:  Ninety percent of the reason I bought this nail polish yesterday was because I found the name genuinely disturbing.  The other ten percent was so that my mother wouldn't yell at me for having black nails at my graduation.

No, Sir, I Don't Mean Maybe...Yes, Sir, That's My Baby

I know this is very Greg Kinnear in You've Got Mail, but I just got a new computer, and my emotions can only be expressed in the form of a poem.

From the moment I saw you I knew

nothing would ever be the same.

I'll take this time to confess to you

the love that dare not speak its name.

I'll admit you've made me much happier

than any fling or ex-boyfriend.

I know this just seems to get sappier,

but to me, you're more than a toy, Friend.

In a box I brought you back home 

and named you my little Tess Top,

and now I am writing this poem,

cause you dominate my old desktop.

They can all mock and say mean things like,

"This perversion makes me want to hurl!"

But, guess what, they can all take a hike,

cause in my eyes it's just mac plus girl.

It's ecstasy, it's pure joy, it's bliss.

It's sweet and lovely perfection.

I know that there's much more to this

than simply a wireless connection.

This love is no ruse, not a con,

and you won't ever say, "I wasn't listening, what hun?"

and all I have to do to turn you on

is just press your power button.

Why do you precede everything with "i"?

like me, you must be a narcissist.

I go for a lay-up to break the tie

and you're right there with the assist.

I'm not sure if you noticed?

but I successfully referenced sports!

And even as I wrote this,

I'm dreaming bout your usb ports.

You and me and candlelight,

some wine and calimari,

your monitor is oh so bright

as I open up Safari.

The rest of this poem will be put on hold so I can go make out with my computer while I listen to some Eagle Eye Cherry.

P.S.  I would like to apologize to iambic pentameter and sports fans everywhere.