Because You All Wanted To Learn More About Kristen Stewart

When I first saw Twilight, I thought that Kristen Stewart had been plucked out of obscurity and thrown on the screen, and that this was one of the reasons she is so painfully awkward in interviews.  However, since that first viewing, I have seen OMGBELLA in a handful of movies she made pre-Twilight.

And this is when I realized that all of her other roles have just been preparing her for Twilight.  She would not be the cough-actress-cough she is today without these other films.  

Let's take a look:

1.  OMGBELLA is always the new kid.  She only goes to science classes.  Her lab partners are always her soulmates.  Watch up until 0:37.

2.  OMGBELLA is always awkward, but you should see her squirm when she talks to her dad, especially about boys.  Oh yeah, her dad's always a way more likable character.  Watch from 5:16 to 5:45.  Watch for an extra fifteen seconds to hear her dad quote High School Musical.

3.  OMGBELLA loves to hang out in a tanktop and undies.  But really, what teenage girl doesn't???  Her second favorite thing to do?  Get sexually rejected by an older guy.

4.  I don't know if you know this, but writhing around on the floor in the appropriate manner takes practice.  In Panic Room, OMGBELLA's character has a seizure, and she teaches us all the important difference between seizing due to lack of insulin and seizing due to vampire bite: how much you look like you're having an orgasm.  Watch from 3:59 to 4:48.

and just so you can see what I'm talking about...

2:27 all the way to 5:17.

Clips of the Day: Or How Not to Make Someone a Vampire

So, I don't know if you watched the MTV Movie Awards tonight, but, as expected, Twilight really cleaned up.  Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart won the award for Best Kiss, and we all expected them to reenact their memorable ten-minutes-before-our-lips-actually-touch smooch.  They started to...and then STOPPED.  What?  Were you afraid Robert was gonna throw you across the room because he's "not strong enough"?  GAH.  Here's a clip.  Start at 3:05. (If you look closely Sandra Bullock actually gets more action with Kristen Stewart than Robert Pattinson does.)

And now, here's how the pros do it.  Take note, awkie bloodsuckers.  Lindsay Lohan loves it.  The Duff sisters love it.  Hilary Swank loves it.  And who's to argue with that power foursome?

Clip of the Day

Start at 0:26.

Blair Waldorf, emotionally ripped apart by Sting lyrics.

Clip of the Day

Why am I so obsessed with this commercial?  Oh yeah, because of that giant swing.

My Baby's A Life-Ruiner. She Ruins People's Lives.

ABC Family has a secret, and it's Lindsay Lohan.  While they've been promoting the crap out of their 10 Things I Hate About You knock-off, you have to go freaking spelunking on their website to discover Labor Pains, a new movie starring none other than our own Cady Heron.

Description:

Thea Clayhill (Lindsay Lohan) is about to lose her position as secretary to a very cranky publisher (Chris Parnell) - so she lies about being pregnant to save her job.  It works, but now what?

With help from a friend (Cheryl Hines) - and a pillow - Thea fakes a pregnancy while she figures out what to do next.  But in the meantime, her boss gets called out of town and his cute brother Nick (Luke Kirby) takes over.  Nick launches a new parenting division at the publishing company, and he wants Thea to be the editor.  Suddenly she gets a raise and a promotion.  And pretty soon she begins to like her new life - not to mention Nick - a lot.

But how long can Thea keep up this ruse?  And what will happen when everyone learns the truth?

Thea, to answer your last two questions, nine months and you will get fired.

Okay, so first of all, this movie DOES get points for having Chris Parnell.  However...

A.  A pillow is not going to help you unless you plan on having a fictional rectangular baby.  This plot is flimsy, but the laws of baby shape are not.

B.  How would a twenty-something secretary having her first baby be in any way qualified to be a big-time editor for a parenting division of a publishing company?  Sounds like something off The Hills, my friends.

I have a strong feeling that this movie will be awful, and I will love it.  

Epilogue:

THE LAWS OF BABY SHAPE

1.  Babies aren't rectangular.

2.  Babies aren't duodecahedrons.

These laws are valid and binding in the following states: AL, AK, CA, FL, GA, IL, IN, MO, MS, NH, TX, and WY 

shut up! with mayim bialik.

Okay.  So I actually learned about this from one of our MOST FAITHFUL BLOG FOLLOWERS (which doesn't take much, as ex-Roommate and I aren't even faithful blog followers), but tomorrow, Friday, May 29, at 8 p.m. central time, is the season premiere of What Not to Wear, easily the best reality show on television, featuring Joey Lawrence's little sister herself, BLOSSOM.

                

Now, if any of you watch those Where Are They Now?-type shows on VH1 and other VH1-type stations, you'd know that Mayim Bialik, the Blossom in question, is now a chemist ... or something science-y.  Either way, we know that she's no longer tapping (Beaches ... always Beaches).

             

                  

So anyway, I'll be watching.  As should all of you, because it's summer, and so it's completely allowable to stay in on a Friday evening and watch What Not to Wear.  Totally.  

            

In other news, I definitely rocked the Blossom-esque hats for most of my young childhood.  Anyone else?  I had a huge collection and distinctly remember wearing them to many a grade school basketball game of my big brother.

fall into the gap.

I have an unnatural obsession with Gap commercials.  It's true ... Gap commercials are what convinced me to buy their "Boyfriend khakis," overlooking the fact that they're exactly the same thing as the Gap khakis I already owned, but, like, a size bigger.  More specifically, Patrick Wilson in a Gap commercial convinced me to buy them.  

                 

So what better place to begin this series of reasonably-priced trips down the memory lane of advertising than with Claire Danes and Patrick Wilson, Annie Get Your Gun style.  You may remember these two crazy kids from their co-starring roles in Evening.  Fun fact:  Hugh Dancy in Evening, totally screwed over by this ill-fated love affair.  Hugh Dancy in (his so-called) real life? Engaged to Claire Danes.