A Statistical Analysis of Lost: You Will Probably Get Shot and Die

(LOST SPOILER ALERT, but at this point, really?)

I just finished the sixth and final season of Lost, and I've put together a little statistical analysis to guide you in case you ever happen to crash land on a magical, constantly moving island that houses the light that is in all humans (sidenote: how very Quaker of you, Island).

(Disclaimer: The first three statistics are based on characters appearing in 50 episodes or more, not including children, Vincent the dog, or the pregnant women [Stick with them- at worst, their hands get cut from clenching their fists so hard. Seriously.] All of this violence happens on the island or in surrounding waters and does not include the first eight episodes. Accuracy is dependent on the amount of wine consumed while watching each episode...which is unable to be determined at this point.)

• During your stay on the island, you will be kicked twice, hit with a blunt object- probably the butt of a rifle- three times, and punched an average of eight times.
• You have a 52% percent chance of being shot and a 55% chance of dying.
• You have an 86% chance of being taken prisoner.
• If you appear in between ten and forty episodes, your chances of dying increase to 78%.
• Sawyer is the object of the most violent acts, having been punched 27 times, so stay away from him. Or, I suppose you could stay near him, and have (probably) Jack punch him instead of you.
• The amount of time you repeat the phrase, "Come on!" in addition to the rate of increase of volume while performing CPR is in direct relation to the probability of your subject regaining consciousness.
• If a language barrier exists, the probability of your message magically becoming understandable to the receiver of your message greatly increases with every repetition (and a proportional increase in volume) of your message.

I wouldn't worry though; the island also comes with magical healing powers (and the magical giving and taking away of language), just in case you get headbutted in the face, which is quite common.

Clip of the Day

Um, also in honor of the Lost series finale.

(Lots of spoilers)

I'm confused. Did Allison Janney stab somebody?

Clip of the Day

In honor of the series finale of Lost, I present to you...

Richard Alpert

Kathy Griffin as Kathy Griffin

Jess Mariano's dad

Sherri Shepherd

Eric Idle

and

Judd Nelson

in the series finale of Suddenly Susan.

Music Video Mathmatix: Your Love Is My Drug

Trippy cartoons about elephants.

+

Richie "The Baumer" Tenenbaum.

+

Spending too much time in the desert.

=

Her songs are catchy. Like herpes.

I have a dilemma. I was firmly anti-Ke$ha throughout the "Tik Tok" and "Blah Blah Blah" hoopla, but with the release of her new single, "Your Love Is My Drug," my hatred is wavering. Most of the time, she makes me want to Van Gogh my ears, but then something about her makes me change my mind.

Appearance:

Okay, she looks like the poster girl for Mugatu's Derelicte line, but she has freckles, and I can't loathe a bespeckled face, especially as I feel we are underrepresented in the film and music industries. This is also my excuse for having paid $8.50 to see I Know Who Killed Me in the theatres.

Spelling:

Ke$ha (pronounced Keh-sha and not Key-sha) is clearly too cool for s's or c's, but I'm not sure I can blame her. Her mother's name is Pebe (pronounced like PB & J), and I know about this clearly genetic flair for naming eccentricity because they were featured in an episode of The Simple Life. Really.

Video Evidence:

Most of the time when I watch her videos, I'm pretty sure I'm actually just watching clips from Music and Lyrics...

But then I watch a clip like this- which actually makes more sense than her actual music videos- and I'm drawn back in...

Lyrics:

Okay, most of the time her lyrics don't make any sense, and even though I thoroughly detest the line, "Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack," I can't help but love ones like, "Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?" and "I like your beard."

And more things to like:

She organized a benefit concert for flood victims in Tennessee.

She once puked in Paris Hilton's closet, which, let's be honest, is probably bigger than most public bathrooms.

Final call, to love her or to hate her? I think that I'm going to stick with detesting her, at least until she reveals herself to be the lost Olsen twin (well, triplet). Hatred, with a side of listening to "Your Love Is My Drug" on repeat.

Remember the episode with all the TAB?

The Sarah Silverman Program has been officially cancelled. I present to you a clip from when Sarah and her dad went on tour as a Lisa Loeb cover band, the Loebtrotters.

I don't know, Halloween H20: 20 Years Later was pretty original...

I mentioned in my last post that finding an original plot at the movie theater is like, to quote Cher Horowitz, "finding meaning in a Pauly Shore movie." Well, now I've got proof. I found an article on the Times Online that lists the 50 biggest movies of 2010, or "the movies most likely to dominate the box-office charts this year."

Here's a breakdown of which of these 50 films present new plots and the sources from which the rest of the remakes draw their inspiration:

Keep in mind that exactly one third of the "original scripts" are part of a series, e.g. Shrek Forever After. That's a lot of expensive, recycled pie you're selling us, Hollywood.