Suit Up! with Mindy Kaling and Winona Ryder

Another double suit up day!

Mindy Kaling getting measured on The Ellen Degeneres Show.

Way to channel Johnny Depp AND rock the middle part, Winona. Love it.

Winona Ryder at the New York premiere of Black Swan held Tuesday, November 30, 2010.

It's time for a...

Anna and Josh Duggar are expecting a baby in June 2011. More good news: You can do Duggar puzzles here.

A Thorough List of Terms and Phrases Used by the Main Characters in the First Season of Dawson's Creek That Real 15-Year-Olds Would Never Use

theoretics

orgasmic

wet brain

disparaging

simp

apotheosis

with a heavy allegorical slant

overzealous

bluster

resuscitation of my sins

disengage this friendship

jurassic notion

fornicating

unredeemable

rectify my belligerent ways

apoplectic

elicit

cataclysmic

wanton

punitive

cockamamie

simpletons

incarceration

languishing somewhere in TV obscurity

blatant

statute of limitations on angst

youthful indiscretion

verbiage

carouse

residual

scholastically inept

buffoonery

blight

contrived

analyzing our sad little adolescent lives

This makes me very sad because two of these episodes with such easily-mocked dialogue were written by Rob Thomas, a.k.a. personally beloved Veronica Mars writer.

Also, a quick note:

The quality of filming of the first few episodes is horrific. Between the glaring positioning discrepancies between shots, visible microphones, and clearly audible shuffling of the crew during quiet heart-to-hearts, Dawson could actually do a better job.

I leave you with this fantastic quote.

"Have you realized it's been nearly two weeks since Jen and I broke up, and not once has she made an effort to get together?"

It's the millennium; motives are incidental.

"Right, but then Logan was getting way too into the gang wars,

and my dad kicked him out of the house, and then I started dating Duncan."

"Again?"

"Yeah. But what I didn't know is that he had knocked up his really

religious comatose girlfriend, and so he had to flee to Australia with the baby."

"Oh."

So pumped.

I kinda hope Neve Campbell dies in this one.

Also, Scream franchise, do you not remember that the film-class-to-explain-everything has been done before...by you? And, that one had Joshua Jackson. And Buffy.

Starts at 4:27.

I can't count the reasons I should stay.

In 2007, Gillian Jacobs (Community) and Anna Chlumsky (My Girl) were in a Mean Girls-esque play together. Above is the best photo ever. There's also a 13-minute long interview with them about the play (not worth watching), and this is where I learned that their names are pronounced GILLian (hard G) and CLumsky (silent H). FYI.

HOW TO: Create a chick flick movie poster in minutes!

1. A white background is essential. It symbolizes the vast abyss where a plot should be. Add a slight gradient if you're feeling dangerous, but be warned, cityscapes (Just Like Heaven, The Object of My Affection) and blurry whirlwinds of emotion (Forces of Nature, Serendipity) are really advanced stuff and not to be taken lightly. Like witchcraft.

2. Add protagonist(s) looking coy and flirty or shocked at love! Hands on the hips for extra sass.

OR

Add couple and position them in a way that's a metaphor for their relationship. Can't go wrong with a classic "back-to-back" or any other pose commonly found in prom pictures.

3. You're allowed one prop. It can be flowers, bags (purses and luggage included), or an animal.

4. Title that bitch up! Remember: the human heart is red and pumps 74 gallons of love per day; therefore, your text must be red or pink. Science.

5. The catchphrase is the most important part. Without it, how would the audience know that, "The only risk in taking an adventure is not taking it at all," and other things that don't make sense?

Ta-da! A perfect movie poster! One of a kind...of.

You're tacky, and I hate you.

Let's get right down to business.

REASONS I HATE THIS MOVIE:

Strike 1:

I'm sorry, did they kill off Christina Hendricks in the first twenty minutes? Frickin' really? Unless you intend to bring her back through a series of hallucinations that are caused by your brain tumor, I'm not interested.

Strike 2:

Life As We Know It? ARE YOU SERIOUS? Oh, for a second there, I got you confused with the late eighties family dramedy with the girl from The Face on the Milk Carton movie and the boy that had Down syndrome. No? Then you must be the Angelina Jolie movie where she plays a reporter who has a week to live, according to a homeless Tony Shalhoub. STILL NO? Then you must be the 2004 high school TV drama with Kelly Osbourne and Piz from Veronica Mars? NOT THAT ONE EITHER? OH, THEN YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BE THE ONE WITH THE MOST UNORIGINAL, NONDESCRIPTIVE, AND OVERUSED TITLE EVER CREATED? Yes, that's the one.

Strike 3:

Let's do a little plot summary:

1. Relative dies and leaves single person(s) with child. Enter bodily function-related shenanigans. Single person(s) becomes slightly less selfish, slightly more responsible. Child(ren) become at peace with their parent(s) death and completely well-adjusted in the course of an hour and forty minutes.

2. ALSO, Two hot people who hate each other are forced to spend time with one another due to unlikely circumstances. Hot Woman is high-strung and uppity, while Hot Man is the perpetual man-child bachelor. Hot Man points out Hot Woman's fatal flaw, about which she has been in denial for, oh, say 28 years. Hot Woman realizes Hot Man is not such a bad guy after all. Kiss kiss, bang bang.

Now, let's make lists.

1.

Raising Helen

Baby Boom

No Reservations

Summerland

2.

27 Dresses

The Proposal

Runaway Bride

Sweet Home Alabama

Two Weeks Notice

Music and Lyrics

...every other movie ever...

Bonus Strike 4:

Your typography sucks. But I'll get to that one later.

In case I wasn't clear, the chances of me paying $9.00 to see this movie is just about even with the chances that Sonny Bono will rise from the dead, tell me that he's really into bigamy and time machines now- he's been watching a lot of TLC- and he wants to bring me back to 1970 to be both his and Cher's wife. Of course, Cher will give birth to Winona Ryder, I'll give birth to Christina Ricci, and then we'll paint our bedrooms and have a dance party.

MFEO

Yeah, I'm really excited for this.

You mean it's not like this? I EXPECT an Alyson Hannigan cameo, damn it!

Suit Up! with Amy Poehler

Amy Poehler hosting Saturday Night Live on Saturday, September 25, 2010.

There's going to be a Jesse Bradford teeth-brushing scene, right? RIGHT?

So, you saw the commercial for Hellcats, and you're thinking, hmm, I can't stand rich people or vampires, but I like bare midriffs. Maybe this show's for me! Let's take a look.

This is Marti. She's a badass, and we know from her constant bike-riding that she's poor. Also, because she said, " I ride my bike everywhere because these are tough times. Money's tight for me and my mom."

This is her alcoholic mom. We know that she's an alcoholic because of the bottles of booze behind her, and we know she's Marti's mom because they have the same hairstyle.

This is Ashley Tisdale's character whose name is not important because I'm just going to call her Sharpay. Sharpay and Marti don't get along at first, and Sharpay calls Marti "goth." Not only is this insult incredibly outdated, it's also inaccurate as Marti's style is technically classified as, "Britta from Community."

To practice for cheerleading tryouts, Marti pops in Bring It On for inspiration. Bring It On was also used for inspiration by the writers of Hellcats who wanted to practice getting sued for straight-up plot plagiarism.

Marti wows the judges at tryouts when she starts dancing like a crazy person. It's obvious that she's different from all the other candidates because of her sweet moves and her curly hair.

These are the kind of moves she busts. HELLCATSSSS.

This was actually pretty cool. If you can't tell, she's doing a handstand with her legs crossed facing the camera. And then she does an insane ass-out upside-down stomach crunch (technical term). Chances that Nastia Liukin is her tumbling double? Likely.

This is Marti's new love interest. Props to both Ashley Tisdale and Aly Michalka for graduating from Disney to a show that entertains the possibility of an interracial couple.

But wait! This is Marti's townie best friend. We know he's a townie because he's wearing flannel and works at "the docks"- I shit you not. We also know that, if he's not currently in love with Marti, he will realize that their lifelong friendship has quickly blossomed into a one-sided infatuation once he sees- and consequently feels threatened by- above hottie. How do we know all this? Duh, he's holding a camera. Also, Duckie over here practically said "Stay gold, Ponyboy" to her when she joined the squad. Seriously, dude?

So, let's recap. Marti's a badass. This is clear from her black nail polish, guitar-shaped luggage, and her could-be-a-boy's-name name. Oh, she also leans on trees. We've got a regular Jess Mariano on our hands here.

Let's face it, this show is probably for you. Especially if you like betting on how soon A.J. Michalka is going to make a cameo. And winning.

Jayma Mays Adorability Factor Update

Still totally adorable. With added bonus, mulletastic Greek god, John Stamos.

Tears and Laughter: The Biopic Casting Story

Like actors love an easy Oscar, Hollywood loves its biopics. With none of that silly plot stuff to come up with, biopics seem to be whipped up and shipped out faster than it takes you to properly pronounce "Joaquin Phoenix." The latest biopic (expected in 2012)- with by far the most ill-suited casting- is Janis Joplin: Get It While You Can, starring Amy Adams. And, after the initial mourning period caused by the realization that Joplin won't be played by Jenna Maroney, I got to thinking, Wow, I could cast better than that, and by Cher, I'm going to.

1. THE OBVIOUS.

I personally believe that the film industry took a big hit last year with the loss of actor Patrick Swayze. His contributions to film and television over the past 30 years should be commemorated in a biopic I've titled The Outsider: The Patrick Swayze Story starring...Neil Patrick Harris. NPH is perfect for this role- he can sing, he can dance, and he can certainly star in the Broadway version of Grease.

And, I mean, HELLO...

2. THE OBLIGATORY MUSICIAN WITH DRUG PROBLEMS.

Do you know who Chet Baker is? He sang My Funny Valentine? No? Well, he was a popular jazz singer and trumpet player in the 1950's. Oh yeah, and he was amazing and addicted to heroin. Also, he got kicked out of a few countries, got the shit beat out of him in San Francisco, and had to relearn how to play the trumpet with dentures. No bigs.

I'm thinking we need a big name to really get the preteen fangirls interested. Good thing Penn Badgley happens to be his doppelganger.

3. THE "IT TOOK ME MONTHS OF INTENSIVE TRAINING TO PLAY THIS PART."

Now, this is a tough one because Shari Lewis is close to my heart. Host and puppeteer of Lamb Chop's Play-Along, Lewis was a remarkable ventriloquist and a fantastic performer. She passed away in 1998, and I'm calling for the remembrance of her legacy through a biopic starring, get this, Debra Messing. Yes, it will be a lot of work on Messing's part, but anything that lessens her association with The Starter Wife would be totally worth it.

The first two minutes of this are astounding.

And Debra Messing with puppets:

4. CHALLENGE EXTENDED.

Alright, we'll keep this going with the children's performers genre. My final biopic choice is Mr. Fred Rogers. Mr. Rogers' show was a massive contribution to educational children's television, and, well, you might to sit down and put your hand underneath your jaw for support for my final choice. I want Dax Shepard to portray him in this hypothetical biopic. He hasn't always played the admirable authority figure, but, hey, he was on Bonnie Hunt's sitcom, so that's gotta earn him some points. And yes, this is just a challenge extended from me to him to see if he's truly worthy of Veronica Mars', damnit, I mean Kristen Bell's, hand in marriage. Check it.

Music Video Mathmatix: Teenage Dream

Random, unnecessary, and inexplicable boxing subplot.

+

Lyrics that sound like they were ripped from a 9th grader's AIM away status...or the modern technological equivalent that I'm too old to understand or care about.

+

30-year-old creepfest getting it on with a "teenager" in a seedy motel.

=

Katy Perry - New Music - More Music Videos

One of those moments where everything is so perfect and wonderful that you almost feel sad because nothing can ever be this good again.

Anna Paquin and Kristen Bell are going to make cameos in Scream 4.

Do you like scary movies? I like that one with the hottie-hot-hot from Party of Five.

Hollywood seems to have a knack for beating a dead horse, forcing its corpse to do a press tour, and then stamping its image on glasses sold for an exclusive period at your local Burger King. Most of the time, this is utterly infuriating, especially when you know that no matter how many Land Before Time movies they make (thirteen), the dinosaurs are all still going to die.

However, this is one tetralogy I can get behind. (You can say "tetralogy" or "quadrilogy"; either way, you'll sound smart. And nerdy.) Let's recap:

Scream

Drew Barrymore is awesome. Garage doors are scary. Who names their child "Skeet" anyway?

Scream 2

No one remembers anything about this one. It was set at a college, and Roseanne's sister was the killer. Still no? Eh, okay.

Scream 3

Hysterically self-referential. Heather Matarazzo cameo. Also with Noel from Felicity, Parker Posey, Jenny McCarthy, and the chick with bird bones from 30 Rock.

Scream 4 includes series veterans Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, and David Arquette, and cast additions include Alison Brie, Rory Culkin, Hayden Panettiere, and Adam Brody. First of all, there's a 97% that this film will satisfy my desire to see a Hayden Panettiere character die, a desire that sadly went unfulfilled throughout two seasons of Heroes and the third Bring It On movie. Secondly, the Scream franchise seems to be setting a tradition of smokin' P.I.s by casting Adam Brody as "Detective Hoss"; if you recall, Patrick Dempsey played the part in the third installment.

And, as an added bonus to my Scream 4 psychage, I learned that the killer's title is "Ghostface Killer." I actually think they've called him or her that throughout the entire series, but, when I hear it, I can't stop thinking of, "Yo Yo Ma and Ghostface Killah to the stage for 'Muffin Top'."

Cute, in a tough, mumbly kind of way.

Hey, Lucy Slash Gia! You shop at Banana Republic and balance books on your head? Me too! God, celebrities are so accessible.

OH, THE HIJINKS.

Oh, it's that time again. There's a new ABC Family Original Series premiering August 17th! Well, I think "original" is a bit strong. Here's the description...

Melissa & Joey, a half-hour comedy with Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence executive producing and starring, finds Hart portraying Mel, the grown-up former wild child of a political family who is now a local politician herself.

When her sister ends up in prison and her brother-in-law flees after a scandal hits, Mel must take responsibility for her teenaged niece, Lennox, and pre-adolescent nephew, Ryder. With Mel spread too thin to manage by herself, help comes in the unlikely form of Joe (Lawrence) who, desperate for a job, moves in and becomes the family’s “manny.”

I can only assume this is a response to the overwhelmingly positive feedback they got from that wedding movie they did together...you know...that romantic comedy they did where they hated each other, were forced to be around each other, hijinks ensued, and they fell in love? Yeah, that one.

But doesn't the description remind you of something?

Here's Wikipedia's Who's the Boss description:

Widower Anthony Morton "Tony" Micelli (Danza) is a former second baseman for the St. Louis Cardinals who was forced to retire due to a shoulder injury. He wanted to move out of Brooklyn to find a better environment for his daughter, Samantha (Alyssa Milano). He ended up taking a job in upscale Fairfield, Connecticut as a live-in housekeeper for divorce advertising executive Angela Bower (Judith Light). The Micellis moved into the Bower residence. Also starring were Danny Pintauro as Angela's son Jonathan and Katherine Helmond as Mona Robinson, her feisty, "sexually progressive mother".

So, Melissa & Joey (mindblowingly original title, by the way), all you need now is a Hottie HotHot to play your teenaged niece and a sassy, redheaded mother to guarantee you eight seasons. Yeah, Who's the Boss was on for EIGHT seasons.

Bonus points for knowing from whom I stole the phrase "Hottie HotHot."

You want to deviled-egg Jess' car?

Partly cloudy with a chance of thrift store bongos.

Y'know how when it's about to rain, the arthritic can feel it their bones? Well, the beatnik trendstorm is coming; I can feel it in my joints.

I got pissy when I heard about the On the Road remake, but at the time, it was an isolated incident. (And by the way, dude, the whole Team Allen Ginsberg thing was a joke.) Now, it seems the beatnik re-revolution is going to snowball, picking up chain-smoking hipsters with just enough time to pick up their black turtlenecks for winter. Speaking of which, does American Apparel sell spandex turtlenecks?

In theaters Fall 2010, Howl:

James Franco stars as the young Allen Ginsberg – poet, counter-culture adventurer and chronicler of the Beat Generation. In his famously confessional, leave-nothing-out style, Ginsberg recounts the road trips, love affairs and search for personal liberation that led to the most timeless and electrifying work of his career, the poem HOWL. Meanwhile, in a San Francisco courtroom, HOWL is on trial. Prosecutor Ralph McIntosh (Strathairn) sets out to prove that the book should be banned, while suave defense attorney Jake Ehrlich (Hamm) argues fervently for freedom of speech and creative expression.

And now, the ONLY beatnik poser I will ever love...

I think this is one videotape that needs to be returned.

Patrick Bateman is dead, but his evil legacy continues with Rachael Newman, the only victim who managed to escape Bateman's grasp. Rachael will get rid of anyone who threatens her chances of becoming teaching assistant to the infamous Dr. Daniels.

Starring: Mila Kunis, William Shatner

Director: Morgan J. Freeman

I'm Mac. I go to school with 500 chicks.

When I was 11, I couldn't get enough of romantic comedies. I seriously would have sacrificed a package of gel pens to see Meg Ryan star in a modernized version of a Shakespeare play with a Liz Phair-stuffed soundtrack. These days I can barely stomach ROMCOMS- which often contain neither a whiff of romance nor a hint of comedy- mostly because they're the same formulaic bullcrap that's been digested and repackaged over and over again. Y'know.

HOWEVER, there is one important and never-forgotten factor that makes these I Hate You BUT REALLY I LOVE YOU crapfests worth watching: the Sassy Best Friend (including subcategories Sassy Gay Friend, Sassy Black Friend, and Sassy Sister Friend). Sassy Best Friend is entertaining because he or she is everything the protagonist is not. Sassy Best Friend is not a bundle of neuroses on the noble quest for a good man; usually, he or she pretty much just wants to get laid. More importantly, while the protagonist denies his or her feelings ("I'm not bajiggity! You are SO bajiggity."), the sassy best friend is blunt past the point of rudeness and often past the point of needing a doctor's prescription.

Here are my top five sassy best friends. Okay, technically there are six.

Honorable Mention: Rosie O'Donnell, Sleepless in Seattle

A movie! That's your problem. You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.

If I recall correctly, Rosie's character casually referenced her mutually abusive relationship with "her Rick" the whole movie and still seemed more sane and level-headed then Meg Ryan's character.

5. Bonnie Hunt, Jerry Maguire

Don't cry at the beginning of a date. Cry at the end, like I do.

Bonnie Hunt, I love you.

4. Joan Cusack, Runaway Bride

I can't find the video clip, so here's the best quote...which is really long.

Maggie: I'm going to kill myself.

Peggy (Sassy Best Friend): Why?

Maggie: Because you think I'm all like... "Hey man, check me out."

Peggy: No, I think you're like, "I'm charming and mysterious in a way that even I don't understand and something about me is crying out for protection from a big man like you." Very hard to compete with. Especially to us married women who have lost our mystery.

Maggie: But you haven't lost your mystery! You're very mysterious!

Peggy: No, I'm weird. Weird and mysterious are two different things.

Maggie: But I'm weird.

Peggy: No, you're quirky. Quirky and weird are two different things.

3. Judy Greer, 27 Dresses

Hey, do you want to come over to my place before the party? Some of the guys from shipping are coming, and they're bringing tequila and bubble wrap.

Judy Greer, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

2. Lisa Kudrow, P.S. I Love You

1. Zooey Deschanel, Failure to Launch

The only watchable scenes of the movie...

Suit Up! with Susan Sarandon

In kindergarten I was obsessed with having crutches. Now, I'm obsessed with having a sparkly cactus suit.

Susan Sarandon at the premiere of 'Great Directors' at MOMA held Tuesday, June 22, 2010.

TIGER BEAT PRESENTS: Everyone I was in love with at age 9.

Devon Sawa

Remember him from: Little Giants, Casper, Now and Then, Wild America, Final Destination

Don't forget about: Idle Hands

Final Destination was made TEN YEARS AGO. The franchise, much like the featured characters, just won't die. Anyway, here's what Devon Sawa looks like now.

I get Devon Sawa confused with...

Brad Renfro

Remember him from: The Client, The Cure, Tom and Huck, Apt Pupil

Don't forget about: Ghost World

While looking up these heartthrobs, I learned that Brad Renfro died two years ago from a heroin overdose at the young age of 25. Really flipping sad.

I get Brad Renfro confused with...

Ethan Hawke

He was in: Dead Poets' Society, Reality Bites, Gattaca

You know him. He's still around. I just tend to mix him up with Brad Renfro.

Guess what? He directed the music video for Lisa Loeb's Stay (I Missed You). Yes, really. This required direction...

Jonathan Taylor Thomas

He was in: Wild America with Devon Sawa, Tom and Huck with Brad Renfro, and he was the voice of Simba in The Lion King.

Don't forget: Man of the House, in which he played Farrah Fawcett son's and Chevy Chase's soon-to-be stepson AND that Christmas movie he made with Jessica Biel.

Plus, he starred in Home Improvement AND guest starred on Veronica Mars as did Zachery Ty Bryan. No word on what younger brother Mark's up to, but I sure hope he grew out of that goth phase.

For more teen dreamboats, see...the entire cast of White Squall.

I believe this was after he parachuted into a tomato truck.

I heard that John Stamos will be joining the cast of Glee next season (as Emma's dentist boyfriend), and my first thought was, "Can John Stamos even sing???"

WHAT WAS I THINKING.

I don't want to buy anything, sell anything, or process anything as a career.

How to Create a Commercial in Six Easy Steps:

Step 1 - Film various scenes of people having fun. Be sure to include people of all races, ages, and possible relationships (so as not to alienate any valuable markets). Necessary scenes include people dancing, jumping, laughing, hanging with a pet, jumping, kissing or hugging, and hanging out on a bed (probably jumping). Mix up these scenes, and throw them all together.

Step 2 - Add EITHER a quirky indie pop song OR a get-up-and-dance funk classic.

Step 3 - Add inspiring, yet utterly unoriginal text to reinforce your commercial's message. If you can't fit the text in periodically, combine all the inspiration into one MEGA-INSPIRED line at the end of your commercial.

Step 4 - Infuse your ad with a "Be yourself, be happy, have the good old times all the time, and don't forget to seize the day," message.

Step 5 - Hide the more sinister message of "You cannot be an individual with joy in your heart without purchasing the same things that 50 million other unhappy people are buying," underneath your first message.

Step 6 - Repeat. Over and over and over again.

Coffee-mate:

(Add your flavor)

Oh, and Target is the holy queen of this:

(Long live happy)

Stay you:

Holiday Inn Express

Today's the day:

JCPenney

There's an M in everyone:

M&Ms

Create your beautiful for less (with extra skin care):

Walmart

What's wrong with casual Monday? (with extra dancing):

Cotton

See what you love:

LensCrafters

Find your place in the rhythm of life (with extra wind):

Kohl's

Go forth (with extra Walt Whitman):

Levi's

Springtime:

Kohl's

Clip of the Day

The best scene from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Yeah, I bet you wish you could turn back time, Gaga.

Now that Lady Gaga's had a handful of hit singles, the general public has finally warmed up to her eccentric style. For a while there, we all just sat watching her in awe, wondering how she didn't collapse under the enormous weight of the gallons of hair spray keeping her hair-bow, hair-telephone, or hair-wide-brimmed-hat in place. And I wonder to myself, why? We've seen this all before; haven't you people even heard of Cher?!

First, Gaga was all, hey girl, I'm all chill with my crazy bleach blond curls and my collared shirt. BAM. Yeah, Cher did that.

Then Gaga was all, hey girl, I got me some crazy hats, so beat that. WHA-POW. Cher did that. She did that...on her own show...with a young Bette Midler.

Gaga then was like, hey girl, I know you got Midler and crazy hats, but NO REALLY, I've got some goddamn, crazy, sparkly hats. And Cher responds with a sparkly Cleopatra bitchslap.

And so, Gaga stepped up her game, and was all, hey girl, I'm about fashion, but I'm about shock and awe too. Check out my killer bikini wax! And Cher said, PLEASE.

And then Gaga pulled out all the stops. She was like, hey girl, I superglued together everything I've bought from Hobby Lobby in the past twelve years and dyed my hair with strawberry-scented markers, BOO-YA. Her majesty Cher responded, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, and at the Oscars, no less.

+

P.S. Gaga, it's not because I hate you. It's because I just love Cher so much.