Note: The author of this piece is currently under a lot of stress.
I have two bones to pick.
First, Facebook, stop giving me suggestions. You know why I haven't already friended that person? Because WE'RE NOT FRIENDS. I either (a) don't know that person or (b) hate that person. So thanks, but I actually don't want to friend that dick from high school and get constant updates on their If You Were a Dinosaur, What Dinosaur Would You Be? quiz results. Also, stop telling me what people are fans of, which leads me to my second point...
I don't think people understand how to be a fan of something. You can be a fan of a sports team (not especially my fav, but I'll understand if you think pointless physical activity is entertaining), or a book, etc. But really, that's what the Interests section of your profile is for. You CANNOT be a fan of something everyone needs to live...or for that matter something everyone loves. Every single freakin' day Facebook tells me to be a fan of sleeping. Be a fan, Laura. 4 of your friends are fans, Laura. No, how about napping? NO FACEBOOK, I CAN'T BE A FAN BECAUSE I'M ACTUALLY NAPPING RIGHT NOW.
You know, I'm personally shocked that 7 of my friends are fans of Obama. Really? Obama? Nobody likes Obama. EXCEPT EVERYONE IN AMERICA. He conquers pirates and buys little kids dogs, for God's sake. Of course, you freaking like Obama!
And CHICAGO. You're a fan of Chicago. Really? I'm so surprised that you would be a fan of THE CITY IN WHICH YOU LIVE.
Also, PUH-LEASE name one non-lactose intolerant person that doesn't like Dippin' Dots. I dare you.
You also like laughing, summer, puppies, Fight Club, the Beatles, The Office, and cheeseburgers? Well, I hereby christen you a unique individual. And you know what your payment for this baptismal ceremony is? Your access to the internet. Fork it over, and go eat or something, SINCE YOU LOVE EATING SO MUCH.
Things that, if you were a fan of them, I would not hate you (but I'd probably still judge you):
- Alexander Graham Bell
- long division
- the War of 1812
- a day of strenuous physical labor
- the Indian Ocean
- the Salem witch trials
- when rings turn your fingers green
Until then, I don't want to hear about you ADORE coffee, the Internet, or your fascinating ability to stand upright.