Thursday, April 30, 2009

Facebook (Dakota) Fanning Update

Don't think me unpatriotic, but some girl just fanned "drinking around a bonfire" and "the United States of America," and I defriended her. Shit just got real.

Also, first person to fan Babyface gets half a cake. That's not a code for anything. Fan Babyface. Get half a cake.

Missed Connection

When I went to the laundry room to get a soda from the vending machines, you were loading your clothes into a washing machine. You probably think I didn't see your boxers with the robots on them, but I did. I just wanted to let know that I have dinosaur socks.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Facebook Not-So-Peer Pressure

Note: The author of this piece is currently under a lot of stress.

I have two bones to pick.

First, Facebook, stop giving me suggestions. You know why I haven't already friended that person? Because WE'RE NOT FRIENDS. I either (a) don't know that person or (b) hate that person. So thanks, but I actually don't want to friend that dick from high school and get constant updates on their If You Were a Dinosaur, What Dinosaur Would You Be? quiz results. Also, stop telling me what people are fans of, which leads me to my second point...

I don't think people understand how to be a fan of something. You can be a fan of a sports team (not especially my fav, but I'll understand if you think pointless physical activity is entertaining), or a book, etc. But really, that's what the Interests section of your profile is for. You CANNOT be a fan of something everyone needs to live...or for that matter something everyone loves. Every single freakin' day Facebook tells me to be a fan of sleeping. Be a fan, Laura. 4 of your friends are fans, Laura. No, how about napping? NO FACEBOOK, I CAN'T BE A FAN BECAUSE I'M ACTUALLY NAPPING RIGHT NOW.

You know, I'm personally shocked that 7 of my friends are fans of Obama. Really? Obama? Nobody likes Obama. EXCEPT EVERYONE IN AMERICA. He conquers pirates and buys little kids dogs, for God's sake. Of course, you freaking like Obama!

And CHICAGO. You're a fan of Chicago. Really? I'm so surprised that you would be a fan of THE CITY IN WHICH YOU LIVE.

Also, PUH-LEASE name one non-lactose intolerant person that doesn't like Dippin' Dots. I dare you.

You also like laughing, summer, puppies, Fight Club, the Beatles, The Office, and cheeseburgers? Well, I hereby christen you a unique individual. And you know what your payment for this baptismal ceremony is? Your access to the internet. Fork it over, and go eat or something, SINCE YOU LOVE EATING SO MUCH.

Things that, if you were a fan of them, I would not hate you (but I'd probably still judge you):
- Alexander Graham Bell
- agoraphobia
- long division
- the War of 1812
- a day of strenuous physical labor
- the Indian Ocean
- the Salem witch trials
- when rings turn your fingers green

Until then, I don't want to hear about you ADORE coffee, the Internet, or your fascinating ability to stand upright.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

because she is a goddess.

Because she is a goddess.  Because she can rock a jumpsuit like no one's business.  Because, even as a Wilderness Girl, she owned those bangs.  And because she used to be Blake Sennett's silver lining, but now she's gold.

Friday, April 10, 2009

facebook bumper sticker hall of fame, revisited.

Cookie Monster = Not green.  Facebook bumper sticker fail.

This, I can appreciate.  Although it makes me feel slightly old and out of touch, as I learned my Spanish from Sesame Street.  I can count from one to ten.

Let's take a little life advice from Taylor Swift on this one, shall we?  "Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong.  It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone.  'Cause I was there when you said FOREVER AND ALWAYS.  You didn't mean it, baby."

And speaking of random Taylor Swift cameos, I'll say it ... I respect this kid.  I had no idea who he was until yesterday, when my sister was telling me a story about the guy who plays Miley's (not Hannah's, Miley's) love interest in the Hannah Montana movie.  Apparently he was getting interviewed on the radio, and the interviewer called him out on starring in some movie with the word pee in the title, and instead of being all, "Yeah, I had to climb my way to the top, the top being starring in a movie where the most-hyped scene is a shoe department fight with Tyra," he said, completely sincerely, something along the lines of, "Yeah, that was a solid film.  I'm really proud to have been a part of it."  On a slightly related note, my sister is 26 and is the only person I know who's willing to go see the Hannah Montana movie with me.

"I never fully understood that expression, but no, I am not 'shitting you.' "

Real bumper sticker art imitates real bumper sticker hall of fame mockery, a la me.

I spent a good couple minutes staring at this bumper sticker, asking myself, "Why is that chapeau-clad man carrying a cane?"  Followed by, "Why is that stick figure sporting a chapeau?"


Friday, April 3, 2009

My Brother Stole My Brain Space

Most people blame their quirks and odd habits on their parents and how they were raised, and although I only know how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism because of dear old mom and dad, a good deal of my weirdness is a direct result of growing up with my younger brother, Joe. (The rest of my personality was clearly established through the WB.) My two older sisters are 15 months apart in age, so Joe and I spent a great deal of time together over the years.

When Joe and I weren't building forts and sumo wrestling (with bean bags strapped to our chests), we were watching tv. A lot of tv. My middle child mind only remembers watching what Joe wanted to watch- Cartoon Network. And for this reason I will be perpetually maladjusted.

I have watched more Scooby Doo episodes than the Harlem Globe Trotters combined. This may be the reason why I cannot pass a portrait without thinking that a criminal is watching me through the eyes of the painting. Same goes for suits of armor, though I don't pass suits of armor frequently. Note to self: make fun of Joe more for having a creepy 8-year-old Don Knotts obsession.

I know that Charmander turns into Charmeleon which becomes Charizard. I know his card is worth 120 points among many other things that will not get me a job. My personal favorite was Ninetails, and I still lose sleep over the fact that Meowth could talk, but none of the other Pokemon could.

I recently watched a clip for a new movie called Dragonball Evolution and understood it.

When I hear songs from the Barber of Seville, I think of the Bugs Bunny cartoon, not the opera.

I have several songs on my computer by Brak from Space Ghost Coast to Coast, and I know the words to all of them. I think Soup On A Stick is actually pretty romantic.

When I hear "Qu'est ce que c'est?" I think of the alien duck guy from Courage the Cowardly Dog. This especially sucks as I have a French minor.

Sometimes I seriously miss Dastardly and Muttley.

The other day I tried to explain Snorks to four different people. No one understood what I was talking about until I texted my brother, and he was like, of course I know what Snorks are.

For a long time, I thought Rodney Dangerfield stole, "No respect!" from Jabberjaw.

These are the things I am thinking about when you ask me about current events and homework assignments. So just give me an extra second to finish up pondering Two Stupid Dogs, and then we can talk about Obama.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

next up, little women ii: how amy march stole laurie.

Spotted today in the Popular Library section of the Harold Washington:

Dear Jane Odiwe,
Congratulations on writing a book about the most unlikable character in British literature.
A youngest sister who fears that Lydia Bennet has created a bad name for youngests-in-the-family worldwide.

mustache contest ... interesting. so even if you win, you still lose.

So I was going to try and write a post around this photo.  And the more I try, the more I realize no words can do this gem any justice.  Amber Tamblyn.  Alexis Bledel.  All Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants references aside, if I could choose two brunette former television actresses to share a bottle of red with on a Friday night, it'd totally be these two.
Apparently the story behind the 'stache is that Tamblyn was at the 10th Anniversary party for Nylon magazine and wanted to avoid party photographers ... right.  I'm quite sure the real reason was she wanted to avoid Mary-Kate Olsen and that one Cheetah Girl.  Wait, WHAT?  That's not MK?  That's Little J?  Apparently I'm not the ONLY one who's been loving LC's vamp-esque red lipstick in The Hills Season 5 promo. xoxo Alice Cullen.
On a completely random note: If you ever want to win my undying love and affection, tell me I look like Amber Tamblyn.  It worked for this one girl on my calcio team.  Do I actually?  Not so much.  But it helped me forget that Calcio Girl graduated from a rival high school and I never head-butted or shin-kicked her once.