Dear Mark Zuckerberg or Whoever Owns Facebook Now,
I know my home phone's been broken for the past week, so it's been difficult to contact me, but I'm on facebook all the time and I have a cell phone, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL ME UP AND TELL ME I'M MUCH TOO HAIRY FOR YOUR LIKING? I can't take this whole beating around the bush thing, okay? (What an awful pun.) Just say it. You want me to love lasers and hate body hair and wear uncomfortably low-cut sarongs all the time! I get it. A little honesty would have been nice.