Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Clip of the Day

Are you feeling Centered today?

MTV Stuns America With Watchable Program

Well, hey there.  I must admit, with Jon and Kate's divorce, the situation in Iran, and the deaths (and fake Tweet-deaths) of numerous celebs, I've been a bit bummed out lately.  Fear not, loyal Reader- things are looking up!

MTV has a new show called It's On with Alexa Chung, and it's pure magic.  It's like TRL traded in the annoying for a set straight from Urban Outfitters.  Although New York Magazine (online) thinks it "gets off to a bumpy start," the episodes I've caught have been worth watching.

And how unexpected, MTV!  I had all but given up on your programming (that consists solely of recycling reality stars and Parental Control).  But alas, I am impressed and so is VH1 apparently, because they're playing encore episodes of IOwAC an hour earlier. 

I checked out MTV.com, and here's what Alexa has to say about herself...

Hi, I'm Alexa Chung.

I'm 25 years old, I was born in England in one of those places that look like they're from a Richard Curtis movie -- you know, rolling countryside, a one cow village, with just me, my folks and a dog! Nothing much happened apart from when the pub's sign fell down and we had to rename the pub 'Pub.' I had a fav cat called Stimpy, and when I was five I wished I didn't have brown hair and that was childhood, basically.

Then I became a model. That sucked ... you have to stand on a cross on the floor and no one talks to you, and I'm what you call a talker. Modeling pays the bills, but as much as I love teen magazines you can't really be in them when you're 22.

I dreamt of becoming a horse-riding ballerina but it just wasn't going to happen and my dad wouldn't let me join the circus ... what's a girl to do? Hey, I wasn't going to be pigeonholed so I thought why not be a TV presenter (you would say, "host") or an actor? Actually, scrub acting. I can't do "crestfallen." So, here I am, a bona fide English TV presenter coming across the pond to party with you guys.

What else is there? OK, I like green tea, clothes and Makers Mark. I'm a vegetarian, but I'm scared of carbs. I've got one rule; I don't eat anything with a face on it. My fave book is Revolutionary Road. My least fave movie is Revolutionary Road. I'm really good at swimming and playing the recorder, and I'm really bad at singing, but I love karaoke as much as the next guy. My favorite fact is that a baby can crawl through the artery of a whale. I don't know if that's true but my friend Jack told me and he's usually right.

What else is there to say? I'm over here to make a TV show that I am beyond excited about. I wanna make something that you'll want to watch. We'll be getting some great guests and you will be able to join in all of the fun and tell me what you think as we're going along.

Highlights of the show today (and the encore presentation of yesterday's episode):

- Alexa remains friendly and calm when Seann William Scott hits on her the entire episode, refuses to participate in her games, and tells an inappropriate story about watching his 10-year-old brother have sex.
- Alexa at one point hates on the Tweet and makes fun of people's facebook pages but condemns Twitter-hacking.  Oh hey, sense of right and wrong.
- Alexa and her guest, the girl from Secret Life of the American Teenager, don baby bellies for the interview and a game, titled "Preggers Olympics."  (The next guest, a rapper, also wears a baby belly for no real reason and keeps it on to perform.)

It's on at noon/eleven central, so check it out...

P.S.  Yes, she is half-Asian.  Which makes me 100% want to marry her.
P.P.S.  I hope she brings on Real World Chet as a foreign correspondent from Utah.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Clip of the Day

This video's a little late, but I'm on a Rashida Jones kick.  I'm jonesing for Jones, if you will.  If you won't, you can go to hell.

Friday, June 26, 2009

"lol remember when studio 60 got canceled?"

Thanks, Jezebel.com, for furthering my delusion that Jack & Jill was not a short-lived WB drama, but that the characters are in fact still the best of friends and attend fun soirees together (in two outfits that, ps, I am loving.  Messy buns, plastic frames and blazers, oh my).
Also, if I could direct you back to my first blog post extolling the virtues of J&J, you'll notice that I name one Jacqueline Barrett responsible for teaching me that it is okay, nay, hip to tie one's cardigan around one's waist (I'm looking at you, Amanda Peet).

How Could You Be So Dr. Evil?

I can't tell which cover I like best.  What say you, general public?

We're Talking Olympic-Sized...

or A Short Rant on the Difference Between Male and Female Nudity in Popular Film

Recent happening...
(Backstory- I was out of town for the weekend.  My parents went to see Up on Saturday night.)
Me:  Hey, what'd you do Saturday night?
My younger, 17-year-old brother:  Eh, I went out with Ross.  Why?
Me:  Oh, I was just wondering if you went to see that movie with Mom and Dad.
Brother:  Hell no.  That would be so uncomfortable watching that movie with them.  There's so much male nudity in it!
Me:  (Jaw drops.  Silence.  15 seconds pass as I try to figure out what exactly the title "up" is in reference to.)
Brother:  Why are you looking at me like that?  Oh, you mean Up!  I thought you meant The Hangover!
(All heart rates return to normal.)

Well, I saw The Hangover recently, and my brother's right- there was a lot of male nudity.  However, these days, that still means not a whole lot.  It seems like you can't get through a movie without seeing a topless woman, but male nudity is hard to come by (no pun intended).

Of course, shirtless guys abound in films...I'm looking at you, Matthew McConaughey.   But, there's a difference between a topless man and a topless woman, and revealed breasts still count as nudity.  

Now I'm going to use a fruit metaphor, so stick with me.  It's like comparing apples and oranges...or rather berries and melons.  It doesn't really matter when it comes to the fruit salad of nudity.

Don't get me wrong, I really have no desire to see every male actor's business in every movie, but I do applaud The Hangover for evening out the male-female nudity ratio.  Because if the nation's cinematic endeavors are going to take an express train to the hellfires of sin, swinging a sword (okay, that pun was intended) at any semblance of decency, I'd like that train to be an equal-opportunity system of transportation.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Clip of the Day

In honor of the opening of Transformers 2 (uh, barf) and the pure sex that is Shia LaBeouf, let's take a moment to remember his early acting days when he was goofy and jumping into dumpsters full of foam pieces.

Also, if you've got the time (like me), all Even Stevens episodes can be found on Youtube.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

And I Think I Remember Mel Gibson Accurately...

Due to some unnecessary commenting sass, I will now construct a lengthy post comparing and contrasting (but mostly comparing) Hamlet and Keeping Up With The Kardashians with NO videos.  Yes, consider this a punishment.

Though using different media and set in different time periods, both of these stories focus on an unconventional family whose sanity is frequently questioned.  In each family, the birth father of our protagonist has passed away prior to the telling of the story, and the mother has remarried.  (Yes, that means I'm calling Kim the protagonist.  If you're gonna have comment attitude, you better be prepared for the repercussions.)

Each family resides in a residence that is needlessly large and runs a kingdom.  Denmark and DASH both start with a D.  Coincidence?  I think not.

King Claudius, Hamlet's uncle/step-father, is our antagonist, and I know what you're thinking.  "But Bruce Jenner is the only sane one in the house!"  Here's the thing- he used to do decathlons at the Olympic level, and therefore he is neither sane nor a good guy.

As mentioned earlier, Kim Kardashian and Hamlet have a lot in common.  They're both overdramatic and freaking out most of the time.  They're the most famous characters in their stories, and let's face it- if thinking about death and going shopping were the same thing, they'd practically be the same person.

Polonius and Ophelia are essentially Kim's sisters, Kourtney and Khloe.  Always scheming and spying on everyone, by the end of the episode, you kindof wish someone would stab them through a curtain.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern add a bit of comedic relief throughout the play, much like the youngest Kardashian girls, Kendall and Kylie.  Remember the time Rosencrantz and Guildenstern sat on top of Claudius' car in tutus?  Hilarious.

ALSO, the sexual orientations of both Hamlet's author, Shakespeare, and KUWTK's executive producer, Ryan Seacrest, are often questioned.

And finally, *SPOILER ALERT* at the end of Hamlet, pretty much everyone dies...much like most of your brain cells after watching a Kardashian marathon.

If you're still questioning these parallels, watch the episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians in which Khloe demands a DNA test to prove Kris is her mom.  Only the fratricide in Hamlet can produce parental tension of the same caliber.

Maybe now you'll think twice about hating on excessive videos about Disney stars.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Clip of the Day

This clip fills me with warmth and a desire to don my not-so-old leg warmers / watch some HIMYM.

frenemies for change.

So this girl's been doing a lot of baby-sitting (I swear that's the reason), and this commercial has been playing nearly non-stop lately on the Disney Channel:

Every time I see these girls billing themselves as "friends for change," aside from the fact that it sounds like a half-hearted eight-month-late attempt at a campaign ad, I have to wonder just how sincere that friendship is.  

Why, you ask?  In case you missed it the first time around, check out the YouTube Tween Battle 2008, and ask yourself:  Really, Destiny Hope Cyrus?  Are you, in fact, just being Miley? Or was this commercial shoot a nice big welcome to Awkwardville, Popoulation: You Three.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Clip of the Day or How a Real Girl (Slayer) Would Treat Edward Cullen

One day, I'll post something that is in no way related to Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Twilight.  One day.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

smart boys make passes at girls who wear glasses.

Apparently this blog is turning into a commercial love fest, but I am in deep like with these LensCrafters ads.  I should probably be screaming cute overload or something.  But the cockles of this girl's heart?  Consider them warmed.  Granted, the first time I saw the "I heart" LC logo I was thinking more Laguna Beach than fashion-forward frames, but I got onboard.

But the print ads are just as freaking adorable! Roommate-former sent me this one recently:
And this one showed up in a magazine I was reading.  Fact: Ninety percent of the reason I'm a fan is because the guy looks like Ben Folds.
AND THEN, in "researching" this post, I came across a long-ago LensCrafters campaign that featured everyone's favorite '90s singer-guitar-player-Sarah-Silverman-Program guest star.  Yes, Lisa Loeb, "I Do" want to "Stay" a LensCrafters customer (I crack myself up, for real).


Oh hey ps LensCrafters?  Hi.  I just went on a completely non-sarcastic rant about how much you rock.  Please send me some coupons, as I still haven't told anyone I lost my readers on a copy-editing pizza run, and am probably doing permanent damage to my eyes.  K thanks bye.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

fall into the gap part ii.

Welcome back to every advertising executive's dream, when I admit what a profound and lasting impact Gap commercials have had on my life.  The West Side Story-themed "Are You a Jean or a Khaki?" commercials are probably my favorite Gap ads of all time.  So taking that into consideration, along with the fact that the West Side Story revival just got totally ROBBED at this year's Tony's, I figured it was a good time to pull a little Bernstein-Sondheim love out of the YouTube vault.    
These ads were big sometime around junior high, the years when all my notebooks were Scotch-tape-collaged works of art, because I remember having one of the Gap magazine ads splashed across a binder.  I spent an embarrassing amount of time back then trying to decide if I felt a stronger pull from the jean side or the khaki side.  Looking back now, I was sure I'd identify myself as a jean.  I mean come on, they're winning definite style points (so much so that I'm even willing to overlook the instances of double-denim):
But then I revisited the "When You're a Khaki" commercial ... and the jumping snaps.  Ah, the jumping snaps.  How is a girl supposed to resist the jumping snaps?!?

Damn you, Gap ads, you've foiled me again.  It's a question for the ages.  So tell me, friends, are you a jean or a khaki?  Because I swear on a pocket-tee that I just can't seem to make up my mind.

clip of the day.

Granted, today's clip of the day should have been the clip of about three weeks ago.  But my co-blogger and I recently returned from a weekend that included two reeeeeally long car trips, and this version of this song enjoyed far more iTrip time than anything else.
So I've heard all the cries of, "oh Lauren this is a rip-off of High School Musical," "oh Lauren this is a rip-off of American Pie," "oh Lauren if you let anyone know that you convinced me to watch this instead of the Blackhawks game I'll kill you."  But I refuse to let any of those arguments detract from the glee that is Glee for the following reasons:
#1.  Solid use of Chucks.
#2.  Solid Broadway-TV crossover by the girl from Spring Awakening.
#3.  Solid use of Matthew Morrison, who plays the "grr I'm stuck in a dead-end Revolutionary Road marriage" teacher, who made aforementioned co-blogger's and my high school "Famous People We'd Like to Meet When They're Not So Famous Anymore" list (if you don't know who Matthew Morrison is, as most people admittedly don't slash don't care that they don't, don't ask me, because I'll give you a five-minute long explanation that will make you forget what question you asked in the first place).
Anyway, this is pretty much my top pick this summer to blast in my car to the point where I'm not really singing along so much as yelling along.  I say pretty much, because I am still obsessed with "My Life Would Suck Without You" and am only a little ashamed to admit it.
So enjoy, and then head over to the FOX Web site and watch the Glee pilot.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Clip of the Day

P.S.  Effective immediately, I will respond only to the title, "Uppity Better-Than-Everyone Superskank."

Laura Answers Common Facebook Quiz Questions for the General Public

What plastic army man are you?
This is asshattery.  I'm already disgruntled.

Where should you have sex next?

Would Megan Fox date you?
No.  She won't.  Stop taking this quiz hoping for different results.

When will you get knocked up?
Hopefully never.  Cause you're probably one of those people who will make a facebook page for your BABY.

Which evil, evil person in history are you?
Idk, but you're worthless, worthless right now.

What animal is your spirit guide?
The wolf will be your spirit guide...that is, until it rips your face off for bastardizing sacred cultural traditions for your own personal amusement.

How well do you know men?
I can't tell if this quiz is going to tell me I'm a slut or that I can't go fishing cause I'm a girl.  Lose-lose. 

What mental disorder are you?
Oh hey, offensive, how's it going?

What percent of your brain is being used?
Oh, I'm gonna guess a whole hell of a lot of brainpower is needed for these godforsaken quizzes.

How attractive are you?
Megan Fox thinks you're a total babe.

How dirty is your mind?
Nobody gets more than a 70% on this one, because the people who actually have dirty minds are all watching online porn.

What's your stripper name?
I wonder if strippers take this.  Are they offended?  And what about all the women who were born with the name "Cherry."  WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO?

What color is your aura?
It's like a rainbow.  Hence your reward of five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Clip of the Day

No words for this clip.  Just emotions.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Angry Clip of the Day


*Catherine of Siena?  I don't remember.  I fell asleep during it- it was really boring.  And there were no sparkly guitars.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Dear Duggars

Dear Josh Duggar,
Just a few tips here.  Perhaps it's not the best idea to tell your OB/GYN that your wife is great at swallowing, even if you are just talking about vitamin intake.  You also might not want to grill your cousin's boyfriend about what he would bring to a marriage, as I am already keeping a close watch on the sexual tension between you and your cousin.  Also, sushi and go-karting may not be the best date night for you and your pregnant wife, who has been having terrible morning sickness lately.  

Judgmentally yours,

P.S.  Amy's Date, I did not appreciate your suggestion of naming the baby after a Transformers character, and as a result, I do not feel bad for you that Amy decided to "respect her family" and not kiss you all night.  HA.

This Situation: Lose-Lose

I fully support an over-35 America's Next Top Model rip-off.  I do NOT support treating grown women like the babies in Anne Geddes photos.  Hell, I don't support the treatment of babies in Anne Geddes' photos.  Grown women should not be put in ridiculous poses to form a computer-generated giant butterfly, even if it is for a hundred grand.

To further articulate my thoughts...
Michael Scott: Now, one at a time I want you to express your feelings using "I" emotion language and no judging or "you" statements. 
Angela: I got this poster for Christmas and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists and God has a really cute sense of humor. 
Michael Scott: Come on, seriously, THAT? 
Oscar: I don't like looking at it; it's creepy and in bad taste and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers that forced the babies into it. It's kitsch. It is the opposite of art. It destroys art. This is so much more offensive to me than hard core porn!

Clip of the Day

For more on Garfunkel and Oates and their song "Sex With Ducks," check out CNN.com.

Riki:  People think we really want to have sex with ducks.
Kate:  That'd be weird.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Jenny, I Got Your Number...

So, I've been hearing some rumors that Jenny McCarthy, with help from her friend Oprah, is getting her own talk show (Newsweek, People.com).  She already has her own blog on Oprah.com, and "Friday's entry concerned PMS and sugar."  THUMBS UP!  

When I read this, I thought to myself, "Wait, didn't Jenny McCarthy already have her own show?"  You betcha!  It was a sketch comedy show that she left Singled Out to do (and which included Brian Posehn from The Sarah Silverman Show).  See theme song below.  NOTE:  Ex-Roommate, if you don't want to see a cheap bastardization of The Mary Tyler Moore Show theme, don't watch.

I, for one, am thoroughly disappointed that Jenny is changing her image from the woman who picks her nose on television to the woman who hosts a super-lame talk show aimed at (yuck) Oprah fans.  Especially because I LIKE JENNY MCCARTHY.  Sookie from Gilmore Girls is her cousin!  She has one of those relationships where she's beginning to physically resemble her partner!  Did I mention she hosted SINGLED OUT???

You Do Not Light Up My Life

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Because You All Wanted To Learn More About Kristen Stewart

When I first saw Twilight, I thought that Kristen Stewart had been plucked out of obscurity and thrown on the screen, and that this was one of the reasons she is so painfully awkward in interviews.  However, since that first viewing, I have seen OMGBELLA in a handful of movies she made pre-Twilight.

And this is when I realized that all of her other roles have just been preparing her for Twilight.  She would not be the cough-actress-cough she is today without these other films.  

Let's take a look:

1.  OMGBELLA is always the new kid.  She only goes to science classes.  Her lab partners are always her soulmates.  Watch up until 0:37.

2.  OMGBELLA is always awkward, but you should see her squirm when she talks to her dad, especially about boys.  Oh yeah, her dad's always a way more likable character.  Watch from 5:16 to 5:45.  Watch for an extra fifteen seconds to hear her dad quote High School Musical.

3.  OMGBELLA loves to hang out in a tanktop and undies.  But really, what teenage girl doesn't???  Her second favorite thing to do?  Get sexually rejected by an older guy.

4.  I don't know if you know this, but writhing around on the floor in the appropriate manner takes practice.  In Panic Room, OMGBELLA's character has a seizure, and she teaches us all the important difference between seizing due to lack of insulin and seizing due to vampire bite: how much you look like you're having an orgasm.  Watch from 3:59 to 4:48.

and just so you can see what I'm talking about...
2:27 all the way to 5:17.