Two Thumbs Up! Fine Holiday Fun!

As I am currently in Spring Break limbo (post-classes, pre-travel, with campus looking like the set from Children of the Corn [I yelled "Outlander!" in the library today, and nobody noticed]), I find myself watching really horrible movies...and loving it.  Here are some truly rotten films that I can't stop watching.

Grandma's Boy

I was only able to catch part of this movie, but WHO KNEW Linda Cardellini is in it!  Granted, this movie is not nearly on par with Freaks and Geeks and would probably be much more amusing if I spent the majority of my time getting high, but I can't resist a good robot voice.

Van Wilder

Um, so maybe I always watch this when it's on, whatever.  The cleverness of "Naomi is 'I moan' backwards" just gets me every time.  I'm sure there are revolting scenes that would probably turn me off from this movie that are cut out for tv, but I can't pass it up.  It's like Ferris Bueller goes to college, but it's less overquoted by everyone I know (I immediately detest every teacher who does the Ben Stein role call...and believe me, there have been quite a few).  Plus, if you pay attention, you'll see Sophia Bush, AND this movie makes Tara Reid seem like a serious journalism student.  So, it's magic.  

The Hot Chick

I know.  You're thinking- Rob Schneider, no way.  But come on, even Amy Poehler was in Deuce Bigalow, and HELLO, the girl Rob switches bodies with...RACHEL McADAMS.  And her mom is Jan from The Office.  AND Matthew Lawrence is in it.  That's like a recipe for success.  Kindof.  If none of this sways you, give it a shot simply for the scene in which Ashlee Simpson gets a drink spilled all over her. 

Accepted

Main character, BARTLEBY, gets rejected from everywhere he applies, so he starts his own fake college and has sex with Blake Lively.  Now that I think about it, the title is actually somewhat misleading.  Jonah Hill plays the responsible one, Lewis Black essentially plays himself, and Justin Long DOESN'T get his eyes ripped out by a giant flying cannibal monster.  What more could you ask for???

So you probably won't watch any of these today or tomorrow.  But come Thursday, after you've been stuck at home with your family for almost a week, and you've caught yourself up on LOST, and you've watched two Monk marathons, turn on Comedy Central before noon.  You're gonna love it.

things i will be giving up for lent:

::Blogging about the West Wing.

::Buying skirts from Urban Outfitters that look like my Rosary kilt from Flynn & O'Hara.

::Sleeping on my broken magenta couch, thinking that it will force me to actually wake up on time for my Machiavelli class; it will not.

::Ending every sentence with "yo."

::Listening to SO MUCH Taylor Swift.

::Mouthing the words to Legally Blonde: The Musical and occasionally miming "snaps" while I'm on the Halas treadmills.

::Trying to be like Grace Kelly.

::Trying to be like Chet from the Real World.

::Trying to be like Sarah from the Real World.

::Trying to convince my roommate that Ryan from the Real World is a stand-up guy.

::Trying to steal my roommate's identity.

::Photoshop-ing photos of my dog.

::Watching the Real Housewives of any county.

::Writing inane blog posts during my photojournalism class, and, consequently, Google Image searching "Ryan Real World mustache" during my photojournalism class.

Things I Will Be Giving Up For Lent

- Swearing

- Television

- Unclean meat

- Having too much fun

- Running With Scissors (the movie and the action)

- Guiltlessly mocking others about their Disney Princess e-mail signatures (I'm still going to mock them, but now I'll feel guilty)

- Boats

- Hoes

- Telling people they're pretty and asking if they agree

- Overbooking airplanes

- Talking about sex, talking about you and me, talking about all the good things and the bad things that may be

- Madonna (not the virgin Mary, the other one)

- Gossip Girl advertisements

- Chet from The Real World

- J.D. from The Real World

- Katelynn from The Real World

- Counting down until the little Jonas brother is 18

Blogging My Way Through the Disney Princess Website

I have a lot of work to do...so obviously I just spent a half an hour on the interactive Disney Princess website and will now spend another chunk of my life telling you about it.

The home page shows all the major Disney princesses lined up in a row. Belle and Sleeping Beauty look weird. Loss of points for lack of illustrative continuity, Disney. Some of the princesses are creepily giggling and blinking a lot. I'm uncomfortable. A voice tells me, "Choose a princess and experience her magical world!" Now, I'm not going to actually make the comment here because these characters are meant for children, but I'll just cite this Dave Matthews Band lyric that popped into my head when I heard that voice. "Hike up your skirt a little more, and show your world to me."

1. Snow White: Each princess has the following activities: Storybook, Princess Paint, Reveal a Picture, Video, Desktop Downloads, Printables, and a special game (that only works for Ariel, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty). I click on Snow White's Princess Paint game, and it's essentially Microsoft Paint with the addition of Special Princess Jewel Brushes! Great! But wait! OH NO! The special brushes aren't working! I WANT THE SPECIAL BRUSHES! I think this website is already affecting me.

When you scroll over Printables, Ms. Magic Voice says, "Printing fun" and "Let's print!" I have never been more excited to print out pictures of tiaras. Ever.

2. Pocahontas: You can download princess email signatures. So, like when you e-mail someone, a princess face will show up. Please, just please don't.

Okay, HOLD UP. The Reveal a Picture game is essentially moving the mouse (wand) over a princessy wallpaper, wiping away the pattern to reveal a picture. Uh, I was intending on leaving my Disney-princesses-brainwash-children-to-be-1950s-housewives-and-only-care-about-shopping-
fashion-and-cooking at the door, but this is a game about how awesome it is to wash windows. I'm not kidding.

Pocahontas has the Jewel Brush, and IT IS SO MUCH FUN. She has little stickers that are even better. AND cool video clips that led me to imdb Pocahontas...and discover that Mel Gibson and Christian Bale are two of the voices. Why have I not seen a Christian Bale F-Bomb rant + Pocahontas mash-up yet? Get on it, internet nerds!

3. ARIEL IS ON LAND AND IS OBSESSED WITH TEA PARTIES. Seriously, did the legs come with a chemical imbalance? Stop talking about the kingdom-wide tea party! Ariel is one of the few princesses who have their own special game. After talking about the tea party for like twenty minutes, she reveals that, for her game, we have to pick out what she's going to wear. Sweet. Ariel has THE creepiest mannequin ever (complete with hair), a buttload of clothes, and two wedding veils. Who is she intending to marry next? I successfully completed this task and received a picture of a bracelet to print. Apparently, Disney really wants little girls to print stuff.

4. Cinderella: Cindy, you too are creepy. Your black choker reminds me of the story of the girl with the ribbon around her neck her whole life, and when she takes it off, her head falls off. Hope that's not part of the "happily ever after." All the stickers are of you except for one of the dog. I don't know what this means.

5. Ms. Magic Voice declares, "Let's visit Aurora!" I've been to Aurora. No one plays "Once Upon A Dream" there. Aurora, more commonly known as Sleeping Beauty, says, "It's important that as their princess, I look my very best." Ariel also mentioned something about setting an example by looking good. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE. My momma always told me to set a good example for my little brother. I dressed like Blake Lively when I was 9, and consequently, my little brother is a decent, wonderful, tax-paying citizen.

6. Jasmine: There's a video of Jasmine in either a princess movie or Aladdin 4+ (I own Aladdin 1-3, and I can tell ya, this ain't it). First, she starts complaining about this dress her dad wants her to wear that makes her look like a peacock. BUT THEN, she goes on to sing a song about how she wants to be, "more than a peacock princess." She wants to "find a cure, help the poor...be a diplomat." And then she dances with some peacocks. Jasmine, you're my new fav, even though I don't approve of your complacency with touching wild fowl.

Belle and Mulan are both boring. As is the "Parenting a Princess" section.

I was impressed to find a princess baseball set in the products section, even though it was listed between the more expected tea cart, shopping cart, talking vanity, and styling head. (P.S. I'm now taking bets on whether or not my roommate will shell out (no pun intended, but appreciated) over $40 for the Little Mermaid broadway musical collectible doll. It's Ariel with legs AND a fin to really confuse your daughters about female anatomy.)

In conclusion, if I were 10, this website would not hold my attention. It barely does now, as illustrated by my descriptions of the Belle and Mulan pages. It is only worth your time if you have a really good printer, a jewelry fetish, or a desire to catch the Avian bird flu.

NOTE: I sincerely hope that you don't think I like Dave because of the Crash lyric. I don't; I was simply trying to punch a hole in your innocent image of the Disney princesses.

my west-wing-tinted, guys and dolls dream part ii

Why stop at West Wing guest stars?  Work with me for a second here.  Just from the episodes I've watched in the past week, I've learned that Sam Seaborn spent two years as the recording secretary of Princeton's Gilbert and Sullivan Society, and heard him sing selections from Pirates of Penzance.  Josh Lyman made a Brigadoon reference a few episodes back, and started singing "The Wells Fargo Wagon" in that fateful Oliver Platt episode.  These guys are just aching for a song and dance number, you can tell.

Sam as Sky Masterson, Josh as Nathan Detroit.  And if you really wanted to push it, Donna Moss as Adelaide, and Ainsley Hayes as Sarah Brown.  President Bartlet, Big Jule, and scene.

But seriously.  How fantastic would it have been if the West Wing had gone all Buffy/Scrubs/Even Stevens and filmed an entire musical episode?

west wing guest stars who would make a better nathan detroit than oliver platt:

If you read this blog or talk to me on any sort of regular basis, then you're already well aware that a new Guys & Dolls revival has hit Broadway. And starring as that lovable commitophobe Nathan Detroit, immortalized on screen by a slightly silver-haired Frank Sinatra, is none other than ... Oliver Platt. 

          

Even my father, whose love for musicals extends solely to those whose cast lists include my siblings and/or me, is left puzzled by this particular choice.  Nothing against Oliver Platt; the man starred in Flatliners (which happens to be the only place left where Loyola students can enjoy the Jes Res Lawn). 

              

But I finally got to the West Wing Season Two episode today where Platt makes his first appearance (which, if my father asks, I watched online, not on the box set that I swiped from our basement the last time I was home), and it's left me questioning what other beloved West Wing guest stars might be more aptly suited to handle the vim and vigor that is sure to be Lauren Graham's Adelaide.

         

            

                  

                                    

                                    

Matthew Perry: 

                       

Once I remembered that Matthew Perry guest starred on the West Wing at all, I considered just stopping the list right here.  First of all, he and Lauren Graham are already good friends/possible lifemates, which I learned from separate interviews on Ellen.  Second of all, 1955:  Everyone wants to marry Frank Sinatra.  2005:  Everyone wants to marry Chandler Bing.  Could it BE any more obvious?

       

                 

                                          

                                        

                                                   

Mark Feuerstein:

                 

I haven't reasoned out quite yet why he should be included on this list.  But I highly enjoyed his work on Good Morning, Miami.

       

      

                      

                                   

Christian Slater:

      

The man could stand to beef up his resume.  This way, my roommate might stop asking, "Is this the one where he's got the baboon heart?" every time his name comes up in conversation.  Also, Heathers.  Always, Heathers.

   

      

                                                                              

                                                       

                    

Taye Diggs:

      

He guest starred as a Secret Service agent.  How cool is that.  We already know he can sing.  Idina Menzel would agree.  And Guys & Dolls could stand a multi-cultural facelift.  

       

            

           

                              

Alan Alda:

      

For obvious reasons.

Facebook Ads, You Are Making Me BLIND

Have you seen the facebook ad with the girl with the two sets of eyes and mouths? Freaky and weird, check. Makes me dizzy every time I see it, check. Probably speeding up the deterioration of my eyes caused by looking at a computer screen for 10 hours a day, check (I'm writing this post with my eyes closed).

BUT WAIT, Facebook wants to creep me out and wreck my eyes even further! There's a new ad with a BABY. A four-eyed, two-mouthed baby. A creepy mythological-creature-looking baby. A baby that, upon viewing it, has the same effects of the Ark of the Covenant...except this was given directly to Facebook from the hands of the Devil. A baby whose image is the reason Justin Long got his eyes ripped out in the final scene of Jeepers Creepers- he just couldn't stand looking at that Facebook ad.

I don't feel bad about ruining Jeepers Creepers for you...or babies.

because she is a goddess.

Because she is a goddess.  Because she (along with someone else I know) DOES NOT look like Katy Perry.  And because when she and Ben Gibbard get married, not only will their children rock the bangin-est bangs ever, but I will be waiting in eager anticipation for a performance by She & He & Him to show up on YouTube.

Buffy Vs. Bella: The Ultimate Showdown

*May contain some spoilers for Twilight.

Here are my feelings on the Twilight series, summarized for your convenience:
Highly entertaining. Not a great piece of literature. Bad for its target audience, tween gals, because (1) it portrays relationships and break-ups in unrealistic ways, leading to unhealthy expectations, (2) I believe Edward's thirst for Bella's blood is a thinly veiled metaphor for sex in which Edward must show incredible amounts of self-control not to hurt Bella, and (3) as one blogger writes, Bella's "dominant personality trait is low self-esteem." (http://jezebel.com/5034213/breaking-dawn-
what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting-a-
vampire) This said, I have read all four books twice, seen the movie twice, and Edward Cullen's the background on my phone. Just cause cheeseburgers aren't good for you, it doesn't mean they're not delicious.

Now, if you've read, well, anything on this blog, you'll know that I love pretty much everything that happened in the 90's (apart from the whole stain-on-the-dress thing) and anything that was ever shown on the WB. HOWEVER, somehow I missed out on Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. I watched a few episodes here and there, and after the loaning of several Teen Bop magazines and the prompting of my 4th grade best friend, I wrote to the Buffy cast and received an autographed photo.

So, I've been making up for lost time (a.k.a. avoiding real life) by watching episodes of Buffy online. I'm not too far in, but I've already decided that all these Twilight addicts need to watch some Buffy, pronto. There are a lot of similarities between Twilight and Buffy, but I swear that these crazed fans would actually grow up to be decent people if they chose the latter as their fav entertainment. Let's compare and contrast, shall we? (Or just contrast to prove my point.)


Twilight vs. Buffy, the Vampire Slayer

Father Figure:
Check. Bella's dad is dorky and protective, but generally cool to live with.

Buffy's got it too. Giles is a watcher, so he makes sure Buffy knows when someone's getting ready to take her to Hell.

School Move:
Bella selflessly decides to move to Forks so her momma can get her groove on. Or something like that.

Buffy gets kicked out of her school in L.A. because she burned down the vampire- infested high school gym. Less altruistic, but more kickass.

Vamps:
Generally nice to Bella except for the bitchy one from Thirteen and the ones who want to drink her blood.

Spend most of their time attempting to fulfill prophecies and making cheesy threats before getting their asses handed to them by Buffy.

Main Man:
Edward. Overprotective but hot (not literally, his skin is like ice!). If he was your boyfriend in real life, restraining orders would be involved.

Angel is a vampire that randomly shows up to warn Buffy about stuff. Creepy, weird name, super cryptic, but totally hot (I don't know what his actual temperature is like, but I wouldn't mind finding out).

Special FX:
BOTH SO AWFUL YOU COULD MAKE MORE REALISTIC VAMPIRES WITH HOT GLUE, TWO HANGERS, AND AN OLD SWEATER.

Name Drop:
A ton of people who have been in every movie and tv show made for teens in the past ten years. Most notable is Peter Facinelli who played Mike Dexter in Can't Hardly Wait. Unfortunately, he gets no advice from Jerry O'Connell in this movie. Sad.

Alyson Hannigan, playing an earlier, dorkier, computer-hacking version of her character on How I Met Your Mother. Not complaining here, REVELING. Also, Charisma Carpenter playing an earlier, equally slutty version of her character in Veronica Mars.

Weird Names:
Renesmee. Bella, you are not clever, you are 18.

Xander was too cool for "Alexander" before Topher Grace learned how to tie his shoes.

Heroine:
Bella is clumsy and a loner.

Buffy balances cheer tryouts and slaying.

Extra Awesomes:
Once you become a vampire, you have a TON of sex.
Impromptu trips to Italy...to convince your boyfriend not to commit suicide. Uh, nevermind.

Buffy and her pals let her secret slip a lot, but they cover it up with lame excuses (for example, they'll pretend they said something else that rhymes like, "No, Mrs. So-and-so, I said there was a 'ramp fire' after her!).
This is the pre-iphone era, so the "computer hacking" is essentially just them logging on to the internet.

Two Words:
Sparkly skin.

Musical Episode.


In summary, if this were Celebrity Deathmatch, Twilight would be bleeding and then using all of its self-restraint not to suck its own blood.

VENGEANCE IS MINE!

Ha! Two girls stopped in the middle of the sidewalk today to chat (not caring that no one could get by them) when a Campus Safety cart almost ran them over. Almost as good as The Count of Monte Cristo. Almost.

Common Courtesy

I talked to Emily Post.  She said, "Hey, what's up," and she wants you to stop doing the following:

1.  You see someone you know on the street- awesome!    And you want to stop to talk to them?  Good for you!  If you stand in the middle of the sidewalk...refuse to move even though class just got out and there are a ton of people walking by...specifically a girl who has to lug her huge art portfolio around you and your chatty little friend...please prepare to be pelted with a kneaded eraser, a white eraser, and a pink pearl eraser (because my teacher made me purchase THREE ERASERS for class).

2.  You and your friends just went out drinking, and you're feeling wild!  Superb!  I'm so proud for you and your liver.  However, the impersonations of the three hyenas from The Lion King that you're performing right outside my door?  Unnecessary.  I know, surprising, right?  

BONUS QUESTION:  Name the three hyenas and their voices.  All I got is Whoopi.

3.  Hey, remember that commercial where the guy tries to save money by calling his dad collect?  "Will you accept the charges for 'Haddababy Itsaboy'?"  (I'll have my personal copy-editor figure out where all those punctuation marks go later.)  That commercial was hilarious!  HOWEVER, in real life, if you have a baby, suck it up and call your dad.  In addition, if you have important personal news, a text is unacceptable.  A facebook message is unacceptable.  Pick up the phone.  I know it's rough now that 10-10-321 isn't available anymore, but seriously, "u hv the clp" is not okay.

P.S.  THREE ERASERS would be a great band name.  Dibs. 

spotted:

Dude getting off the train at the Loyola Red Line stop, rocking a hair wrap.  As in, one of those embroidery floss hair wraps that 9-year-olds (or really confident with their place in the world 17-year-olds) petition their parents for while vacationing in warm climates.

Bonnie and Clyde Remake: Part 2: Outrage

After doing some research on the new Bonnie and Clyde movie for that last post, here are two things I learned that infuriated yours truly.

1. It's not actually a remake of Bonnie and Clyde. It's about the characters, but about a different time in their lives. I was not led to believe this is a totally different movie about the real people Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow, but rather, what you didn't see in the first movie. Wait, you mean, before they met...or AFTER THEY DIED?!? Sorry if I just ruined the movie for you, but the "sequel" probably would've done that anyway.

2. We knew Hilary Duff was gonna be Bonnie. Clyde, however, will be played by Kevin Zegers. Now, if that name doesn't automatically ring a bell, don't feel bad- I had to imdb him. He's the kid from AirBud. That's AirBud, AirBud: Golden Receiver, AirBud: World Pup, AND AirBud: Seventh Inning Fetch. I don't necessarily have a problem with Zegers himself...I do have a problem with that many sports puns being that close together, but I don't have a problem with Zegers. It's just that Warren Beatty leaves some pretty big shoes to fill, and I don't want those shoes going straight to DVD. Please, Zegers, please, prove me wrong.

ALSO, if they leave out the impotent part, I'm gonna be pissed.

(Fine, Zegers, here's a hot picture of you cause now I feel bad.)

This is just like the time Kate and Miranda came to school wearing the same outfit!

So, apparently a Bonnie and Clyde remake is coming out, and Hilary Duff has been cast as Bonnie. Wait- it gets worse. Upon hearing this, Faye Dunaway says, "Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?" Hilary replies with, "I think that my fans that are going to see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know...I think it was a little unnecessary, but I might be mad if I looked like that now too."

[http://jezebel.com/5145564/dunaway-vs-duff,

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b82113_Hilary_Duff_Disses_Faye_Dunaway.html]

First of all, Faye, you don't get to say things like that just because you're 68, and Hilary, you don't get to say things like that because you're 21. Secondly, when did the Bonnie and Clyde remake become the new Aaron Carter? Sweet lord, I can only hope he's playing Clyde.

Well, I've spoken to the director, the producer, and the casting director of the film, and they've agreed to cast whomever I deem fit for the role. Lucky me. Let's look at the facts.

Dunaway: Her Bonnie and Clyde is currently ranked #42 on AFI's 100 Years, 100 Movies (10th Anniversary). +1

Duff: I listened to "I Can't Wait" on my itunes three times today. Inexplicably, I don't have "Yesterday." +1 for Hilary, -3 for me

Dunaway: She was in Dunston Checks In, The Rules of Attraction, and GIA. +3

Duff: She was in a stellar commercial about how you shouldn't use the word "gay" as a synonym for stupid. +3

Dunaway: She may have dated Burt Reynolds. You know how they say, "When you kiss someone, it's the same as kissing everyone they've kissed"? Actually, I think that's supposed to be with sex, but I grew up in a fairly sheltered environment. Well, you know, I'm just sayin'. +3

Duff: She released a song called "Reach Out" which "sampled" Depeche Mode's (and later, Marilyn Manson's) "Personal Jesus." +3

FINAL COUNT:

Dunaway: 7 points

Duff: 7 points

Me: negative 3. Yeah, I owe 3 points.

Blast, it's a tie! Who had any idea that would happen?! Well, I think we should resolve this by getting Hilary and Faye together, and we should all watch Mandy Moore as the incomparable Hilary Faye in Saved! Deal? Deal.

hot box (gilmore) girls

Words cannot express my excitement.  Lauren Graham, better known to anyone worth knowing as Lorelei Gilmore, is in previews right now as Adelaide in the newest Guys & Dolls revival on Broadway.  This is the greatest thing to happen to a Guys & Dolls revival since Peter Gallagher played Sky Masterson ... in the last revival.

      

Granted, my knowledge of Graham's singing talent is pretty much restricted to that one time she and Rory sang the theme song to the Pippi Longstocking movie.  But they rocked that.  Can she tap dance?  Who really cares.  Because I am totally digging her as a blonde.

        

Dear Mom and Dad, I know you want to buy me Guys & Dolls tickets for my graduation present ... yes?  Cough cough shameless hint cough?