Blogging My Way Through the Disney Princess Website

I have a lot of work to do...so obviously I just spent a half an hour on the interactive Disney Princess website and will now spend another chunk of my life telling you about it.

The home page shows all the major Disney princesses lined up in a row. Belle and Sleeping Beauty look weird. Loss of points for lack of illustrative continuity, Disney. Some of the princesses are creepily giggling and blinking a lot. I'm uncomfortable. A voice tells me, "Choose a princess and experience her magical world!" Now, I'm not going to actually make the comment here because these characters are meant for children, but I'll just cite this Dave Matthews Band lyric that popped into my head when I heard that voice. "Hike up your skirt a little more, and show your world to me."

1. Snow White: Each princess has the following activities: Storybook, Princess Paint, Reveal a Picture, Video, Desktop Downloads, Printables, and a special game (that only works for Ariel, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty). I click on Snow White's Princess Paint game, and it's essentially Microsoft Paint with the addition of Special Princess Jewel Brushes! Great! But wait! OH NO! The special brushes aren't working! I WANT THE SPECIAL BRUSHES! I think this website is already affecting me.

When you scroll over Printables, Ms. Magic Voice says, "Printing fun" and "Let's print!" I have never been more excited to print out pictures of tiaras. Ever.

2. Pocahontas: You can download princess email signatures. So, like when you e-mail someone, a princess face will show up. Please, just please don't.

Okay, HOLD UP. The Reveal a Picture game is essentially moving the mouse (wand) over a princessy wallpaper, wiping away the pattern to reveal a picture. Uh, I was intending on leaving my Disney-princesses-brainwash-children-to-be-1950s-housewives-and-only-care-about-shopping-
fashion-and-cooking at the door, but this is a game about how awesome it is to wash windows. I'm not kidding.

Pocahontas has the Jewel Brush, and IT IS SO MUCH FUN. She has little stickers that are even better. AND cool video clips that led me to imdb Pocahontas...and discover that Mel Gibson and Christian Bale are two of the voices. Why have I not seen a Christian Bale F-Bomb rant + Pocahontas mash-up yet? Get on it, internet nerds!

3. ARIEL IS ON LAND AND IS OBSESSED WITH TEA PARTIES. Seriously, did the legs come with a chemical imbalance? Stop talking about the kingdom-wide tea party! Ariel is one of the few princesses who have their own special game. After talking about the tea party for like twenty minutes, she reveals that, for her game, we have to pick out what she's going to wear. Sweet. Ariel has THE creepiest mannequin ever (complete with hair), a buttload of clothes, and two wedding veils. Who is she intending to marry next? I successfully completed this task and received a picture of a bracelet to print. Apparently, Disney really wants little girls to print stuff.

4. Cinderella: Cindy, you too are creepy. Your black choker reminds me of the story of the girl with the ribbon around her neck her whole life, and when she takes it off, her head falls off. Hope that's not part of the "happily ever after." All the stickers are of you except for one of the dog. I don't know what this means.

5. Ms. Magic Voice declares, "Let's visit Aurora!" I've been to Aurora. No one plays "Once Upon A Dream" there. Aurora, more commonly known as Sleeping Beauty, says, "It's important that as their princess, I look my very best." Ariel also mentioned something about setting an example by looking good. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE. My momma always told me to set a good example for my little brother. I dressed like Blake Lively when I was 9, and consequently, my little brother is a decent, wonderful, tax-paying citizen.

6. Jasmine: There's a video of Jasmine in either a princess movie or Aladdin 4+ (I own Aladdin 1-3, and I can tell ya, this ain't it). First, she starts complaining about this dress her dad wants her to wear that makes her look like a peacock. BUT THEN, she goes on to sing a song about how she wants to be, "more than a peacock princess." She wants to "find a cure, help the poor...be a diplomat." And then she dances with some peacocks. Jasmine, you're my new fav, even though I don't approve of your complacency with touching wild fowl.

Belle and Mulan are both boring. As is the "Parenting a Princess" section.

I was impressed to find a princess baseball set in the products section, even though it was listed between the more expected tea cart, shopping cart, talking vanity, and styling head. (P.S. I'm now taking bets on whether or not my roommate will shell out (no pun intended, but appreciated) over $40 for the Little Mermaid broadway musical collectible doll. It's Ariel with legs AND a fin to really confuse your daughters about female anatomy.)

In conclusion, if I were 10, this website would not hold my attention. It barely does now, as illustrated by my descriptions of the Belle and Mulan pages. It is only worth your time if you have a really good printer, a jewelry fetish, or a desire to catch the Avian bird flu.

NOTE: I sincerely hope that you don't think I like Dave because of the Crash lyric. I don't; I was simply trying to punch a hole in your innocent image of the Disney princesses.