Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Buffy Vs. Bella: The Ultimate Showdown

*May contain some spoilers for Twilight.

Here are my feelings on the Twilight series, summarized for your convenience:
Highly entertaining. Not a great piece of literature. Bad for its target audience, tween gals, because (1) it portrays relationships and break-ups in unrealistic ways, leading to unhealthy expectations, (2) I believe Edward's thirst for Bella's blood is a thinly veiled metaphor for sex in which Edward must show incredible amounts of self-control not to hurt Bella, and (3) as one blogger writes, Bella's "dominant personality trait is low self-esteem." (http://jezebel.com/5034213/breaking-dawn-
what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting-a-
vampire) This said, I have read all four books twice, seen the movie twice, and Edward Cullen's the background on my phone. Just cause cheeseburgers aren't good for you, it doesn't mean they're not delicious.

Now, if you've read, well, anything on this blog, you'll know that I love pretty much everything that happened in the 90's (apart from the whole stain-on-the-dress thing) and anything that was ever shown on the WB. HOWEVER, somehow I missed out on Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. I watched a few episodes here and there, and after the loaning of several Teen Bop magazines and the prompting of my 4th grade best friend, I wrote to the Buffy cast and received an autographed photo.

So, I've been making up for lost time (a.k.a. avoiding real life) by watching episodes of Buffy online. I'm not too far in, but I've already decided that all these Twilight addicts need to watch some Buffy, pronto. There are a lot of similarities between Twilight and Buffy, but I swear that these crazed fans would actually grow up to be decent people if they chose the latter as their fav entertainment. Let's compare and contrast, shall we? (Or just contrast to prove my point.)


Twilight vs. Buffy, the Vampire Slayer

Father Figure:
Check. Bella's dad is dorky and protective, but generally cool to live with.

Buffy's got it too. Giles is a watcher, so he makes sure Buffy knows when someone's getting ready to take her to Hell.

School Move:
Bella selflessly decides to move to Forks so her momma can get her groove on. Or something like that.

Buffy gets kicked out of her school in L.A. because she burned down the vampire- infested high school gym. Less altruistic, but more kickass.

Vamps:
Generally nice to Bella except for the bitchy one from Thirteen and the ones who want to drink her blood.

Spend most of their time attempting to fulfill prophecies and making cheesy threats before getting their asses handed to them by Buffy.

Main Man:
Edward. Overprotective but hot (not literally, his skin is like ice!). If he was your boyfriend in real life, restraining orders would be involved.

Angel is a vampire that randomly shows up to warn Buffy about stuff. Creepy, weird name, super cryptic, but totally hot (I don't know what his actual temperature is like, but I wouldn't mind finding out).

Special FX:
BOTH SO AWFUL YOU COULD MAKE MORE REALISTIC VAMPIRES WITH HOT GLUE, TWO HANGERS, AND AN OLD SWEATER.

Name Drop:
A ton of people who have been in every movie and tv show made for teens in the past ten years. Most notable is Peter Facinelli who played Mike Dexter in Can't Hardly Wait. Unfortunately, he gets no advice from Jerry O'Connell in this movie. Sad.

Alyson Hannigan, playing an earlier, dorkier, computer-hacking version of her character on How I Met Your Mother. Not complaining here, REVELING. Also, Charisma Carpenter playing an earlier, equally slutty version of her character in Veronica Mars.

Weird Names:
Renesmee. Bella, you are not clever, you are 18.

Xander was too cool for "Alexander" before Topher Grace learned how to tie his shoes.

Heroine:
Bella is clumsy and a loner.

Buffy balances cheer tryouts and slaying.

Extra Awesomes:
Once you become a vampire, you have a TON of sex.
Impromptu trips to Italy...to convince your boyfriend not to commit suicide. Uh, nevermind.

Buffy and her pals let her secret slip a lot, but they cover it up with lame excuses (for example, they'll pretend they said something else that rhymes like, "No, Mrs. So-and-so, I said there was a 'ramp fire' after her!).
This is the pre-iphone era, so the "computer hacking" is essentially just them logging on to the internet.

Two Words:
Sparkly skin.

Musical Episode.


In summary, if this were Celebrity Deathmatch, Twilight would be bleeding and then using all of its self-restraint not to suck its own blood.

13 comments:

  1. Buffy so rox more than Twilight. Twilight is a dumdass version of a vampire who likes a human. BOR-ING!! Buffy had alot more suspense. When ur watching Buffy u never want to stop the episode and when the seventh season ended i felt like, "I want more Buffy!". But when the twilight movie ended, i said "Hmm, that was weird.". I personally think that the twilight books were alot better than the twilight movie and the books still werent all that great! I felt like Bella complained all the time. Shes a selfish bitch, pardon my french, because all she does is complain to Edward and the Cullens and gets whatever she wants by whinin and complaining. Buffy kicks Twilights ass!!! GO BUFFY AND WILLOW AND XANDER AND GILES AND THE WHOLE BUFFY CREW!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE U GUYS!

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  2. I so liked Buffy more then twilight the movie was so cheasy.It was like oh and edward saved me from getting the blood suked out of me the end. The book ended with and we all lived happily ever after the end. In Buffy wthe first season there was so much conflict I loved all the episodes. If vampires and demons were real they woudn't fall in love with a human unless they had a soul and angel and spike did. In twilght fuckin edward killed people and he didn't go to a place or get a gypsi/witch curse or get a chip that made him not be able to hurt a human did he? No he just saw the error of his ways. I personally didn't want buffy to end. I felt in twilight that Bella complained all the way throough the book. Oh and now everyone who liked the twilight books wants edward emmet or jasper to be there mate becuase they wre soooo good looking well in real life everyone has falts no one is perfect.When the movie ended i felt like screaming for joy that movie was horrible!When buffy eneded i said wow that was a wonderful ending but i wish there was more another thing in twilight none of the good guys got hurt unless you consider bella becoming her dream wonderful but in buffy xander got his eye smusehd and anya died as did Tara Willow became evil Buffy died twice and angel left for good what tradegys were there in twilight no one died un;ess they were bad or bella no one turned evil besised laurent so in concluison:BUFFY ROCKS TWILIGHT SUCKS!

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  3. Bella is a bitch

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  4. GO BUFFY, GILES XANDER,WILOW.TARA,ANGEL,SPIKE,ANYA AND THE REST OF THE GAME U ROCK.
    BOO TWILIGHT AND THAT GANG

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  5. i think that buffy tottaly ricks more than twilight cause edward is a bastard!!!!!!

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  6. love the dollhouse refernce, btw

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  7. That was a horrible evaluation of Buffy..
    The real wit comes in late season 4, when Riley leaves. Spike makes the show from there on out (hotter, smarter, more badass than Edward).
    Buffy is one of the most likeable main characters I've ever seen, I mean she cries when most people would be comatose!
    Bella shuts down for a month+ if someone glances at her the wrong way.
    You were dead on with the Twilight business though.

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  8. Just want to say Riley leaves mid season 5 not 4. He leaves because of Buffy grew distant from him, she did not need him in a sense and he could tell this, that is why he would pay vampires to drink his blood. Of course Spike shows this to Buffy.
    I am not putting you down but please get the Buffy seasons right. I have been watching the show since it aired in 1997 (I was 12 years old.) I know everything about Buffy from the first episode to the last and I am not ashamed to say I am a dork. On the whole Twilight thing, Buffy the Vampire slayer is a lot better than the Twilight movies. For starters Bella is such a bad example of how a girl should act. Buffy is a strong charter and I don’t mean the obvious strengths. Buffy has more depth to her then Bella.

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  9. Buffy is so much better than twilight and I cant stand people who say twilight is the best film when they havent even seen Buffy!! x

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  10. Buffy rocks

    Bella is a useless character.
    Stephanie Meyer is basicly telling young females that you are not strong, Love is forever.

    Buffy is a role model to all.
    It shows you to be tough and not some whinny b%$#@ like Bella is.



    XD

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  11. of coarse itz soo easy to say thaat buffy wins... duuuuh!! bella is a little helpless character that would've been dead in thaa 1st episode of thaa twighlight saga if edward ddnt save her a** from thaa car... buffy on thaa other hand can take care of herself

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  12. From what I've read, it is the general consensus in this world, that Buffy is much more kick ass than Bella. I have to say I read the maybe a third of the first Twilight book and decided it wasn't for me. Never seen any of the movies either. But from what I know, Bella spends her time pining away for Edward and that's basically what her life revolves around. Buffy does do some pining, but she also kills the love of her life to save the world. Eh, I think if you put Bella in this situation, well she probably would have lost the fight to the evil Edward and the world would end anyway. But let's say she gets to the part where she kicks Edward's ass and is about to kill him when she realizes he's good again. FOR SURE, she would not have been able to put that sword through Edward. Needless to say, I started watching Buffy from Season 1, episode 1. So when it comes to vampire heroines, or just heroines in general..I'd say I'd go with Buffy over Katniss too.

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