Buffy Vs. Bella: The Ultimate Showdown

*May contain some spoilers for Twilight.

Here are my feelings on the Twilight series, summarized for your convenience:
Highly entertaining. Not a great piece of literature. Bad for its target audience, tween gals, because (1) it portrays relationships and break-ups in unrealistic ways, leading to unhealthy expectations, (2) I believe Edward's thirst for Bella's blood is a thinly veiled metaphor for sex in which Edward must show incredible amounts of self-control not to hurt Bella, and (3) as one blogger writes, Bella's "dominant personality trait is low self-esteem." (http://jezebel.com/5034213/breaking-dawn-
what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting-a-
vampire) This said, I have read all four books twice, seen the movie twice, and Edward Cullen's the background on my phone. Just cause cheeseburgers aren't good for you, it doesn't mean they're not delicious.

Now, if you've read, well, anything on this blog, you'll know that I love pretty much everything that happened in the 90's (apart from the whole stain-on-the-dress thing) and anything that was ever shown on the WB. HOWEVER, somehow I missed out on Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. I watched a few episodes here and there, and after the loaning of several Teen Bop magazines and the prompting of my 4th grade best friend, I wrote to the Buffy cast and received an autographed photo.

So, I've been making up for lost time (a.k.a. avoiding real life) by watching episodes of Buffy online. I'm not too far in, but I've already decided that all these Twilight addicts need to watch some Buffy, pronto. There are a lot of similarities between Twilight and Buffy, but I swear that these crazed fans would actually grow up to be decent people if they chose the latter as their fav entertainment. Let's compare and contrast, shall we? (Or just contrast to prove my point.)


Twilight vs. Buffy, the Vampire Slayer

Father Figure:
Check. Bella's dad is dorky and protective, but generally cool to live with.

Buffy's got it too. Giles is a watcher, so he makes sure Buffy knows when someone's getting ready to take her to Hell.

School Move:
Bella selflessly decides to move to Forks so her momma can get her groove on. Or something like that.

Buffy gets kicked out of her school in L.A. because she burned down the vampire- infested high school gym. Less altruistic, but more kickass.

Vamps:
Generally nice to Bella except for the bitchy one from Thirteen and the ones who want to drink her blood.

Spend most of their time attempting to fulfill prophecies and making cheesy threats before getting their asses handed to them by Buffy.

Main Man:
Edward. Overprotective but hot (not literally, his skin is like ice!). If he was your boyfriend in real life, restraining orders would be involved.

Angel is a vampire that randomly shows up to warn Buffy about stuff. Creepy, weird name, super cryptic, but totally hot (I don't know what his actual temperature is like, but I wouldn't mind finding out).

Special FX:
BOTH SO AWFUL YOU COULD MAKE MORE REALISTIC VAMPIRES WITH HOT GLUE, TWO HANGERS, AND AN OLD SWEATER.

Name Drop:
A ton of people who have been in every movie and tv show made for teens in the past ten years. Most notable is Peter Facinelli who played Mike Dexter in Can't Hardly Wait. Unfortunately, he gets no advice from Jerry O'Connell in this movie. Sad.

Alyson Hannigan, playing an earlier, dorkier, computer-hacking version of her character on How I Met Your Mother. Not complaining here, REVELING. Also, Charisma Carpenter playing an earlier, equally slutty version of her character in Veronica Mars.

Weird Names:
Renesmee. Bella, you are not clever, you are 18.

Xander was too cool for "Alexander" before Topher Grace learned how to tie his shoes.

Heroine:
Bella is clumsy and a loner.

Buffy balances cheer tryouts and slaying.

Extra Awesomes:
Once you become a vampire, you have a TON of sex.
Impromptu trips to Italy...to convince your boyfriend not to commit suicide. Uh, nevermind.

Buffy and her pals let her secret slip a lot, but they cover it up with lame excuses (for example, they'll pretend they said something else that rhymes like, "No, Mrs. So-and-so, I said there was a 'ramp fire' after her!).
This is the pre-iphone era, so the "computer hacking" is essentially just them logging on to the internet.

Two Words:
Sparkly skin.

Musical Episode.


In summary, if this were Celebrity Deathmatch, Twilight would be bleeding and then using all of its self-restraint not to suck its own blood.